Help me help my brother

Hi ws,

I'm a former CG and have no desire to ever gamble again. I read all the sections on The Forum and try to help whenever I can. No-one else has responded yet so I have.

Both you and your parents are very loyal and must be real diamonds.

If your brother has lost 10k in one night his gambling has obviously reached nightmare proportions.

It seems to me he absolutely cannot be trusted with money like all CG's. Do you know if the money he has been lent has actually gone to pay debts ? He may well have gambled the 20k and still have those debts.

He seriously needs to put his finances in the hands of a trusted family member so he cannot get into a bigger mess. If the strongest measures are not taken (self exlusion/blocking of online gambling sites/cash depravation) I feel he will gamble again.

I reckon he's gambled the 10k and he knew full well he could come crying to you and be bailed out. It sounds harsh but I know what CG's get up to. I've been one and they can be devious. Their getting hold of cash to feed the habit is all that matters. Under no circumstances ever give him cash again to bail him out. It just fuels the gamblers needs. At some point the music has to be faced. He is a grown man with a family and not a little boy anymore that can run to parents or sister.

He has to be stopped from gambling. Apart from the hurt to his family he could end up in prison or a mental hospital as I did. I've wrecked relationships in the past as well. Believe me all this can and does happen. It can become that serious with CG's and he's been gambling bigstyle.

If his wife knows at least knows something about his gambling then he must entrust her with his finances. If not for her sake she needs to know and get control from him. If I were you I'd ask him to let you look at his credit file so you can find out exactly what financial s**t he has been in and to make sure he has paid the debts with the 20k. Tell him you need to see his credit file each month as well (so you can see if he has borrowed or tried). It may stop him attempting to borrow from the banks (credit cards/overdraft/loans etc).

You must see proof that he's attending counselling. GA meetings could help him as well.

If he is suffering from depression as CG's often do. Please advise him to discuss it with his GP.

I know my post may sound harsh but he has to be prevented from future gambling for his own sake and his family. These pages are littered with tales of families destroyed by this habit.

Sunday can be a bit quiet on here and in due course some family members may post advice for you. I can only offer a perspective from the CG aspect and I know it doesn't make pleasant reading.

Take Care Now and Best Wishes.

Hi worried sister

I am a recovering CG.

Your story rang some bells for me.... I "borrowed" money from my sister as well. I also told her not to tell anyone because I didn't want to worry anybody else. ( what an a##ole I was ). I never had any intention to pay her back, unless I actually won money with what she had given me.

Rule #1 with gamblers is to never lend them money. All this does is enables them to gamble. The sooner we face the consequences of our actions, the sooner we can tend to our recovery.

Tough love is exactly what is needed. Do not lend him money. It doesn't matter what sob story he tells you. We are very good liars when it comes to obtaining money to satisfy our gambling need.

Try and get him to a GA meeting and/or counselling.

If you want to find out more about how to deal with CGs, you could attend a Gamanon meeting. They are meetings of the partners and friends of the CG. These people know what to expect of a CG as they have experienced it firsthand. They will be able to offer a lot of support and knowledge to guide you. You could also read a few of the posts on this forum so you can gain a better understanding of what you may be facing in dealing with this addiction.

Best wishes

The advice you have been given may have been hard to read but unfortunately it is 100% spot. Im sure your bail outs are being done with the very best of intentions but they are prolonging & adding to the misery. If you want to help him get this out in the open, no more lies as those are the things that will break his relationships with his wife & children not the money lost. Try to get to the nearest GA meeting asap there he will find help support & understanding from people who have walked in his shoes. Many meetings are happy for family members to sit in for the 1st few sessions.

Best of luck

You havent done anything wrong, when your brother explained his problems and asked for help he did 100% believe he was going to sort himself out with that money and stop gambling, he was totally believeable because he himself believed it at that moment. But then the cash is in his hands and the gambler takes over. And now he has even more debt.

Dont give a gambler money.

Gamblers, in their lucid moments, feel intense shame about what they have done and will beg you to keep their gambling problems a secret. It doesnt take long before everyone that matters to them is keeping secrets from each other while the gambler lies to them about each other. This is how extended familes can be pulled apart.

Dont keep secrets for a gambler.

