Finding out which way to turn

Hi everyone - first time post here ...so sorry it's a looooong one...

me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years this year .. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. We used to be very close, like best friends really .. we used to have a place together but due to unexpected circumstances I moved back home to be with my family when they needed me. I've been at home for around 3 years now . He is a massive part of our family and is loved and respected by everyone. He comes and stays 4-5 night a week, has his own key, this home is practically his home. Although he does have his own place but it's shared accommodation and we all prefer him to be at my house. Anyway...

So last feb things started to change .. I never noticed anything in all honesty, but one day I was at work and I got a call from him saying he had 'borrowed' £200 from my drawer and his wallet had been robbed whilst he was at the gym. I didn't believe him , I was furious he had taken my money without asking which was for my car service- and my gut instantly told me what I had suspected. Gambling. After making calls and gathering evidence, we talked and I backed him into a corner. I said I thought he was gambling etc and he needed to be honest. After much talking he said that he was in some debt from the flat that we had- unpaid water bills and council tax. He showed me letters as proof - and after discussing with my dad we helped him clear his debts (not bailing him out) by setting up payment plans etc. He paid £200 a month to clear his debts until they were gone. And that was the end of that... or so we thought.

In June we were due to go on holiday. Around 3 weeks before my suspicions were aroused again after one of his family members said they had lent him money as he said he needed to pay a bill.. again I backed him into a corner so he had nowhere to go and and he confesses that he had blown all of his holiday spending money- he said he had a gambling problem and he couldn't control it - that he had been lying to me since before Christmas and had been using his travel and food money to gamble in the bookies, .. that the debts he had in February were because of gambling and he had various pay day loans that he had not paid. He was very upset crying and saying how sorry he was. I was so hurt and angry, but thought well it's an illness and everyone deserves a second chance so We decided as a family that the holiday might be good for him and give him some time away with us to gather his thoughts and relieve any stress and when we got back he was to face his demons and we would help him. After the holiday I managed his money, I made him show me his wage slip every months and his outgoing bills. I had control of his travel money and food money.. he did not have access to any money. At this point his salary still went into his own bank and he showed me transactions and receipts for everything bought. He began counsellings and was going weekly and said it was helping him. I took away his tablet and Xbox as he used them for internet access which could easily lead to online gambling.He also said that he banned himself from the bookies in and around where we live and where he works so that he couldn't go in. This carried on for a few months until he had regained some of my trust.

After a few months, he stopped showing me wage slips I had to ask - well force him really. I had to nag him to show me his out goings and asked why he wasn't putting the money in my bank for his travel and food .. he denied gambling and we had so many arguments week after week about the same things - money, gambling, me not trusting him, I just had a gut feeling that something weren't right. At new year we were arguing a lot about all the issues I said I'm fed up of having to nag him for things he should automatically be doing if he ever wants me to trust him again. We were due to go on holiday again in a few months and although he had pisnit off he had not started saving any spending money.

So.. last week , a day before we were due to fly, I called him as I hadn't heard from him which was unusual, and when he answered he said I need to come home immediately. I knew. Straight away I knew. And I thought- it's ok, everyone has a relapse at least he's being honest and talking to me that's what counts- it's fine we will get through it together. When I got home, the bombshell was dropped. He had been gambling since November and had taken out 5 loans which amounted to over £5000, he had been to town that morning with his holiday spending money and blown it all in the bookies, thinking he could make more money and win it back. He sat there and cried - I said don't cry because you haven't felt guilty for the last 3 months whilst lying to me even when asked about it. I was so angry.. but strangely calm. I went on holiday the next day without him - I was devastated. I couldn't get my head around it all. He's lied again. Last time he got off lightly and still managed the holiday. This time I left him and went on my own. He needed to see the consequences to his actions.I was scared and upset, angry, confused. Why did he lie to me again? Am I so unapproachable?? I spent a week away but didn't really think about it much I just tried to enjoy myself with my family they got me through that week. Now I'm at home and it's been almost 2 weeks since he told me ... I've said to him we can't be in a relationship because I cannot trust him, I don't know who he is anymore. This year we were planning to get a hose and save for a wedding as we were engaged ... all those plans have just gone out of the window. I feel foolish for believe him in the first place. But I'm in limbo. I love him so much, he is such a good person , I know he never meant to hurt me and he probably never wanted to lie. But why didn't he just tell me when he started again before he got in so deep with all the debt and the loans? I feel bad because it's an illness and I don't want to turn my back on him when he needs me the most- but equally I have to think of myself and my future. I won't ever get a morgage with him now he has all these debts, I won't be able to trust him again and I'm not sure I want to have to babysit him all my life. I need someone to take care of me who I can rely on and who will be completely trustworthy. He has said he will get help and he's going to clear his debts and start counselling again ... but for some reason that doesn't feel enough. I need more from him. I need him to show me just how much this means to him. I'm worried that he's only told me because he blew all his money and had no other way out and so confessed ... if he had won at the bookies that day.. he'd have come on holiday and pretended all was ok. I dont know what to do- I feelnlikenin my heart I know that I need to walk away- this could be the making of him if I do because he will realise what he's lost and maybe it's the only way to open his eyes. He has begged and pleased me notto leave him but I need some space to get my head around it and right now I just cannot be with him. On the other hand, he is such a lovely kind and caring gentleman who has maybe just got stuck in a rut. He hasn't always gambled- only the last 2 years whereby is has become such a problem and has grown into his friend, a crutch I suppose . I find it hard to walk away from 6 years; a man I had planned a future with tonhave a house and a marriage and babies... and it has all been taken away from us both. I just don't know where to turn or what to do and just need some advice going forward

sorry for the ling post- if appreciate any thoughts or advice

xx