I have known my boyfriend has a gambling problem for a few years. It started out as harmful fun, we even did it together! But where as I can place 2 £5 bets every year, he has gambled away thousands of pounds. He has just started opening up to me this year and has admitted he has a problem (even I didn't realise how big the problem was).
I want to be there and support him but I am questioning myself. I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks even before I met him so am I strong enough to help him? He didn't gamble at the start of our relationship so why now? If he was with someone else would he stop and save up for a house/holidays/a future?!
I guess I am sort of looking for success stories. I want to help him but how can I when I can't help my own problems?
Hi,
Sorry to hear what's been going on.
The three Cs: You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. You control what you do but you can't make him do or not do anything. Our instinct is to fix the gambler because we're so much more competent but it just doesn't work. We can give support and encouragement but they have to take responsibility themselves for their own destiny. We can't do it for them. Move your focus over to you and keep it there, you're involved with a CG and you need help and support to cope with your situation. You have decisions to make about what you expect from a lifetime partnership (you're not his mother) and what you are prepared to put up with. Sources of help are the forum and Helpline, also GamAnon meetings.
Success stories? Depends on how you define success. Gambling addiction can be arrested by avoiding the first bet indefinitely but there is no such thing as a cure. Long term recovery is entirely possible, but it requires a combination of several factors. In the short term, blocks to limit access to gambling, longer term, a change in personality, so that there's honesty, emotional connection with other people, an acceptance of reality, so that the gambler can live contentedly without needing the mysterious something that placing a bet gives them. The problem is within the gambler, there won't be any long term success in taking away the gambling without addressing any other issues that led to the addiction. For this reason, success isn't a limited gamble free period, followed by the thought that a quick flutter won't hurt, it always does because the compulsion is always there. The standard advice to a gambler who wants to stop is to attend GA meetings, have counselling, use effective blocks and barriers and tell their family. If you read the forum, there's a frightening number of diaries where all manner of excuses are given for not doing this.
Take care of you.
CW
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