Hi everyone
Ive posted here enough times for you all to know my story so i wont go back to it all, but I wonder do we ever come to terms with what is happening to our loved one and find some kind of peace because Im struggling. Ive been trying really hard to get on with my own life and not worry too much about my son, some days are better than others and some I just cant face getting out of bed for. I am getting on with my own life and I know thats what I need to do but most of the time I feel like Im just going through the motions. This has gone on for a long time and it has literally felt like a roller coaster ride, one day Im feeling hopeful and the next day I come crashing back down by something hes done or said, I feel beaten down by it. I had felt a little better the last few days, trying not to think about him too much and just go about my day to day routine, I cant say I felt particularly optomisitc but definetly more relaxed. Apart from one day last week when he said something awful we havent seen or heard from him in quite a while until yesterday when stupid me got my hopes up again. I know all too well about manipulation and the lies, Ive heard it all a thousand times and I dont think he knows how to tell the truth any more so why when he called me to "talk -" his words - did I think for one nano second that he could be genuine. For a moment I thought this is what we've been waiting for, hes turned a corner and is ready to get help that is until he asked for money, I said no - in the back of my mind I knew it was coming but just for those few seconds I got my hopes up. I know the routine so well, manipulation first, sweet and nice, then we say no and then the insults come. Hes done this so many times by now you would think Id got used to it but I obviously havent and it hurts just as much each time he does it in fact I think its probably worse the longer its gone on. I know hes desperate for money so he will be back asking for it, and when we refuse it will start all over again. I feel like the worlds worst mum for admittimg this but sometimes I wish I didnt love him so much, I wonder if he knows just how much heartache hes causing .
Hi as67
You know that you are doing the right thing by denying him money. You know that if you give him money, he will only gamble it away anyway, and then the cycle will repeat. This is the only way that he will be forced to face his problem.
I sympathise with you in your situation. Nobody expects to have to deal with an addiction in the family. Second guessing the what-ifs nad what did I do wrong won't help you or your son. You did nothing wrong. i can't tell you what the end result will be. I hope that he does realise in the near future that there is a way out of the mess he is in. That he does seek the help that he needs.
Take care
Hi as67
There are no two ways about it... this is just plain hard!! Like you have said some days are better than others. Just because we are getting better at doing the things we know we must do does not mean that it doesn't completely crush us ! My son had a major relapse a few weeks ago and all the lies and nasty behaviour that comes with it. We get stronger each time to handle it better but it still hurts like hell!!
Hang in there you are doing the most loving thing you can for your son. Hopefully the addict in him will have had enough if it can't get what it wants and your son will be ready to seek some help!
You really are doing great and having to do this will always hurt... just keep reminding yourself you are doing it out of love!
Take Care
Cathy
Hi
Amom big hug 🙂 that must of felt like you where knocked side ways, how are you all doing ?
This is hard one of the biggest tests Ive ever had, and like you said a while ago its crazy making and its definelty that and more. I do tend to do the what if's, I never used to I think that way, its comes from just when I think he cant get any worse he always does, so I expect it now. I do know he will be back, he has bills that are over due and hes been told to leave his flat because hes over due on the rent, and cant pay it. He doesnt have anywhere else to go so he wants to come home and normally I would of been pleased to have him home just so I knew he was safe but we just cant live with him anymore. We did use to say we know he gambles and he is going to be moody but if hes with us hes safe and we can support him but he was so far out of control it just became unbearable. He was a bully and was vile and abusive most of the time, the better days he simply ignored us, it was intolerable. Ive had 2 messages this morning asking me for money, of course I said no and now he says hes homeless and its my fault, I know its not but this is a very big test for me. We have said for some time that tough love is what he needs and will carry that out, but the thought he has nowhere to go is awful and I cant help but get upset. I hope that this is his rock bottom, I have said that several times already though. Thanks for your advice and support
You are doing what you can to get him to his "bottom" which hopefully will result in a need to change. I started blocking my son's # on my cell phone as I really could not handle the texts. At least when you block you don't see anything and don't get goaded in to ridiculous arguements. I know it's cruel but his back needs to be put against a wall where he has no where left to turn... except to himself. 🙁
I know you can't get out much but perhaps you could get in touch with a local GamAnon and they would have a member that may be able to talk with you on the phone. You really need to be able to talk about this as67!!
Be good to yourself!!
Cathy
Thanks Amom
Im on a waiting list for counselling, theres been a bit of a delay but shouldnt be much longer to wait now and I'll be very pleased when its here.
Ive decided that the best thing to do for me is to take myself out of the equation altogether and Im blocking his number, and I feel relieved that Ive done it, not guilty like I thought I would of. Maybe this will be a push in the right direction, maybe it wont, either way I wont know, and for now its what I need.
Thank you
(((((((as67)))))))
I put this on my laptop screensaver:
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
Sending love and support to you!!
Cathy
Hi Amom
Ive never heard that saying and its perfect for this situation, I'll use it as my screen saver too.
Thank you for your love and support it really helps :), Im sending the same back to you 🙂 , I hope things are okay at your end.
Ann
t
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
