Feeling Lost

Hi pickle have you had any counselling from gamcare? I would call them, talk. It takes a long time for a gambler to really see what happened and how you are damaged. They concentrate on stopping first. You could go to gamanon which helps. You don't say if you've had any help for you. That's what you need to do now, concentrate on you. Don't let it take over you. It's ok to feel how you do, I went through do I stay? Do I go? Realistically what do you want? You can't rely on him to make you feel better. You have to do that. After time things improve but you do have to learn how to move forward. we can only change ourselves, not them. I always pick quiet times to tell him how I feel, if he doesn't like it tough, I don't need a response. I just tell him, leave, carry on my day. He heard me. Keep talking, get some help.

I think you need to be able to communicate all these emotions to him, perhaps it's about how do you do that, and he needs to be able to cope with hearing it - people may disagree but i see this is as much a part of the recovery as are financial controls etc. As cg's partners we have a responsibility towards our kids and ourselves first. Perhaps separate counselling and then couple's work to follow it up? I guess i have been very open to cg about how i feel - angry, upset, frustrated, disapointed, disgusted.

Your husband needs to realise the impact gambling has on you. You have every right to feel what you feel it's about finding a way to express it to him. What would you like him to do differently?

Thanks for your replies. I have shared how I'm feeling Numerous times but it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. It's like in his head if I'm not losing it then all is well but it's really not (I've told him this too) I get he has to get himself well but selfishly he'd have to do this if I wasn't in his life so I feel like he's needs to be as committed to repairing the emotional damage he's caused. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon, am I? I did look at counselling but it's too far to travel when juggling as full time job and kids. I may just have to go private as I want to feel happy again.

As for what I'd like, to follow through in his commitments (i.e. Be home when he says he will, not spend time with people we've agreed he won't, think about the impact emotionally on me of the choices he make, take time to engage and talk to me about how I'm doing, when he sees I'm struggling Want to help/support me

Hi pickle I don't have that problem. My cg is a very solitary man, family is his priority. If you have agreed stuff and he goes against you that is different to a problem with gambling. Would he be doing that if he wasn't a cg? You are worried about their influence I'm guessing? If he's just continuing as if nothing has happened and still doing same stuff you are thinking he's not changing his ways. I agree with you he's not changing behaviour and he's not respecting the discussions you've had. I find sometimes they want a reaction, they will deliberately annoy you. The thing to do is not react. Do stuff and don't invite him. Unfortunately you can't control him. Just keep talking and be calm. Don't give him the excuse to stay out. You do have to tell him how you feel, but if you think he doesn't take you seriously, you need to find another way.

Merry-go-round you are tight this is more about trust and respect and about his ability to make good/bad choices. You are right I can't and don't want to control him I want him to take ownership. I don't set the times he's due home he does, he agrees that giving certain people s wide berth is right for him/us but is his inability to follow through just another side of his addiction or is there a bigger issue? For me self control would enable him to say it's 1am I promised I'd be home I'm leaving, even if others were staying. He's not out all the time he too is a family man but when he is it's like his responsibilities go out the window. I'm the past this wouldn't have upset me much, after all it was so infrequent but now when he's broken my faith, trust and respect this s**t matters. Probably sounds trivial but it makes me question if he's sees the link between his actions, the damage and moving forward.

Hi pickle sounds like my cg before he gave up drinking. Yes addictive personality but also hiding from what they've done. It's another escape. Has he had counselling?

Just GA but I'm trying to convince him there are things in the past he needs help with that probably sit behind his CG. He thinks he doesn't need help just to confront the issue but I fear that without support that could be a disaster as he has no way of knowing how it will play out. I'm just drained as it feels like he's happy to take but not to give. Maybe he can't right now, maybe he never will. It's the not knowing and trying to think what's best for me and the kids

Hi try not to worry about him, ga is great, control of finance is good. As long as he sticks to it, you make sure he can't get any more money, things should resolve. It doesn't get better over night.

As merry go round says, focus on yourself and kids. He wants to go out? Fine but he stays in one evening with kids do you can go to counselling ( look at online/phone options too gamcare does both not ideal but better than nothing). Try nhs 24 for some cbt. Make a plan that works for you. I'd go as far as keeping set of rules as you'd do for a child - eg back by certain time he sets himself - he breaks the rules there is a consequence eg no pocket money next week. It is harsh, but you don't have to go along with his maddness. Tell others, don't keep it a secret even if he does.

So I have 2 good friends and my brother supporting me, my OH has not told anybody (obviously my friends husbands know and check in with him but you know men!) it's his story to tell not mine but equally I won't lie. The hard part is I'm close to my parents and I know I'm not speaking to them so often as I hate being untruthful but I can't cope with their feelings on top of everything else.

I'm just tired of being strong,

Hi pickle it will help both of you to tell. Parents can tell something is not quite right. It will be some support for you too. It's part of accepting the situation. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I still think couple's work may help even if it means getting a babysitter, parents in, having one more busy evening a week etc as this means one more person knows about his addiction and you both can talk about it openly and face denial. Work may be able to offer you some time off for counselling too, i have kids and work too but made this my priority that i get treatment - for myself and them. If you feel you are pretending in relationship - stop. You don't have too.