Help

Hi Jo68

It sounds like a difficult time for you not knowing where you stand with your finances.

You could try contacting your local Citizens Advice Centre for some support. Also try contacting one of the debt agencies from the link I am including in this reply. They will be able to help you with any questions you may have in relation to debts, loans and investments.

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/finance-and-debt-management#.VCA56PldXww

We are here to help your husband if he feels ready to talk to us. Please forward our freephone helpline number to him 0808 8020 133

He could also consider using the netline if he feels more comfortable using this service. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VBhpbfldXww

Kind regards

Cade

Forum admin

Secure any finances you have left into your name (including the house if applicable). Your husband needs to speak the the debt charity (can anyone remind me of the name?) to see how he may wipe/consolidate any of those debts. Remember, they're his debts NOT yours. It isn't your responsibility to pay anything back. You need to cut off any funds from him - wages into your account, no cards or access to accounts for him. Also install gamblock software on phones and computers and self exclude himself from websites/bookies/anywhere to do with gambling. Let me know if you need any help with any of the latter. Protect yourself and if you want to - get out! Some legal advice may be necessary in that case. Get him into counselling pronto too and some for you if you'd like, as you need support too

Thanks for the reply. I cant secure the house into my name as it is mortgaged & i dont earn ienough to cover the mortgage. My worry is that there is equity in the house but he is wanting to go down the route of an IVA (he seems to have looked into this, but im not sure) if we cant remortgage then what could happen to the house? Ive waited along time for my dream home which i now have & if we sold it i would resent him forever for putting me in this situation. I know everyone says its HIS debt but i cant help feeling responsibility for repaying it. Im just so confused. He is speaking to a councellor next week & i know i also need to see one as this is a whole new territory to me !!

Hi jo please get some proper advice regarding debt. Stepchange, debt camel, citizens advice. Calling credit card companies to stop interest, negotiate repayments, consolidation loans. These should all be done by him. If you remortgage it costs more, as longer debt. If you transfer house into your name, you are responsible and as you say mortgage companies won't do it if you don't earn enough. Credit scores Experian, noddle. You can get alerts if he applies for credit. Lethe and Cynical Wife, read their posts, they know everything! Open the post. I called the financial services authority and they told me what to do regarding too many loans, irresponsible lending. You have to prove certain things. Lots use IVA it's a manageable repayment plan. GA meetings are really the best way to get help. Yes he won't want to, but he may find it the only place people really understand. This is forever. There is no cure, just arresting the problem. You maybe could go to gamanon if there is one in your area. Find out as much about addiction it will help. Get control of finance, salary straight to you. Cash and receipts when needed. My husband has no money, doesn't touch accounts. Complete transparency is the way forward.

Echo the advice to get good impartial advice from a recognised and free source. Mr L used Payplan who were excellent and others here rate Stepchange who are a similar charitable debt advice service. The only thing I would say is that if anything he suggested involved transferring unsecured debt into debt secured on the house it would be an absolute no from me.

Even though you are reeling at present there are things you need to do immediately to secure what if anything is left of the finances and to establish the true extent of the debt (chances are there's more than he's admitting to). Prioritise getting everything you can into your sole name and getting access to his and your own credit reports from all three agencies. All available free now and ongoing via Noddle (Callcredit) Cleascore (Equifax) and Experian via MSE's Credit club. Once you've secured the finances you have breathing space to consider your next move.

Hi not had much chance to speak to other half as he works shifts but he has promised me today he will make a list of everything that he owes. Spoke to the inlaws yesterday (as he had told his dad, but slightly different to what he told me!) Opened my own bank account for my salary & emptied the joint account, just in case! He is reluctant to hand over all his cards, had a look at his bank acvount, but im sure there is another one somewhere. Im going to speak to CAB today & he has already gone down the toute of IVA only got stuck when he had to prove his CM payments! How can i prevent him taking an Iva without talking to me first? I need to find out the implications long term for both of us! Going to call his doctor & go with him to the appointment. Im going through counselling myself for depression & i am really worried that all this could tip me over the edge again, but also realise i have to find counselling for gambling to try & understand what & why he is going through what he is! He also does 'risk free betting'where lays off the odds & wins small which he still thinks is alright to do to try & recoupe some money. Told him he also needs to stop this & until he does then he hasnt fully come to terms with his addiction. Sorry for the long winded comment but it does help me to get it off my chest x

Morning,

re you feeling responsible for his debt: it’s really important not to cushion addicts from consequences because then it becomes impossible to set working boundaries and anything goes. Also he’s not a toddler, it’s fair enough to clear up a two year old ‘s mess and to save a two year old from himself but your husband is an adult. It’s his mess and part of recovery is taking ownership of it and responsibility for it. You’re not his mother.

