Getting in debt trying to help

Not for one minute do I envy your position nor do you deserve to be suffering from your dads choices.

You must however stop being an enabler, sadly there will be consequences but you must tell your dad no more.

You and your mum need to protect yourselves, you need to take full control of everything that is yours, it would be sensible to get some professional help as well

with the amount you are paying you could find somewhere of your own to rent (unless you're in london maybe!) and that might include your mum too (worst case here)

Once you have everything of yours under control then you can decide if you want to try and offer your dad practical support/ advice etc, plenty of people here to help create a list of options but you must not do any of it yourself and you must stop lending your dad money

This will be tough, he will most likely go through a full spectrum of emotions (several times) and he will most likely lay on a lot of manipulation, you need to be really strong. his stories don't matter, nor do his reasons, excuses, the sums are irrelavent, you have decided you are not willing to life your life in this manner and nor should you, you are young, earning money, working hard, you should be seeing benefit of that, you should be living your life.

This is not your fault, stay strong and best wishes

P.s. I'm a CG and whilst in my early stages of recovery am thankful that when I last looked for financial support those around me refused. it hurt, I was upset, desperate and frustrated but above all else I am now thankful that they stayed strong

Hi abbey, that's ..... I can't even say what I want it would be deleted and you'd be hurt. You are not here to support your parents. You are certainly not to get into debt because of your fathers habit. My advice is call gamcare, go to a gamanon meeting. Don't give your dad any more money. You need help and support, you shouldn't be parenting your parents. As CG said it's not your fault, don't take any blame for this. Please look after yourself and don't take on anymore debt. You've got a life to live. Keep posting. Don't be afraid to say no!

Thank you for the advice I really appreciate it. The main thing my dad does is spend all his money when he gets paid and then leaves no money for food or train fair to work the following week.

His train fair is £25 a day from southend on to London I usually end up giving him £30 a day so that he can eat as well.

If I dont give him this money then he doesnt pay his rent, eat or go to work. He has nearly been fired so many times and been threatened to get kicked out of his flat often.

What should I do in this situation should I let him loose his flat and job?

Thank you again.

Abbey

You wouldn't be doing anything.

If your dad lost his job and flat then he has done that, not you.

Be pedantic about this, your mindset must not be that you let him lose his flat. If it happens, he did it, through his choices.

It's a hard situation for you to face, essentially parenting your parent and I would recommend you phone the professionals for advice but the way I see it, you have options:

1) Say no more. that's it as of this minute no more money/lending etc

2) Impose a deadline. Pay this months rent, buy 10 packets of plain pasta and two weeks train tickets. then tell your dad that is it. No more money but he has twoi weeks 'breathing space' to let it sink in and take action - you do this option and then relent it would be far worse than option 1 as well - he would know you will cave in.

3) Carry on - give your dad cash that he gives to the bookmakers so that the bookmakers can go on holiday, meet their friends, sleep well, drink well, eat well, just generally live a nice life, you can carry on suffering.

I'm sure many people will oppose option 2 but I just wanted to offer another suggestion that MIGHT suit you. If you do decide to do this or similar, no money can go to your dad. Pay the rent direct, buy the train tickets and the dried pasta (by the way it doesn't matter if he 'doesn't like pasta' - it's cheap and people can survive on it and anyone would eat it if hungry enough) but absolutely no money to your dad. and nothing more than these three things or you will bailing him out again.

oh one other thing, talk to whoever YOU want. whatever friends or family hat can offer you support as well, then talk to them. It's his dirty little habit, not yours. you deserve better and that includes support from those around you. He has long since lost the right to tell you who you can and can't discuss this with.

Hi Abbey,

Welcome to thhe Forum!

Thank you for sharing your story with us here.

You have been heavily affected by your dad´s gambling problem and you find yourself in the position of supporting both your mum and your dad now. This is very complex and concerning and I wonder whether you may want to talk this through with an advisor in private in order to ensure that you get all the support you require at this time.

Our Helpline and Netline are confidential services and they are open from 8am to midnight every day. The Helpline number is 0808 80 20 133 and our Netline is the online equivalent, like a person to person chat on http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline

You really show a lot of maturity by wanting to support your parents and by wanting to do the right thing. At the same time, it is important that you also learn to focus on yourself, on your own future and on what you wish to do. As you are looking for support here, I think that you know that, too and I hope that you will find much support and understanding for your situation here on the Forum.

You experience much pressure from your dad to help him address his financial problems and there may be ways to ease this pressure and still love your dad. He has the responsibility for his actions. I hope that you will give us a call.

Kind wishes

Gabriele