Hi guys,
So...this is my first post on this forum and I know there may be very similar ones out there but I need to get this off my chest.
Ive been with my boyfriend a year, it all seemed great at first but theres always got to be a downfall somewhere, right? Since ive known him he has been terrible with money but I put this down to him loosing his job and not being able to find his feet...2 months into the relationship I had to pay his rent for him as it took him a whole 7 months to find a job?? In this time I was paying for everything like he even had the cheek to ask me to buy him cigs and lend him money to go out even though I had to work my a*s off to earn money for myself. Eventually he finds himself a new job closer to where I live, by this point were living at my mums as he has been kicked out of his old house after not paying the rent for 5 months!!!!
Eventually we save enough money to move in together...everything seemed to be going great again! Until...the first month of paying rent came around. I assumed it had all gone fine as the rent came out of my boyfriends account and I payed for all the bills. 5 days down the line knowing none the wiser, my boyfriend came home and confessed the rent hadnt been paid and he had gambled over £500 away in 20 minutes online! I was FURIOUS but after sitting down with him and listening we got to the root of the issue and figured out he was panicking due to debt etc. So I sorted all of this out for him, told him I wanted control of his money every month and I would pay his debts out of this money too.
Hes left with about £100 a month at the moment which i just transfer to him because I thought he would want me to trust him with a small amount of money that doesnt need to be used for anything, clearly not. He would go straight out that same night on a bender buying C*****e and spending money on drinks for himself and everyone else, trying to impress. Whilst Im at home sat in trying to sort out money, pay debts and save what I have of my own money for food shopping etc. Now 5 months down the line, my boyfriend has admitted to gambling countless times with his spare money. He won some money and thought I would be happy. It just made me feel sick that the money was won from gambling, he booked a place for us to stay with the money and I dont even want to go it angers me that much. Ive now found out he won more than he told me and he actually gambled £400 of it away. Obviously upset and tired with it all i asked him why he felt the need, he told me to get over myself and stop being pathetic?
I dont think the way I am acting is out of line and in fact he is still lucky I am helping him out. I just feel bad for leaving like he will just mess his life up and I cant feel guilt like that. What do I do? Im so stressed with it all its making me ill. I think he has an addictive personality all round, drugs, alcohol, food, gambling to be honest. He cant stop himself with anything and its making me sick.
Hi charm you can't help him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. There is no consequence to his gambling while you pay. In a healthy relationship there is not a downfall after 2 months. You don't pay rent for someone you hardly know. That has given him the green light to continue. He now knows you will sort it out, great take his finances and pocket money too! You can't give money to a gambler, you can't bail them out. He wants you to feel guilty, to rescue him. He is a manipulator, a liar, a deceiver. Why is that ok? Why would you do that? This is the time for you to find out why you are willing to accept this? This is not normal life. You don't know the real him, everything is a lie. You've said he's addicted to everything, you are now enabling him. It's not your job to fix him.
You sound exactly like me and my partner. I am slowly trying to detach myself from him before he drags me down with him. I'm heartbroken because I love the man behind the addiction. We had a 2 hour argument over text last night because despite constant promises he had been playing slots again with cash he got hold of (I hold his money) he was begging me for £20 for "one last time" he sounded like a smack head begging for a fix. I held my ground and said no. Now he's sullen and resentful. He's meant to be moving into my home on Friday - was my last ditch attempt to help him get away from the environment he's in - but I cant see that happening now and I've no idea where he'll go. All I get is lies and broken promises and he tries to turn it round and minimise it as though I am the one overreacting. He went to one GA meeting and seemed so positive but is yet to go back. I dont think he's ready and sadly I wont be there when he is. He owes me thousands that I helped him with whilst sorting his bankruptcy and paying rent. I feel like a total mug and I'm sad to let go of the future I thought we could have. I hate what he is becoming.
Hi Charm96,
Why would you want to stay with someone who shows you no respect, why do try and fix someone elses mess while they show you disrespect. You have shown him that he can treat you like this and their are no consequences. You are driven by guilt of what might happen if you leave and possibly fear of losing him. This is no way to live, its also very strange to bail someone out after 2 months of being with them. Try some councelling , or check out GamAnon. You deserve better than this.
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