My partner of 6 and half years. has a gambling problem, it's affecting his mood, making him agressive and argumentative. Last sunday he picked an argument with my 17 year old son and attacked him, I caught him pinning him to the floor with his hands around his neck and his knee in his chest! He was arrested and is now out of the house. He needs help and i'm going to make sure he gets it. I still love him - he says he loves me - but he's crossed the line. Does gambling and aggression go hand in hand? I think it does - I hasten to add - never towards me!
Hi Louise,
I think problem gamblers, like all addicts, can find themselves in dark places.
He needs to face up to what he has done. I would lay down the law, unbreakable rules that should he ever breach.
Yes he needs love & support but you & your son should not be made victims. Make it clear. I would ask him to write a letter of apology to you & one to your son. If he ever does anything like it again you have something in writing hopefully he won't forget what he has done & your son will have evidence should your partner ever cross that line again.
Pull no punches when you tell him he is an addict & needs to face his demons. It's really hard & he will only stop when he really wants to. Ensure all blocks & measures to stop are made. If you feel up to it take control of his finances.
I hope things settle down & your son is ok.
Redham
Sometimes we can cause an argument in order to justify ourselves going off on a gambling spree , in a gamblers mind it's almost like " Well if he or she's going to be like that then I'll go to a place that makes me feel good " that being said there's a big difference to causing an argument and a full blown attack on someone , it could be anger, frustration or maybe the self control he lacks because of gambling has spilled over into other areas of life but it still shouldn't happen and he definately needs to look into anger management of some sort , you say he's never been agressive with you ? " Well not yet " ? .
Your choice , your rules and most definately your call but if someone that claims to love me had physically attacked my son , I would need massive changes and proof of getting help before I would even consider them coming back home to live again .
I wish you well :))
Thankyou Redham and Alan - you are spot on! I knew this was related - he's had a very odd few weeks and lots of things tipped him over the edge - but it's unacceptable! The letter of apology is a good idea and I am insisting he goes to councelling. He did try GA - but they were in his words - "worse than me". I'd love to have him back - I miss him so much but it cannot be.
'He did try GA - but they were in his words - "worse than me".' Sounds like he doesn't want to stop gambling and can't accept he has a problem. Don't do the legwork for him, if he wants to make amends (and he has a long way to go after attacking your son) then he needs to decide he wants to do it. Making him go to counselling and/or GA along with other ultimatums will only work for so long, if at all. Look after yourself and son first and foremost. If he really wants help and to change then let him be the one to reach out. Don't be a doormat.
I wish you all the very best
Hi Louisekent, you may not like this but I completely agree with Sam! Wonder how many of those people worse than him have assaulted people, been arrested! Lots of people don't fancy GA, but it's tried & tested.
Don't make excuses for him, we are all responsible for our own actions & in the 30 years of feeding money into a machine, I never felt the need to attack anyone. Equally, it's irrelevant that it's never been towards you (yet)...You are that child's mother & as much as you love this man, if it's not him making the effort, you will be putting yourself & your family in danger.
Please, look after you, look after your boy - ODAAT
You have choices in this in a way that your son doesn't, your son's not fully grown yet, not fully independent and his peace and security depend on your choices rather than his own. So make your choices wisely and base them on what you OH does in the long term (years), not what he says in the short term (days).
You've been with this man for 6.5 years, the norm is that a son is for life. How safe is your son going to feel if you let your OH trample over the boundaries and threaten security again because your OH claims to love you? Handsome is as handsome does, nothing about violence or actively using is handsome.
Echo previous comments that your OH has to sort himself out. You are not your OH's mother and it's not your job to fix him. Nor is it within your power to do, you don't have that sort of control over him. You know that you can't control your OH's gambling because it hasn't been possible so far, you've proved it to yourself.
Time for change, move the focus over to you and your son and how to deal with your own situation, not the gambler's.
Take care,
CW
I gave him the number of the helpline and for the Councelling service.....balls in his court now. Thank for your support.
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