Help! Is it a lost cause?

Hi Anon i am really sorry to hear what u are going through am going to be brutally honest with you your husband isnt ready to quit, this addiction is like any other addiction however with the right measures things can get better, gambling gives you false hope unless you really want to change nothing will improve, Blocks needs to be put in place and finances needed to be handed over the bare minimum he also needs to want to get better, at my early stage i was exactly similar boat however in all honestly i wasent ready to quit howevee i have been trying over the last 13 years with many relapses on the way, im curently just over a year clean, my advice would be to get your partner on here and read some of the stories, gambling provides u with false hope 

Hi anon209

change your focus. Look at why you can’t say no? Debts and gambling come last. Money is for family, food, bills, kids.

Try and find calm time to talk. He told you early on that he had a problem, so there is some acknowledgment there. How did he stop for 3 months?

in my experience I had no clue what a compulsive gambler meant. I believed the promise ‘never again’!

the one stipulation I made to continue in my marriage was his money came to me. No salary to his account, straight to mine. It meant that I had money for the bills and loans, mortgage, kids.

what I didn’t realise was he could still get loans. This was 20 years ago, times and banks have changed. He eventually stopped when he realised I wasn’t going to ignore it anymore and went to meetings. 

I realised ignoring and paying his loans enabled him. It keeps them sick. They won’t stop if they have an enabler. Plus no secrets, family know, then he can’t go to them. 

This is not easy and definitely affects the kids. My reason for staying was my desperate need to keep the family together. Plus in the midst of addiction you don’t know what they will do. 

Look after you first, keep finances safe. Get help and support for yourself. Call gamcare and talk, find a meeting. There is always hope but you have to realise you are part of this cycle 

@anon209. Hi anon and well done with your post.

I can't really tell you if the relationship is a lost cause but I am concerned about what you are going through.

If he is controlling your money then this is considered coercive control and you need to get support and advice.  No-one should be in the situation that they have to hide money to provide for their children.

This is a very big thing that you are dealing with and I would strongly encourage you to talk to family/friend about this.

I gambled secretly from my wife but I never sought to control money she needed or restricte her.  The biggest thing that helped me get on top of the problem gambling was being honest and letting her take control of our finances.

It sounds very much as though your other half is nowhere near stopping.  Gambling can make an addict do really bad things even though they are not bad people.  However the financial control he is holding over you is absolutely not acceptable and you need to take back control.

Please talk to someone close who you feel you can trust.  There are some big red flags in his behaviour and you don't deserve this.

Dear Anon209

Thank you for posting so honestly on the Forum,

I am sorry to hear what a stressful time you are going through. As others have identified this situation sounds concerning. “He has complete control over me” and “he has so much control over my mind”. ‘Coercive control’ through financial means could be happening here and if so is a form of abuse.

Please do consider calling our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 for some more detailed 1-2-1 advice from an Adviser. We are available anytime to talk (and on webchat if you need privacy) and are non-judgmental. It is a safe space to talk through what us happening and discuss your options to protect yourself and your children even if your husband does not feel ready to stop gambling yet.

Talking to someone you trust may help you feel more supported. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is also available anytime Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

Wishing you peace,

Louise

Forum Admin

@merry-go-round thank you! I totally agree here - I need to work on why I am like this. I have called gambling-care for help but am waiting on a call back. 

bills and mortgage are always paid but it is savings or extra things and its just years of it - I deserve more. 

I control my money but he will keep asking me for just 50e and this will end or he will go to a meeting. It started out that I gave in to save my kids the arguments but now it has gone too far.

He says he wants more than anything to stop but as everyone has said he doesnt want to or he would be trying harder. 

Its a very isolating place as no one other than us know what goes on in a gambling relationship and the pain it causes. 

I also have a desperate want for my family to stay together but I also wonder if Im doing more harm staying! 

If he accepts help and puts everything in place it can work. Is it lost cause only you know if you have had enough.

I am gambling addict on 42 days gamble free ive been like this on and off for over 20 years.

It is possible to stop but are you willing to continue with this its hard work on every one around im being honest.

Ive saved up and blew the money that many times. It will never work without any help.

I have gamblock on my devices. Gamstop too and banned myself from bookies. He has to do all of this as a minimum

@spottydog thank you. I suppose I would stick around if he got help but its hard to know if he is ready - most of the posts saying he isnt which is what I fear. 

I live in hope - people in ga meetings were great at reaching out at the start but it has stopped which tells me they are seeing something I am not.

He has self excluded from probably every online site and has a gambling block on his card but wont self exclude from the shops. 

When he went 90 days he was ok with this but long term I agree it may need to be done.

thank you 

You're in a really tough spot. My advice for you would be to get him to read this thread. It will be a tough read for him as you've said some really honest things about him he may not have heard from you. As everyone else has said, he has to want this. He has to want it for himself first. You cant quit for other people, you have to quit for yourself first of all. The threat of losing his family is a big motivator, but it sounds like that has been the threat before and he is back to gambling. For most normal people the threat of losing everything would make them stop and never return, but gamblers are addicts. That's why its so important to want to quit for yourself. If he is not 100% quitting for himself, and his own personal success, it will be tough and the temptation will creep back.

You 100% cannot give him money. Tell him if you stay that if he begs you for money again, he's out. If he lies again about money, he's out. if you have to hide money from him, he's out. I lost my wife due to my addiction, but i would have never put her in a position that she had to hide money from me to feed the family. He is honestly lucky you are still there. 

I hope you find the strength to make a decision. Consider yourself before him. He's considered himself above you for your entire relationship. Look after you and your family. 

Good luck and remember there is always someone to seek help from on here.

Like others have said, this sounds really hard. I’m sorry it’s going on for you. 

I’m not even going to try and offer advice as everyone does things their own way at their own pace. But don’t feel like you have to work it out on your own - you’ve asked for help on here and may well have already accessed support from friends, family, support organisations… Don’t keep it too secret - tell trusted people. Talk to experts and trained counsellors.

Something I found really useful in a similar situation was Gamcare’s online support group for women affected by others’ gambling. It’s a really good mix of information, practical advice and thought provoking stuff. You can get referred by calling the main gamcare helpline. 

I really hope you find what works for you. Gambling addiction totally sucks, for everyone involved.