found out today my partner has gambled and lost all of his money for the third time
Been together for four years apart from a split in the summer where the gambling problems started. He admitted to me in January that he'd lost all his money, had taken out a loan and had almost lost all of that too. I let him borrow some money rather than get another loan as I'm worried his credit rating will impact us getting a mortgage. A month later and it had happened again. I lent him money again to pay his bills until he got paid. Today almost exactly a month on its happened again. Last time he seemed genuinely willing to change. I can't lend him anymore money. He thinks we're over because he can't stop himself once he's been paid. He's capable of losing £1,000 in a week. What do I do? (Internet gambling is his addiction)
Stop lending him money for a start as he will just abuse your good intentions. Encourage him to attend GA meetings there he will find the people who understand & who can offer solutions on tackling his behaviour
Dan
The closest GA meeting is 60 miles away, don't know where else to get help
Mezza
I am a recovering compulsive gambler, my advice is simple, the best thing you can do is not lend a single penny to your partner.
He will see it as another solution, you will become a go to. I did this in a progressive fashion for twenty years, loaning money to replace money gambled, it became an answer, sadly aggression became the answer to refusal.
Gambling addiction can only be addressed by the gambling addict.
Their admission is the starting point, that they gamble beyond their means.
We all when active follow the same mantra
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
Only when the gambler truly seeks help can recovery begin.
This forum, GA are both places where a wealth of help and support can be found.
If your partner commits fully to recovery then he may ask for your help.
It is proven that if we use a triangle
time-money-location in everything we do once in recovery we can take at least one eliment away at all times making the next punt impossible.
My wife took complete control of the finances, over three years have passed, the triangle still works.
You can get blocking software for your computer, I believe that it is available for free.(I ggambled in bookmaker's only)
Self exclusion is available.
These things are all practical ways to gift time to the recovering addict, time to think, time to let the rational side of the brain take control.
We are by and large not bad people, we are addicts, addiction is all consuming.
Recovery is a gift, it gifts honesty.
With honesty I am truly sorry that you have been affected by addiction.
You like many other good folk have been innocently effected by this all to often secret addiction.
I hope your partner seeks help, not for anyone except himself.
Recovery is the one selfish act that will have a profoundly positive effect on many more folk.
More so the ones he holds dear.
For you, educate yourself about gambling addiction, share that knowledge.
Together we stand strong to help the victim's of it.
I wish you well.
My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler.
Abstain and maintain
Stepping forward never back.
You've done nothing wrong, you've reacted like a normal loving partner would, but if you're partner has become a compulsive gambler, then things like lending him money are only prolonging the pain for both of you. The way you describe it, it sounds like the start of a slippery slope
If he genuinely is willing to change then he needs to source the right sort of guidance, unfortunately this is not a problem that can be wished away. Commitment to the Gamblers anonynous programme is the most effective way I know of arresting compulsive gambling (relying on willpower alone being the worst). Gam care's helpline is a good place to start if he thinks one to one counselling is more approachable.
There are blocks such as k9 which can be installed on his laptop / tablet, that will prevent him from gambling on those. Hopefully one of the recovering gamblers will give you a reply on how best to prevent the opportunity to gamble arising.
This will keep happening until he gets help, its a good sign that he acknowledges the problem, maybe he will a recpetive to suggestions that he gets help, see how it goes.
You dont get through these things unscathed as a partner, the decepetion undermines you awfully, the lack of trust can be unsettling until you get your head round it and the responsibility of looking after all the finances yourself, because realistically thats what you need to do, can be a strain. Gam anon meetings are for people who cope with compulsive gamblers and I have found them to be incredibly helpful for me, particularly when it came to working with the trust issue, like I say, you havent done anything wrong, you dont need help in that sense, but if you love a compulsive gambler and intend to spend your life with one, you're going to need some supportive friends who actually understand what it means to be with a compulsive gambler and a different approach to life that accomodates it.
Be prepared for there to be more debt than he is currently admitting.
Keep talking
Hi,
Yes he has said he wants to stop - he is at rock bottom and knows he needs help.
I think I'm going to take control of his finances, seems like the only way for now.
If he doesn't accept the help then I don't know what else to do
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