He's finally admitted it - what now?

Got cut off. Now he's stopped the denials and if not said that his name is X and he's a CG, he's admitted that he's messed up and he's sorry. He's handed over the finances but still seems very resentful.

The kids are relieved but I'm numb, I was expecting him to go and that would have been easier. Now I've got to sort out the mess, put the barriers up and after all these years of lies, mood swings and put downs, try to rebuild our marriage. And he doesn't seem sorry enough! And I can't even think about next time.

Where do I go from here? Also, how do you get the blocking software?

thanks

Its up to him to sort it out, he made this mess not you, even if the admin is all yours now, the mess is his.

What is he doing to sort himself out? GA? counselling. I think most CGs here say doing it on your own is d**n near impossible. I wouldnt launch into saving the day yourself too soon, Mr P and many other people have exploited my instincts to save everyone too often, I have had to learn to wait and see who's going to actually do something about their problems and save my support for them, the ones who just keep repeating the same idiotic mistakes and then holding out the begging bowl every time they're in a mess... I had to learn to toughen up, they were runnning me into the ground.

I dont know where exactly your path goes from here, but you have come to a good place to talk, so keep talking, its the best thing you can do

Like Pangolin says its a good first step but gambling can be a very destructive addiction. No different from being an alcoholic or a drug addict. He has to want to accept the help and start changing for the better. So counselling / GA? Could help you to get some counselling as well

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

I have been assessed and am waiting for counselling. He thinks that next week will do for GA, not unreasonable surely, it's not as if he's going to leave it for a month or so? Am not convinced!

Am ploughing through bank statements and relating periods of extreme moodiness to periods of gambling, at the time, I thought it was me and I kept trying to placate him.

He still doesn't see the damage he's done or how much has gone.

this is the only time where i think going over the past can help, when you can tie up the times you thought you were losing your mind with the times they were obviously gambling, it helps you realise that you are the only sane person in this relationship, actually your judgement was always best and your worst sin is to ahve spent a period of your life trying to keep the peace rather then fight.

other than that i would say the past is the past, its gone and done, you start again today, doing the things that restore your self respect, putting your happiness first. with some time at GA gamblers do come to realise the damage they have done, but that doesnt make it any easier waiting for that time to arrive. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time and priorituse yourself, be kind to yourself, let go of worrying about him for now.

Thank you Pangolin. How are things for you?

Things are good for me at the moment, lots of happiness and laughing, financially stable, still have the odd hissy fit when I think something smells like gambling, but Mr P knows to reassure at moments like that and I let go of the worry very quickly, I open any post I want to, all his wages come to me, he's a lovely man to be with, I don't have any reason to worry right now, but I am only human.

I do look back at the time when Mr P was at his worst, a couple of weeks before he went to GA, they were the longest weeks of my life (apart from the last two weeks of a pregnancy, but that's different, that's happy stuff) When I first went to gamanon I was a helpless tearful wreck, Mr P went from unbearable to adorably gentle and remorseful within a couple of weeks but it took me some months to let him be kind to me and for me to have any belief that is recovery was more than just another lie. I really feel for anyone who is at the beginning of that journey, with all the uncertainty about what their gambler will do, with all our self confidence lost in the years of us being blamed for problems that weren't our fault at all. In hindsight it's a brief period of intense change, but it s awful to go through at the time and you can't see the end of it. so thankyou for asking, yep, I'm happy, I learned to be a bit selfish and its done me good, Mr P has had time to change and I like him more than the old one.

I'm glad that things are good for you. You've given me a glimmer of hope in a very dark tunnel. In my case, the man I married was wonderful but the addiction has turned him into a corrupt monster, I just want my husband back.

Enough whinging, onwards and upwards with persuading him that one bank card to an account that I manage is enough, he doesn't need to access any more accounts.

Thanks, Pangolin

Hello, Half Life and thanks for your post.

I stayed off work today, my performance is suffering. My eldest and I have dedicated our whole day to sorting out barriers, struggling to install the software and looking for holes in potential schemes for me managing his finances. He went to work for a rest! So much for him dealing with the mess. However, when we looked at the horror of his statements, my eldest insisted that I insisted on GA today. And he agreed. As far as I know, that's where he is now.

Must count blessings. Thanks again for all the posts, they really help.

Hi, HL,

No, he is presently cooperating without having told me that he wants to stop. He did say it was a relief for him, presumably he meant to have told us rather than to have gambled. And I presume that he did go to GA but straight from work so I've no way of knowing.

Will have to stop doing all the work but he became v lazy and selfish during the addiction and I got used to doing it, also at least when I do it it gets done. Will have to change my thinking.

Thanks for posting.

so pleased to hear you have your eldest onside, you need the people around you to understand what you are going through, my eldest kids have been brilliant too

My eldest has been great. Himself came home from GA, said it has been good and expressed intention to go twice a week. However he was less keen on handing over his main bank card, negotiated an allowance for him but the process incurred allegations of my inability to listen to him, conversation is two way. I think we've just forgotten how to talk normally.

Onwards, upwards and good night

Morning,

Well, he went to GA and he handed over his card, which are good but since the latter has been v surly and resentful, which is bad. He barely said a word to me this morning and left for work without saying goodbye. However, he did sign a postal application for his credit report which I shoved under his nose and he was ok with kids.

Suspect that we are interfering with the next big win but it's still early days.

Best,

CW

Hi
CW

Quite an unusual reaction to GA. Most people come out of there first meeting enthused and full of hope. Did you talk about how it went? What they talked about? What suggestions were given to him? Did you read the literature he would have been given together?

Dan