Me and my partner have being together coming up 10 years. We have an almost 6 year old son and I’m due our second child in 4-5 weeks time.
My partner has always bet, from the day that we met he used to put on football bets and it’s something we used to enjoy together at the start of the relationship but I didn’t realise how much he was betting. Things really came to a head before we had our first child and I noticed how much he was spending. He wanted to stop and I believed he did. When our son was around 6 months old we moved house and my partner went to the races with friends on a stag do, I think at the time I didn’t think he was ‘addicted’ or had too much of a problem. I went to buy our son nappies etc and realised he had spent every penny in the bank. I think it was around £400 which isn’t a lot but we had no savings, no back up plan and I was only getting the government maternity amount, he broke down and admitted he had a problem and would stop forever, he spoke to a friend who also being through similar things and I believed he was doing good and not betting. Over the years we have had blips and then he would be really sorry when I found out and promised not to do it again.
We lived with his parents for almost 2 years which was really hard and managed to save £10,000 for a house deposit and we moved him almost 3 years ago. It was looking really positive.
This last year I have found he has started betting (I don’t think he ever truly stopped, he just hid it very well or I am stupid). We live every month pay check to pay check. We have no savings, I have just left work for my maternity so my pay is going to drop dramatically. He told me 2 months ago he had blocked all betting from his phone and he didn’t want to do it. He feels really sad and guilty when I find out. He transfers money from our joint account over to his account every month. Some weeks £30/40 others drastically more. Either way we do not have spare money for this to happen.
I had a feeling he was doing something tonight as he normally does it late at night, I checked his phone to find out he has being on bingo sites again and I asked him he lied. It was there in black and white to see he had being on there and spent the last £30 we have in our bank account.
I am worrying about school uniforms/paying for all the things a new baby needs and he is betting away the last bit of money we have for the month. It makes me feel sick like I have being cheated on, the lies and sneaking around.
Why does he think I deserve to be lied to? Why does he think it’s okay for our son to go without because he has spent money like that. I am so cross but mainly I am sad , I don’t know the best way to react or what I should do? The last time he did this I said if he did it again I would ask him to leave the family home. He is such a good dad but I cannot go through this again. We have no savings for me to fall back onto and I feel so alone. If I ask him to leave his will I cope with having a new born baby by myself? Our son would never understand why daddy wasn’t with us. It’s just heartbreaking and I am lost at what to do.
Please if you have any advice I would like to hear it. Thank you for reading my long post.
Hello and welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. It must be such a worry for you. A gambling addiction has such a huge impact on loved ones.
Is it possible for you to sit him down and explain how you are feeling? There are steps that he can take but he has to want to stop and be fully committed. He can put blockers on his phone so that he can't access bingo sites.
Another option is for you to take complete control of the finances, changing passwords, accounts etc. so that he has no access to money, then you just give him a minimal amount for daily expenses.
He has to agree to all this and seriously want to stop though.
Take care of your own wellbeing. The advisers on here are very good if you need to talk and other forum members are supportive so keep posting.
Very best wishes to you.
J
Hi Rebecca
Sorry to hear your partner leaving you in this position. Youl have way more on your mind with baby due very soon.
I think the only way to deal with this is for you to take control of finances and ensure he cannot do this again. You need be able look after yourself and the children, clearly he is not putting you first.
I hope after you speak with hom and suggest this then things will improve for you
I think you need to break this situation down into small steps.
firstly you! You are 8 months pregnant and you are the priority right now. Please please look after yourself.
secondly your first child…make sure he is happy and enjoying the sunshine ☀️ there is not doubt he will feel the negative situation around him. Try to keep the disagreements to when they are in bed.
lastly your partner… addiction is an illness it hurts people and makes them lie and hurt people. My advice would be to sit down and talk. Take control of your finances. Block all gambling sites on your home computer! Make him realise this is absolutely his last chance. It has to be his last chance it’s not healthy for you to carry on this cycle.
I wish you well I really do.
What a worry especially when you are later to pregnancy x
I think you need to break this situation down into small steps.
firstly you! You are 8 months pregnant and you are the priority right now. Please please look after yourself.
secondly your first child…make sure he is happy and enjoying the sunshine ☀️ there is not doubt he will feel the negative situation around him. Try to keep the disagreements to when they are in bed.
lastly your partner… addiction is an illness it hurts people and makes them lie and hurt people. My advice would be to sit down and talk. Take control of your finances. Block all gambling sites on your home computer! Make him realise this is absolutely his last chance. It has to be his last chance it’s not healthy for you to carry on this cycle.
I wish you well I really do.
What a worry especially when you are later to pregnancy x
Hey @rebecca,
The advice above from other members here is fantastic. ?
I just wanted to add, that you are NOT stupid - gambling is often shrouded in shame or self-esteem issues for the gambler, and they will do anything to prevent people from finding out what's really happening. Please don't blame yourself, you're growing a whole human right now, and raising another. Be kind to yourself and do what's right for you and your kids.
All my very best wishes for you and your children,
M x
Very helpful advice given by members already and I think the key point is, he has to want to stop. This takes a deep conversation with just yourself and him. When my wife sat me down to talk about transactions that had gone out, when i had i said i had stopped gambling.. it really worked by her showing her disappointment and ultimately giving me a decision to make. Life with her or life with constant lies, struggle and gambling. I am 3 months clean now where i have not placed a bet just to that understanding what i wanted more of, the thrill of a bet or my wife to be happy with me,
I guess the conversation needs to happen with him and he really needs to want to change or the bans etc will get the better of him and he will find another way to gamble.
You have done so well so far, do not think for a second you are being silly, gamblers are selfish, at the time of gambling, we think of no one but ourselves and guilt could maybe come later and for some it doesnt. I would say keep your head up, sit him down for this conversation and hopefully you will be able to see better.
Wishing you all the best
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