Help to get strong

Hi Merry go round,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for disclosing your story here.

It seems like you’ve been struggling to cope with your husbands gambling problem for many years, and just when you think he’s getting over it, it happens that he’s gone back to it again. That must be rather difficult for you, and I’m glad to hear you’ve gone back to gamanon for some strength to help you to cope with the situation that you find yourself in.

It’s also good that you found our forum, where you can gather more strength and support to deal with his gambling problem.

I suggest that you keep encouraging him to seek help and support for his gambling problem from us too. We’ve been able to help a lot of people in similar shoes to overcome their gambling problem with advice we offer on strategies.

There’s also counselling support available in case both of you feel you need that to cope with your present situation.

Perhaps it would be advisable to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers and find out what options are available to both of you.

For now, I will advise that you to look after yourself and your finances properly, so your husband doesn’t run you into debt as well.

I’ll encourage you to do your best to stay in touch with us for further help and support, and above all, keep posting!

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Thankyou Beatrice I just feel so alone, so stupid. I need to change my life and I feel almost paralysed. I have no confidence, can't make decisions. cant let it go and that's not good I know.

Hi

Sorry to see this. It's easy to get consumed and overwhelmed with it all but you have to look after yourself emotionally and financially first of all.

From what you've said he doesn't want to stop. You can't control whether or not he gambles but you can control how you react to it. Get your own finances where he can't touch them, don't even consider taking on any debt to bail him out, cut as much financial connection with him as you can and then think very long and hard about what you want, need, deserve and expect from a life partner. All the time he's gambling he won't be providing it.

Thanks Lethe I know everything you say is what I'm thinking. My finance is separate and I've told him if he gets more loans he'd better tell them he can't pay it back. He's self excluded himself from his online betting account and is looking on ga website and gamcare. It's just a nightmare when it comes back to bite you!

So sorry Merry go round. It's hard... we try to do all the "right" things and hope that the desired result will be an end to this. I guess sadly life just doesn't work like that. I know how frustrated, scared and angry you must be but you will find your strength again. Give yourself all the time you need... this is not your mess to clean up.

CathyX

Thanks Cathy i know I'm powerless I just wished he'd wake up, I think he's realising that I'm not going to hide this anymore. Let's see if he comes to meeting tomorrow. I just need to be proactive and get my life together. I've been stay at home mum and the thought of going back to work is daunting but that's what I need to do to safeguard myself and my kids.

Hi, MGR,

I saw your thread in debates.

I find my GamAnon meetings helpful, but it is a smaller program (in numerical terms) than AlAnon, for which I don't qualify. However, AlAnon members do seem to work the program as envisaged in the literature, there's a far greater choice of meetings (including single s*x meetings) and they seem to work on co-dependency whereas I find that in GamAnon there are few seasoned old timers to sponsor and guide and most of the support is limited to meetings. For this reason, I have tried a second fellowship, CoDA, to look at the relationship aspect and my undoubtedly dysfunctional trends.

Possibly another avenue to explore? Or therapy (but better to find someone who deals with addiction).

Look after you.

CW

Hi MGR

I hear ya. I attend Gam Anon and sometimes still feel like an outsider as most of my group is spouses. As many similarities as CG share there is still a huge difference when it is your child. I am the "mother" and like you MGR we are quite often referred to in less than glowing terms:).

I agree with CW... AlAnon seems to work a "recovery" for us a bit more rigorously whereas GamAnon seems to offer more in the way of support.

I think I get what you are saying. We (me) can end up feeling lost, frustrated and angry with no idea where we fit in this picture.

Cathyx

Hi Cathy and cw, thx for your replies. There are many parents at my gamanon meeting. I think it's brilliant that they are taking active interest and getting support. Learning how to say no etc. I just feel with my mother in law she's not taking that role. She's just ignoring me. She doesn't want to know the devastation. But regardless she doesn't offer me any support. She talks about me behind my back and I hate it. Problem is it's gone on so long there seems no way to sort it. It's just reared its head because he did his little confession. I will look at that coda cw and see if any near me. Thx to both of you x

Hi, MGR,

Your MiL is what she is, you're you and she doesn't define you. It's no good looking for support from her, she can't give it because she is stuck in her own place of denial and nothing you say or do will change her. She's simply not the sort of parent who will accept help from GamAnon. Yet. Other parents do, like Cathy, and there are parents at my meeting, at least as many as spouses if not more.

Look after you.

CW

PS: Capcha can't tell the difference between a violin and a guitar.

I guess you are just going to have to forget about "Mommie Dearest". It's her way of maintaing her power... he was my son before he was your husband. In her mind it's your husband and her vs you. I think it's easier for her to believe that this would not have happened on her watch and for your husband it is a place of comfort... mom's always make you feel better.

Addiction brings out everything wrong in all of our relationships. My husband and my arguements/fights have increased tenfold since my son's addiction.

Cathyx

Hi Cynical Wife,

It must be very difficult for you, wanting to help your partner is well and good but if he is not goingn to seriously tackle his addiction then you are fighting a losing battle. Also you deserve so much better, not only is he wasting money which he could be spending on things for both of you and your future together but it also takes up so much of his time.

As a compulsive gambler myself I look back and see how my relationships and work committments suffered as they all came a distant second to my gambling. I had it 'under control' for long spells and once i could pay the bills etc I could justify it to myself, I even felt like a king with a big win where I could treat my partner and kids to a holiday. this type of mentality only fueled the fire of my addiction.

Looking back now though the reality is I am stating to clear my debts and save towards a house, but I would have enough to buy a house outright if I had the money I gambeld over the past 20 years, so not only do I suffer, my family indirectly suffer also. I know its frustrating for his Mum to be of no help, but they too can be in denial that their son has an issue and get defensive.

You need to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner from now on. The only person that can tackle his addiction is himself, no matter how much you love and care for him. If he does really tackle it your support will be invaluable, but you cannot force him to do it. If he is not going to tackle the issue you have to be willing to leave, again not an easy option but none of this is easy or clean.

If he really wants to tackle his addciton, he first needs to acknowledge that he is powerless over his addiction, this is step one of his GA programme. I was in denial of my addiction it took me twice to reach rock bottom, but the differnce is now I am really being honest with myself and my partner. She has access to my emails, bank account and credit report (Clear score for example is free and shows up any loan or credit card your partner may have). I dont use cash anymore where at all possible only my debit card so she can see every transaction. If we are being honest and open we should have nothing to hide. If your partner is willing to do this he has got a fightning chance, but again this is entirely up to him. As a compulsive gambler he may fight this, again if he does it may be time to move on. Not what you want to hear maybe but there is no cure for this I am afraid. I take it one day at a time but in the short few months since I have really started to tackle my gambling addiction I feel like a new man and am looking forward to each day.

I wish you well

Hi joe 90 I'm not cynical wife, I'm Merry go round. We are both at GA and gamanon 'again '. He's 113 days, back to receipts, cash only, no money unless I give to him, no bank account, no credit cards. All good thanks. MIL def in denial but that's her problem, she wants a quiet life. Life is good today. Just for today. Thanks for caring!

I am sorry, getting confused between threads. Good to hear he is tackling his addiction, its not easy but if he puts in the same time and effort to his recovery as he did to his gambling he will be on the right path.

All the best