Girlfriend of a gambler

I feel very close to depression becasue there is nothing that I can do until he is ready but the question is how long do I wait? or do i just walk away?

His behaviour seems like he is not ready to admit he has a problem. I'm 5 years into a relationship with a gambler, we live together and are planning to get married. If I were in your position, I would walk away. If I could, I would walk away from my current situation. It sounds harsh but he is just going to drag you down with him.

Hi Heartbreak 24

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

My son has a lovely girlfriend and they've been together for 6 years, and I would of thought if anyone could of convinced him to get help it would be her, but it hasn't happened.

We have tried everything possible to help and support him and again nothing has worked.

Over time all compulsive gamblers get worse, its very progressive, I would never of thought we could be at point we are now. We have had a dreaful time with him for quite some time and are now choosing to cut all contact with him, for our benefit and his.

I've finally accepted that we can not help him, he has to do this on his own and I know things are going to get worse for him now that hes not home with us. We've been left with no choice and its obvious to us that he is going to have to get to rock bottom before he wants recovery and we have to stand back and let that happen.

Will power wont fix this, firstly they have to want recovery badly and then theres GA, Gamcare and plenty other support so it can be done, but as I say its only if they want it badly enough. Im sorry to say that your boyfriend isnt ready yet, and you could be waiting a very long time.

I know how much you love your boyfriend but you need to give it some serious thought about what life will be like with a compulsive gambler who isn't making any steps towards recovery. As difficult as it is now Im afraid if he continues as he is it will definetly get worse.

Ive sometimes thought about telling my sons girlfriend to leave him, I know thats a horrible thing to say but I do know while he's as addicted as he is shes in for a life of misery. She once said that I musnt love him enough when me and his dad get tough with him, its quite the opposite its because we love him so much that we're having to be tough and let him do this for himself.

Im really sorry to say this but if I was your Mum Id be telling you to walk away.

Hi, HB,

I was married nineteen years, four children, when the gambling was exposed. I don't recommend it. I have lost out on an equal life partnership; I have other things, great kids, career but I realise now, with 20:20 hindsight vision, that sticking with marriage meant putting up with emotional and financial abuse because I didn't know better.

You need two things to decide what to do; support for you and accurate information. Read as much as you can of this forum, be informed about the addict behaviour of an active CG. I go to GamAnon and I recommend their meetings, the GC helpline is a phone call away.

The other thing is that you are so embroiled in his life, his problem that you are in danger of taking it upon yourself. Your happiness, your well being and peace of mind are all dependent on whether he gambles. But you can't control that, you can facilitate it or inhibit it but it's not down to you. What's recommended at GamAnon is to learn to step back, to live your life for yourself, not as an extension of him.

Look after you.

CW

Thank you all for your support. We have been seperate for a week and this is day 1 of no contact. I am finding it very hard and feel crushed inside but i know deep down that i need to pick myself up and work on myself. I gave him the ultimatum that i would leave if he didnt get help and he refused to seek professional help. He still seems to think that he can get over it in his own way i.e., going out and socialising with friends more but i need to look out for number 1 now.

I really appreciate everyones advice and this is definitely a great place to let off steam. It's amazing to see how many strong people there are out there!

Hi Heartbreak24

This is so hard, but I really think you're doing the right thing given that hes refusing to get help.

When you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to carry it all the way through, other wise its just empty threats and he wont believe it next time. We have given my son an ultimatum in the past and stood by it for quite a while until we eventually gave in after he assured us he'd get help. I wish we had never done that, we should of stuck it out it just made him more arrogant, he didnt believe anything we said after that.

A little while ago we gave him another ultimatum that if he steals from us again he will be told to leave and will not be coming back. Earlier this week he did exactly that and we had to follow through, he didnt think we'd do it though.

Get yourself as much support as you can, and continue to put yourself first because unfortunately to a compulsive gambler we will never be a priority, for them it will always be their next bet.

Take care

Hi HB

I am a CG and have been for 22 years. I have been with my OH for 17 years however he has only known for about 10 years or so. Looking back in a way I wish he had of walked away and then I may of sorted myself sooner but his was empty threats and I knew they were. He has never unstood my addiction and refuses to talk about it. Luckily I have had my mum who I can talk to. Your OH will not sort himself out until he truly WANTS to he will just keep lying to you. I have told my fella hundreds of times that I am going to stop but always gambled in secret, unfortunately that's what people like us do.

BTW I am now 36 days gamble free as I WANT to give up 🙂

Stick to your guns and stay strong xx

Tilly,

I would have posted this on your thread but you don't have one. So we're using BiS's - sorry. If you're minded to reply, so so on mine.

Posts from both side of the fence are always welcome but the first part of your post shows the manipulative thinking regularly mentioned on this side of the fence. Your OH doesn't understand you, and if only he did and if only he followed through an ultimatum, you wouldn't still be gambling? Especially when he doesn't even know what's going on? No. You are responsible for your own choices, you control what you do, you decide whether to gamble or to choose recovery. Nothing that your OH or your mother do or say "make" you do anything. If you're serious about recovery, take responsibility for your own actions and stop projecting blame, guilt etc on to your family.

Having said this rather harshly, I hope that you do at least think about it and I wish you well.

CW

Hi HB

If my post offended anybody I apologise as I was only trying to give you an opinion from a CG.

Take care and best of luck

Hi tilly1976

I appreciate imput from everyone on this forum its good to see all perspectives, and I have respect for anyone struggling with this horrible addiction. I understand you never meant to cause offence and like you thats not my intention either but what you say has really hit a very sore nerve.

Im having an extremely hard time following through with the "ultimatum" we have given our son, I feel absolutely heartbroken to the point I feel I can barely function. It has been the hardest thing we have ever had to do and Ive no idea if I will ever see him again and last time I saw him he told me it was my fault that he was going to kill himself. Hes in a very bad way, he was very distressed and angry when I last saw him but we had to follow through with that ultiamatum, because when we havent in the past hes said the same as you "empty threats".

We have been left with no option but to follow through with that ultimatum but by god the urge to undo that and go and find him and bring him home is killing me. Please understand that to follow through with an ultimatum is an extremely painful and desperate experience for those of us on my side of the fence.

My husband doesnt talk about our sons gambling, it doesnt mean he doesnt care, its completley the opposite, its just the way he copes. For a long time I wondered if Id done something that caused my son to gamble, and its taken just as long with the help of a great counsellor to know that its nothing we have done he makes his own choices as do we all. We might not be getting it right, I know Ive made lots of mistakes, but I do know that everyone in my position are doing our very best to be supportive and understanding. My son blames me and his dad for everything that is wrong in his life and I can tell it you it really hurts to hear that so please dont leave any blame at your OH's feet.

As I said I mean no offence just saying it from my point of view, I wish you well in your recovery.