feels hopeless

Been there. You're not alone, you're going to have to be a bit selfish for a while, start prioritising yourself and the children and let him get through this, he has to get himself through it, you can't do it for him. It is devastating to lose someone this way, I can't tell you if he will come back or not, some don't, mine did and he's actually nicer, more human, for facing up to his problems and learning how to cope with his mind. But where you are now is intolerable, you don't have to put up with it, whether you chose to wait for him is up to you, it takes a lot of thinking and talking to get to the right decisions for your family, but there's only one sane person in your relationship at the moment, so you are wearing the trousers, trust your own judgement, and as I always say, keep talking

Hi, Notme

I've been there too, I believed him in the face of some worrying behaviour and I now realise that what I thought were the ups and downs of married life was actually addiction to gambling. It half came to light three years ago and I let it carry on because it was easier to believe him. More fool me but you want to be able to trust them? Except that for a CG you simply can't.

This time round, I've seen the bank statements showing the extent of the deposits to the online sites and I know what I'm dealing with. I have put every measure in place that I can think of to block his access to online gambling and to credit. He handed over the finances totally to me and he cooperates, less than happily at times - he doesn't like some of the precautions that I have taken - but he does enough. Also he goes to GA. However, I'm don't trust him with money, I expect that he could get round the barriers if he really wanted to but if he does he's out. And on this fragile basis we're still together, he knows the consequences and as far as I can tell, he is in recovery.

My point is that there is a difference between a commitment to stopping that he acts upon and keeps demonstrating as opposed to the lip service that I saw last time.

Only you can choose what you will put up with but remember to put yourself and your kids first.

Take care,

CW

Thank you both. I have control of the bank account now and i have his bank card. It's so tight with money at the moment, it feels like all i can think about. If it wasn't for the kids i would have left already.........actually that's not true. I just keep clinging to how he used to be, but he said he was gambling all the time, so was it all a lie? I can cope with the debt but his mental state is draining. He gets angry when i tell him to go the dr's. Can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. T_T

Hi, Notme,

You could call his GP and say you've got reason to think that he's considering self harm but it's v difficult to force mental health services on someone who won't cooperate.

He is asking you to tolerate the intolerable but why should you? What are you getting out of the relationship? Possibly you should give serious thought to tough love? Ultimately, as Pangolin says, you can't do it for him. This is the problem with trying to live with a CG. You can't control what he does, your only choices are what you're willing to tolerate in your relationship. You should put your own needs first and be less sidetracked by trying to save him from himself, you won't be able to.

I have stayed with my husband on the basis that I hope he will turn back to what he was but the gambling corrupted him and although he's stopped he's not the man I married. Far from it.

Keep posting.

CW

How are you?

CW