If the gambling is widely known and the supply of "bailing out" money dries up, the gambler starts having to face up to what he is doing. This can be a very difficult time for them and they will make it even more difficult for those around them. You have to take care of each other and make your own lives as nice as you can mange to keep your sanity. Dont bear the burden of the finances or the secrets alone, it is too much.

I know all this is easier said than done, but is a point to aim at and work towards, which is better than feeling as helpless as we do when we first realise how bad these problems are.

I have seen GA work wonders for gamblers and turn their lives around, helping them rebuild their families.

I think gam anon meetings, which are for people who's lives are affected by problem gambling, saved me from a really miserable lifestyle, on one level they helped me change how I coped with my gambler directly, but more than that, sharing my problems with people who actually understand and dont judge me has helped me be happy again. Come to a gam anon meeting if you can, talking it through is the best thing you can do. SO many parents or gamblers at our gam anon meeting these days, it may be worth mentioning to them that they can get some support too, too many think the actions of their adult children are their fault and their burden to bear.

And make you life nice, you deserve it.

Keep talking....

Hi all

I am the brother and I will succeed.

Today I have taken small steps but they are momentous to me in speaking to firstly gamcare and getting myself to face up to the consequences and counselling and more importantly to my sister. She will ensure I tackle this head on rather than being a coward and expecting it to go away or let others deal with the consequences.

Don't be to hard on her, she like most close families did what she thought was for the best at the time like my parents did in the past to.

Day 2 of a long journey for both of us.

Hi worried sister

My son is a compulsive gambler and at this moment in time we have no contact with him, living with him became unbearable he changed into some one we didnt recognise any more. It was the toughest decision we ever had to make and I still miss him dreadfully but it was very necesary for him and us.

It all started seemingly quite innocently several years ago we didnt question him about his lost wallet, being underpaid etc etc, for a long time until it became obvious what he was doing. We got the "so you dont believe your own son then "," I cant belive you're calling me a liar", the list goes on and on it caused my husband and I do doubt ourselves and felt we had been harsh with him, never wanting to believe our own child could lie or manipule us, huge mistake. As everyone here has said gamblers are the biggest liars and become excellent at manipulting us and will do what ever they need to do to get the money for their "fix". We all want to believe they are telling us the truth and I think to start off with when they borrow money they do have the intention of paying you back, but that doesnt last eventually they'll take your money but you'll never see it again.

My son was a sweet gentle lad before this started and I would never in a million years thought any of what has happened was possible and Im still very shocked by it but it can and does happen. He has now stolen from us, family and friends many times and I would never of thought it possible. Ive found that covering for him has only made matters worse, it just made him more secretive and more able to gamble. Dont keep it from your parents and his wife, eventually they will find out and its you they are going to be upset with, if he continues to gamble he wont care that you're caught up in it.

Weve tried everything to help our son and nothing has worked and now realise the only hope we have of him getting well is to be tough with him so its tough love all the way for us, he needs to want recovery and so far he doesnt. We all want to support our love one but we have had to learn some very hard lessons and I wish we had been far tougher and protected ourselves financially and emotionally all time ago. He now has thousands of pounds worth of debt and cant pay it back and it still hasnt stopped him.

You can support him but you must look after yourself first both financially and emotionally and if he genuinely wants your help, get everything out in the open from now, his finances and proof he is getting help if he says he is. If he isnt prepared to show you everything than Im sorry to say but hes lying to you.

I wish Id came to this forum a long time ago, please heed what all these wise people tell you

Best wishes

Hi this is so tough

I posted and did not see yours first. Welcome and thank for coming forward I think its very brave and honnest of you. No one judges anyone here and personally Ive found it helpful to hear from people in the same position as me and recovering gambers a like.

I do not in anyway wish to seem harsh to your sister I just wish Id had the knowledge that I do now a long time ago and I think its best to be open and honest from the out set. I hate the word but my son is a coward and tends to run away from everything, the consequences of his actions and us, Im sure we are too much of a reminder of the hurt he has caused. Facing up to your gambling is first and most important part of your recovery as far as Im concerned.

Well done and best wishes

Hi this is so tough

I write the following not to upset you, but to let you know what the advice given is based on. If you are indeed sincere and do want to give up gambling, then I would suggest that you follow the advice that has been given in the previous posts.

