I have been with my fiance for nearly 6 years. He has gambled most of his life and is absolutely wrecking his life and mine and his families. It starated small with the odd occasionally bet on the football and then progressed to casinos. When I got with him I managed to stop him going to casinos when we moved in together but then he got a smart phone which means he can gamble on his phone. I can't monitor this all the time. He puts passwords on things and lies to me constantly. This weekend was the final straw. He had promised me that he hadn't gambled for over a month but something was telling me not to believe him and I was right. Eventually he owned up and showed me his accounts. There it was in black and white numerous amounts to gambling sites. I couldn't take any more and kicked him out. I said I needed space and time to think. I've put up with it for to long. I love him but I don't like him any more. The gambling has taken away all that was good about him. He wants to get better and I truly believe that finally he can see how much he is hurting the people that love him. I need some advice as to how I can help him. I don't want my relationship to end but I need some help.
I am in the same boat. On Sunday he emptied my bank account of £900 which was the mortgage & utility bills which are due off today. He had not even apologised. He can't because he is currently hating himself & feeling low so he will pretty much act like it never happened. When I try & talk he is noncommittal.over the past 10 years I have shouted,cried,ranted & raved & left him but they have no effect. Now I mostly just stay silent & cry when I'm on my own which I've done most of the morning. I have had his bank card for the past 8 years which helps some but the problem is he will go through periods where he thinks he is capable of just putting a coupon on on a Saturday or a bet on the midweek football but it always escalates. If I say to him he is not capable of this he always says but he enjoys putting a coupon on etc is he not supposed to have any enjoyment in life? He'd be as well dead then. I'm at my wits end.
Hi Lulew88
The truth of the matter is that he has to want to help himself. He has to want to stop. You can point him in the right direction to where he can get help to stop, but he has to want to stop.
GA and/or counselling are both good first ports of call. Gambling block software is available to download free of charge...I think it is called K9. He should be willing to hand over financial control to you, and carry only limited amounts of cash on him...NO cards.
I am a recovering gambler. Do not trust him. We will lie,cheat and steal to gamble. We have very little in the way of moral virtue.
Have you given any thought to attending Gamanon. It is a fellowship of the partners / friend of the gambler. They have a wealth of experience in dealing with us CG's, and can offer you the guidance and support that you are going to need.
Take care
Thank you for your responses both. I just feel so alone. I feel torn because I want to believe him but a big part of me is screaming don't believe him. The problem is as well is that the majority of his friends gamble as well. I don't know if I can say to him that he needs to stop seeing them but really he does. I tried doing the control of money before and had his cArds and access to his accounts but then he would start getting angry with me if I didn't give him what he wanted money wise and I ended up giving in to avoid an argument. It's so difficult. I hate gambling.
Hi again
If he wants to stop gambling he should voluntarily give over financial control and be happy that he has somebody willing to do it for him. His anger at you (some would say bullying), tells me that he was not happy with this arrangement because it hindered his gambling. He also has to make a choice regarding his mates and the venues where he sees them. No problem having mates as long as they aren't gambling when he is around. Also no problem seeing them as long as it is not in a gambling venue. These are some pretty basic rules that he has to look at if he wants to stop gambling.
I'll repost what I said earlier..."The truth of the matter is that he has to want to help himself. He has to want to stop. You can point him in the right direction to where he can get help to stop, but he has to want to stop." The help is always there if / when he wants to stop. Unfortunately the signs tell me that he is unwilling to attempt to, or doesn't want to stop.
Give some thought about attending Gamanon or getting some counselling...(eithe one on one or over the phone). Can you talk to family members? Do they know?
Take care
Hi Lulew88,
I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend is a gambler and his friends as well. You did right to take all his cards and eventhough he gets angry, he needs to understand that you only want to help him.
It's awfull how they can lie and make us feel bad but as long as we talk to people with same problems, we will feel better
Take care
It is because I lowe him so much but the gambling can't continue. I can't believe I have tobe in this position of possibly ending my relationship and losing my best friend to gambling
Hi, both,
I had been married to a CG for sixteen years before I found out that he was gambling. First time round, I got denials, refusal to hand over the finances, promises of change. It didn't change, the secrecy continued, the few questions that I dared to ask were met with what I now know to be outright lies, the mood swings and withdrawal continued. And I let it go for another three years.
This time round, it is different. He was prepared to stop, to hand over financial control, to go to GA, so far he has kept it up. It's not easy, I still don't know if I can get over it but we can at least try, the abusive behaviour has stopped.
Even now, I'm shocked to think that I ended up with a CG, an addict, it wasn't what I signed up to.
It does help to talk.
CW
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