If you remortgage the house and clear the slate, experience has shown that there will be more gambling, worse gambling with worse damage. The problem is not the debt. The problem is the addiction. Addressing the debt without addressing the addiction is futile.

Is the house in joint names? If so, then don’t be pressurised into signing anything without legal advice. He can set up what he wants but it would require your signature.

This is not legal advice but: If the house is in his name, then you can register your interest in it (you have an interest by virtue of being married to him) against his title at the Land Registry. If this applies, do it as a matter of urgency, before his creditors get there. Best to get legal advice but you can download the form yourself if you have to.

There’s no such thing as free or safe betting, that’s a gambler’s fantasy. Understand that he is addicted to the process of placing a bet and in doing so he is using.

Your counselling is about you and can only be about you. It’s fine to educate yourself about addiction for self protection but your focus should be on you and how you deal with what’s happening to you. Getting sidetracked by thinking about why he gambles is a fast road to a dead end because you can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. Only he can take ownership of the problem of his gambling and the solution. He’s he, you’re you. You can learn to make your own life the best it can be, you can take ownership of yourself, of your solutions.

Look after yourself.

CW

Thanks cynical wife. The house is in joint names so i guess im safe there, for a while anyway! I have explain the no safe bet thing but he still doesnt see it as a major problem so i guess he hasnt reached rock bottom yet. We have 3 loans that are paid through our joint account, yes realise now it was the wrong thing do in paying them, but if i cancel the DD what then, leave it up to him to talk to the loan companies? He has also said that there is no pount in living anymore which obviously worries me but cant keep an eye on him 24/7 & i think it was really selfish to even suggest this when i have stood by him. I know he needs help & it cant come soon enough x

Hi,

It doesn’t matter what he sees or doesn’t see. There’s a problem and if you treat it as a problem and act accordingly, if you don’t join in the denial, it undermines the denial.

If you don’t want to share in the loan repayments, cancel the DD. If you leave it running, you’re paying the loans. The advice at GA and GamAnon is that normal household expenditure comes first, the debts take as long to pay as they take, they’re not a priority.

re his threats, focus on protecting yourself, your emotional health and understand that he chooses what he does or doesn’t do. Don’t take up the rope. You could make sure he has the number of the Samaritans available or the Helpline here and you could encourage him towards the doctor and towards GA meetings, many gamblers do get to that stage. No one can promise that he won’t self harm but if the threat puts you under his thumb and anything goes, that won’t help either of you.

Setting boundaries and prioritising your own well being isn’t mean, it’s necessary.

Wishing you strength.

CW

Hi

Denial and manipulation are all part of the problem and he's doing both.

He's still lying, he won't comply with the basics of blocking himself from gambling. Be wary. Don't compromise on what you want. Keep stating it calmly and don't be drawn into the dramatics. Put yourself and your interests first every single time.

Hi not posted for a few weeks as trying to get my head round what has happened! OT is now going to counselling, with me goung along for support. And has no access to money so has not gambled, as far as i know. My question is is counselling worth it for the partner of a gambling addict? I understand why he did it to try & make a better life for us , its the fact that he took out loans totalling £40k to fund it & now i see no end to us not being able to afford our standard of life we had!!! He has a BMP which is set to last 14 years as it stands at the moment, im worried for my sanity and also if we are strong enough to get through it together.

Hi jo yes it's worth it. You need to get strong and also try to stop the worrying. Deal with things in logical ways. Learn to let go. Learn to rebuild you, your confidence, your self esteem. Don't ever underestimate the power of addiction and its affect on all those connected to an addict. Take any help you can. Sounds like things are going in the right direction. Keep your focus on you and your well being.

Understand clearly that he is/was gambling because he has an addiction to the process of placing a bet. No more, no less. And there’s nothing you can do about it. He gets to decide whether or not to use, you choices are about whether or not you go along with it.

Compulsive gambling is all about using, it’s not about money. Money merely consists of gambling tokens. The losses are a side effect of feeding the addiction. Wishing to make a better life has got nothing to do with it, it’s just an excuse to use. Ditto chasing losses, allegations of your extravagance, allegations of your having upset/ triggered him etc.

Whether we are strong enough? Whose strength and is the strength being well directed ie towards changing so as to overcome the addiction? You tolerating the intolerable in the name of love is actually codependency, not love.

Keep your focus on you and make your own plans. Would suggest GamAnon and CoDA meetings as a starting point.

CW

I didn't do counselling and I don't do meetings so I haven't got a valid opinion on whether they are worth it. What I did do was read everything I could on the addiction and then some including plenty of diaries on this forum among others. It gave me some very good ideas on protecting myself and I didn't compromise on anything I wanted put in place or wanted to know.

It's not in your interests to be too understanding.That way lies making allowances and excuses and all that comes with it. Mr L gets understanding and support from regular GA attendance where they 'get it' in a way I never will.