We were not being tough on your sister. The advice that has been given is honest and based on many years of experience. We were just pointing out that by giving money to the gambler, she is unknowingly aiding him to gamble. This is not her fault as she did not know this at the time.

I am a CG. I know what I was capable of. I know what I did. You may well be one of the very, very few who do actually pay back the money without gambling. If so, I congratulate you.

Through GA and this forum and others I have learned of the many mistakes that loved ones make when they discover that they have a problem gambler in their family. Bailing a gambler out of his problems means that he never has to deal with reality. He knows he can get money for his next gambling fix. He always has someone he can rely on. Dealing with a family member is a much different proposition than dealing with a credit provider.

You have been upfront by coming onto this forum and stating that you are sincere. I do hope you are. This is a very hard addiction to get the better of. Attack the problem as though your future depended on it because it will destroy your future if you let it.

Cherish the support that your sister is giving you. I wish both of you all the best as you tackle this problem.

Best wishes

Thank you to everyone who has commented. We have talked for over two hours today and my brother has told me so many personal things that I know he is being honest. Through what he has told me today I am realising that this is going to be a huge journey but he has taken the first steps to getting counselling this morning and I will be there either waiting outside or having some counselling myself to know how to help him. He has updated me as much as he can on his financial situation and we are going to sit down together and go through it in detail.
I really do thank you all for your advice as I think I needed to hear some tough talking. He won't get any more money from me but I will help him get the right financial advice.
I will update you as to our progress and thank goodness I found this site and so has he.

The counselling was the best thing I did. Nothing really groundbreaking of what happened in the session, just talked and began to rationalise what had been going on in my life.

Does take a while to retrain the brain.

I've been gambling for 17 years and currently approaching 5 months without a bet. Feel great. Couldn't have done it without telling my wife but I'm yet to tell my mum!

Good luck for the future, there are times when you are in the gambling abyss and you can't see a future but beleive that every day you don't gamble is a step forward and you'll get stronger.

Hi worried sister

I got quite emotional when I read your post to your brother on the other forum. It is great that you can support on him on his journey. He is very lucky to have you and I can tell he knows it too.

I am the wife of a CG and I would really advise your brother to tell his wife about this recent development. I was kept in the dark for years and stumbled across it myself. The hurt is incredibly hard. If I had been told and I could see steps were already in place it would have been so much easier to deal with. I know how awful I feel every day and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Doesn't she deserve to know? It's just my opinion but wouldn't it be better to tell her before she finds out- because she probably will at some point. I wish you and your brother all the very best.

Thank you Katiecola. A big part of our talking today was about getting everything in place so that when he feels able to tell his wife and our parents that procedures are already happening. He admitted that a big part of telling me was that he knew I would not let him just take the money and not deal with the issues.
I am married and would hate it if I thought I was being kept in the dark about something by my husband but I think with a young family he needs to go to her with the problem and how he is moving forward.
I love my nieces dearly and will always put them first.

I would have to agree with katiecola. One of the hardest thingsto come to terms with is the years of my life that, in hindsight were a complete lie, I was being made a foolof on an hourly, daily basis. Sorting out the financial plans was easy at is of little comfort to me. My struggle is with the lies and how long I was kept in the dark. For a long time i struggled to even speak to the people who kept secrets for him. Moneys money, it comes and goes, the people are what needs looking after.

Mine is a positive story though, we have got through it and most of the time we are happy, but at really difficult times, like when we have had a death in the family, I am still unable to turn to him, the resentment is quite a long way below the surface these days, but still there and still something i consciously teach myself to deal with.

I wish both you and your brother all the best and really hope he can crack this. He is so lucky that you love him enough to support him through this both financially and emotionally like.

I actually disagree with some of the posts on here with regard to helping him financially. I agree you should never give him money directly, but as a compulsive gambler myself I would never have got into half my messes if someone had stepped in to help me with debts.

Alot of the time I didn't want to gamble but bcos I had dug myself a hole and couldn't get finance to dig myself out, I felt like gambling was my only hope. Sometimes it worked but invariably in the long run of course it just took me back to gambling. If u can get him financially stable then put all the exclusion measures in place, time money location triangle he will have a much better chance of beating this.

I know we need to feel the consequences of our actions but in all honestly in the depths of our addiction we don't even care and even of we do we quickly forget.

Keep us informed on how you are are both doing. I wish you well xx