Feeling hopeless

Everyone has the capacity for change, however bad their gambling, but that has to come from the gambler.

If the gambler is a compulsive or problem gambler, the belief, and one I share, is that the addiction is for life. That doesn’t mean that the addiction cannot be lived with. 
With the right course of action and mindset, an addict can live their lives without any problems at all.

If I went back 30 years, 20 years or 10 years, I tried and tried but always relapsed. Those people around me didn’t want to wait around as I dragged their lives into the gutter. Over the years though I learned different things about how to help myself and now I’m over 4 1/2 years clean. Through Gamblers Anonymous I worked a 12 step recovery program alongside regular attendance at GA meetings and I learned how to deal with my emotions. I learnt about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths, and why I escaped into gambling when the real world became something I didn’t want to deal with. It took time and effort though, but I’m proof today that it can work.

I never say I’m fixed though, I’m always one bet away from disaster, but the journey I have to take to place that first bet is a lot further away than it used to be. I’ve learnt a lot about coping so I don’t place that bet.

My GA group also has people that haven’t had a bet for 18 years, 16 years, 12 years, 5 years, 3 years, 2 years, and so on. When those people walked through the doors the first time they didn’t know they could do it, but they are proof. The same as every other GA group in the country.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be with the person or not? My wife stuck by me for 10 years of relapsing on and off until she had enough. I don’t blame her, it’s her life too. Why be dragged through my mess? She tried though and life was good when I wasn’t gambling, unfortunately not so much when I gambled!

I’m a big advocate of living your own life. If you feel the gambler is trying and wants to stop, your support is important. If they aren’t interested in getting help you need to consider your own life. It’s too short. Only you know your limit with someone.

Chris.

I think @chris-uk has nailed it. A problem gambler will never be cured or fixed. It is something that we have to live with for the rest of our lives. But, if we really want to beat it, we can. 

Having a healthy relationship with gambling just isn't an option. It's all or nothing. It's about putting preventions in place and understanding triggers, which makes that impulsive first gamble much less likely. As a problem gambler, I don't worry about having an urge to gamble (although I haven't for a very long time), as long as I understand that I have to think it through first. That thought process allows to remind myself of why it's a terrible idea and what I could lose and come to the realisation that gambling just isn't for me. Everyone has urges, and problem gamblers usually act on that urge without thinking. Time, help and support can help rewire the brain a little. Not to prevent the urges, but to handle them rationally.

I am 686 days without gambling. Not a single relapse since I broke down and asked my friends and family for help. I have the rest of my life to go and I cannot guarantee that I won't relapse, but I really hope I don't. It can be done.

PS: Well done @chris-uk for staying gamble-free for so long. Keep it going!

You can support the problem gambler. It may be hard for the gambler to change bad habits, but there are ways around that. It is called putting financial blocks/ controls in place. 

Best wishes.

@gerard-g thank you

@chris-uk I appreciate the response and im sorry you lost everyone around you. I just hope time is a healer, got to take everyday as it comes. I am scared though because he’s made me stronger than ever, if he does this again I know I can’t put up with it and I’ll walk away. I can’t spend my life trying to fix someone but I’m willing to give it a big try!

@mrlyndhurst that makes a lot of sense well done on being gamble free that long! Being open and honest will make things easier for me but it’s whether he’s got the ability to do that 

Hi HB

Yes it can be done but it requires tremendous commitment and hard work. Compulsive gamblers will never be cured (as others already pointed out) though so the hard work should continue for life (attending GA, doing gratitude lists, living the 12 steps programme, gamstop etc). The addiction should be respected because any second you underestimate it or become complacent, tragedy is imminent. My husband is now 2.5 yrs gamble free, no relapse. He himself told me how scared he feels sometimes that he hasn’t relapsed as most people do including his sponsor, the mere thought of it makes him sick. So of course we always go back to the famous line, ‘take it one day at a time’. I remind him of the inspiring fellows he met in Ga, there’s one guy who is gamble free for 30+ years now. If he can do it, so can my husband. It can be done but it requires a lot of work. My husband and i feel the happiest and most connected to each other now more than ever. We’re about to buy our dream home, he’s going for a promotion at work and we’re trying for our first baby. Life is good. But we never forget about the addiction, it will always be there and he needs to stay committed. And i’ll stick around him and support him as long as i continue to see him putting in the hard work.  

Hi

Thank you for your questions.

Not many gamblers abstain from gambling from day one.

I know that is not what you wanted to hear but it is the truth.

A compulsive gambler needs to be at meetings for them self for it to work.

It helps if a gambler hands over all finances.

He can not trust him self with money.

Often when married couples goes to meetings the supportive partners thinks that they are healthy, it is only the gambler that needs help.

The supportive often finds they have not healed their pains, before they met their gambling partner.

The compusive gambler will often unsettle their partners, making them feel even more insecure in them self.

I the compusive gambler could not heal my pains.

I the compusive gambler did not understand my emotional triggers or when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

I like many people was not able to abstain from gambling or other unhealthy habits from day one.

In time I learned to love myself.

In time I learned to respect myself.

In time I learned to be patient and tolerant with myself.

In time I learned to heal my pains of the hurt inner child in me.

Love healing and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK