Help

Well it's been a while & I am somewhere I really didn't think I'd be again! This is now the 5th relapse where things have escalated out of control. Not only did he have a big win last summer (cleared all the debt) I have now found out that he won/lost 70k at the same time, but no debt this time.
We have then been happy together & financially, change of jobs, change of income, not had a lavish lifestyle but we were ok & even planning a holiday. Until there was a knock on the door & the police were there to arrest him for theft from his work place! He pleaded guilty & is in court soon. He is now under the impression that if he finds another job before the next pay day that everything can be alright. I have said I will support him as much as I can, but my heart isn't really in it, but have also said that i need to look out for me & my son. He is making me Ill with stress & worry. I've not been a bad person in life but I seem to be gettibg a lot of c**P thrown at me. Am I being selfish for wanting to walk away this time, I do understand that it is an addiction but how much lower come someone go!
Needing support.
Thanks

o*g jo I'm so sorry to see this. Don't feel guilty this is not your doing. The problem is what he does affects you. Read the thread 'why do they not just stop'. I hate to say it but this situation is becoming far more common. For help and ongoing support you should try and get yourself to a gamanon meeting . They are online Sunday night 8-9, if you can't find one in you area. It's worth making a journey to attend. Did you get credit reports, do the counselling? Call stepchange to help if you are struggling financially , they might also know about theft from work and what to do. I wish there was more I could do. He definitely needs to go to GA no excuses, it will help with the court case. He should sign up to gamstop which restricts online gambling. Call gamcare too.

Hi Jo68,

I'm sorry you are facing this, I was just reading your posts and hadn't twigged the year until I saw the update.

I am a gambling addict and have been for over twenty years. Somewhere along the journey I started to twist reality but always prided myself (secretly) on never outright lying. At some point, I genuinely don't know when, that turned into outright lies and I didn't even notice.

I don't deserve the love I have received but after several 'bail outs' fresh starts and opportunities I have had too many relapses to count, at least four major ones. I have endured years and years of delusion, I have made so many promises - to myself - I have mentally battled against knowing what was the 'right' thing to do and then doing the complete opposite, the voice in my head always won over with, you just lost £x you may as well use £xx and you'll be due a win, if you get to £xxx then all will be OK this month, then you can confess.

It didn't happen until I genuinely reached the point of thinking I would have to do something drastic - either to myself or something illegal to recoup the losses. I made plans, worked through pros and cons of each and somehow, thankfully for me I chose at the last minute to talk, the first time I did actually ask for help instead of being caught and making promises. Realty for me is that I was probably 12 hours from being found out in a bad way (loan sharks) but mentally it is important for me to remember that I did choose to confess.

In the following weeks it became very clear from all the trained, expert advice I recieved that I couldn't control the actions or decisions of those around me. It was not my choice as to whether our marriage had a chance, It was not an option to ask others for financial help. What was within my gift was start taking control of myself. I started trying to change my behaviour, I put things in place, like giving access to my credit files to my wife, my sister, my mother and even my brother-in-law, I asked what they wanted to know, what they wanted me to do.

I am still trying to work on myself, my behaviours and I still have a long way to go, my marriage remains rocky but is improving, I know my wife is still not fully commited to us - she is to us as parents and being the best we can for the children but to us there is still a long way to go. We have discussed the potential impact of being dysfunctional in front of the children and for now believe we are doing well enough to not have a lasting impact and the children are very young. It might be we decide we have not recovered sufficiently and need to seperate, I'm under no illusions this is all as a result of my choices. I crave reassurance, I want to feel and hear that she wants us to work but right now she can't and I respect that.

Sorry, I waffle, the point I am trying to make is that your OH needs to almost forget about your relationship, to not worry about whether you will or wont stand by him, he needs to own his addiction and he needs to do whatever it takes to start addressing that - it's different for all - you need to see his actions and forget/ignore his words, especially his promises. In your previous posts you say he was going to write a list of everything owed - pointless - he will just list what he wants.

Be kind to yourself - do what you need to do to look after you and your son. You don't have to decide on the relationship today - or tomorrow - if he asks, he wants the reassurance just tell him to respect your space, my wife told me If i pushed she would walk. My only chance was to leave her to work through what she needed whilst I got on and actioned what I needed to, knowing that I could do everything I needed to and the marriage still might not work.

It is 672 days since I last stopped gambling, I feel better, mentally physicallly and I am starting to appreciate things again, it's a long, slow road but I will keep trying to move forward and I will keep facing every consequence that comes my way from the choices I made, as a Compulsive Gambler in a recovery stage I just cannot see how anyone will ever stop gambling if they choise not to take full ownership and adopt complete abstinance.

No idea if this actually makes sense and sorry for filling up your pages but once again I'm sorry you have had this thrown at you and I wish you all the best with your own decisions

take care

Hello Jo68, it sounds like a very difficult time for you and your situation sounds very stressful for you. You say you are worried about your sanity it can help to take time out and get some support for yourself. We have a helpline Jo where you can speak with an adviser who will support you and listen to your concerns. The helpline is open 8am -midnight on Freephone 0808 8020 133 or you can speak to an adviser with NetLine

Gamcare offers free treatment services to friends and family this can help you to cope with the situation and it is a support for you.

Keep posting we are here to support you

Kind regards

Forum admin

Thanks for the replies, I feel much stronger this time round & so wish he could see things from 'compulsive Gambler' view. Very good comments & much appreciated. I am going to go to GA meeting with him & I think we will try relate even if it doesn't get us to stay together hopefully things will be more amicable as at the moment he is not being very nice with things, just convinced he doesn't want to loose me. But as stated above he has made the choices he's made with no thought of anyone but himself. I will be there to support him as much as I can but I realise it's me that needs to come first now, & my boy x

to support his as much as I can

- when my support turned from an empathetic, shoulder to shoulder type support to one that was blunt, direct and not interested in the stories, one that only looked at evidence and fact and told me that I was not trusted or believed it helped save my life.

Yes I suppose i can be to nice in fear of not knocking him of his good place, but I am trying to tell it how it is between us & what he has done us. It's a very steep learning curve!!!!

Well descission made, house goes on the market next week, I shall be buying somewhere on my own for my own financial security. Do we stay together, who knows part of me still loves him part of me hates him for all the lies & deceit. He is going to GA meetings, got gamcare counselling next week & we also have marriage counselling. Just taking each day as it comes but it is so hard!

Hi jo I'm sorry you have to sell. That's the last thing you need. The main thing is to put yourself first and get through each day.