Has he got a problem?

Hi and welcome to the forum, in a compulsive gambler deep down I knew it for a long time others could see it in me although I kept it hidden very well.

It sounds like he is a compulsive gambler to me as a guide GA uses the below 20 questions that might help you and more importantly him see it more clearly.

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
3. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
5. Did gambling affect your reputation?
7. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
9. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
11. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
13. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
15. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
17. Did you often gamble until your last pound was gone?
19. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
21. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
23. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
25. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
27. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
29. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?
31. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
33. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
35. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
37. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
39. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

Thank you, this is very helpful. I think the answer to nearly all of the above questions is yes but I'm sure he'd say no.
I love him and want to help him but he doesn't feel it's a problem. I honestly think he'd choose poker or betting over any of us though.

Hi Rose, welcome to the forum 🙂

Not sure he would accept that he is choosing gambling over you (if he would have to answer yes to so many & yet does not believe he has a problem) but he is & you are absolutely right to be wary. The best thing you can do is get yourself support (the helpline may be a good start but there is counselling available and GamAnon groups for friends & familes of loved ones), learn what you can about this addiction & draw some boundaries. An active compulsive gambler will stoop to unbelievable lows to stay in action & everyone around them will be caught in the crossfire. You have to protect yourself & your children because 'we' are not up to the task when we are caught up in denial.

Don't be pushed into doing something you're not happy with to 'keep tthe peace'. I hate to burst your bubble but are you really as happy as you think you are knowing that he's lying to you? You need trust in a relationship & stealing from your savings jar, regardless of the disaster that it was no doubt 'needed' for, should not happen. Please, trust your instincts & look after you - ODAAT

Hi, Rose,

His daughter and his father, both of whom have known him for more than three years, have told you that he has a history of problem gambling. You can see for yourself that he is constantly playing on line poker, that he's totally broke two weeks after pay day (the two are related), that he has lied to you, that he has helped himself to money from the savings jar without your permission. In short, you can see that at the moment, he would indeed chose poker over you.

It's time to rely on your own common sense and judgement. By whose standards is he good with money? His? Being broke two weeks after payday, raiding the jar, none of that indicates that he's good with money. You can see for yourself that he has a gambling problem and that he's not good with money, best advice is to state truth as you see it and not maintain the fiction. His addiction is dangerous and unchecked, he will drag you down.

It seems that you're doing what I did, waiting for him to acknowledge the problem, then it can officially be addressed. But he isn't about to do that any time soon, he's able to gamble whilst still having all needs met, it's not really costing him.

Your problem is your wish to help (fix?) him but as you can see from the evidence before you, that's not an option. Nothing will change as long as he wishes to gamble. There is nothing that you can do or say to make him accept the fact of his problem. But you can help you and protect yourself and your children. You can look at the reality of your situation, go to GC counselling and GamAnon meeting and say that you're doing so because of his gambling problem. You can ensure that you don't pay for the gambling. You can tell him that you're not sure about moving the relationship forward because of his gambling problem.

You can't fix him and the best advice is to focus on doing what's best for you. For which you need help and support, start by reading the forum and go to meetings. Then you'll develop the strength you need to move forward.

Look after you.

CW

Hi Rose

The fact you're concerned he has a problem (he does. His family are doing you a favour telling you that) is enough. Trust your instincts. He's lying, minimising and stealing from you right now. Getting married won't improve things if he's not ready to change in fact it's far more likely you will end up doing what you fear which is supporting him financially and that's leaving out the fact that an unaddressed addiction is more than capable of bringing everyone around down further than you might imagine possible.

Protect your finances (which includes making sure you are not financially associated with him in any way. Even an innocuous sounding joint account) and read as much as you can on what you're up against then think hard about what you want your future to look like. Even if he commits to recovery it's a long hard haul for everyone concerned and he sounds nowhere near that point yet.

Thanks you all.
I'm going to ask him to show me exactly what he's spending on betting and what he spent on poker the other week.
I'm not going to have financial connection with him, I can't risk it.
I didn't know if I was being too over the top thinking he's got a problem but this has giving me the clarification I needed.

Thanks again,

Rose

I tried similar first time round and got nowhere. He didn't know what the betting was costing and he didn't want to. He refused to listen, instead he used anger as weapon and turned the conversation to how I was a control freak, how what he spent was his business, how I wanted to interfere in everything etc etc.

CW

I do fear I'll get the same response. I love him but I love my children more. He's given me an exact amount he spent on poker the last time he played and said he won't play it again. If he's lied about either I'll have to walk away.

Hi RoseT. Whatever you do DO NOT HAVE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT WITH A GAMBLER. Having his own financial problems is one thing but dragging you into it would be disgusting in my opinion. I gamble and i dont have acess to physical cash anymore and it has helped me greatly, ive stopped and started but this time i am making a real go of it, but i would not dream of asking my partner for a joint account which in my opinion is ridicolous that any man or woman should feel they need that. All i can give is advice and that is do not make the situation worse by doing that, best thing to do is to take control of his finances and give him pocket money when needed. Hope all goes well.