How can I help

Hi Kate bb,

It must be very difficult for you to be hearing him admitting this and seeing him go through this. But I think him admitting to gambling and it being a problem is a good step.

Speaking from experience as the partner of an addict, I would say that the secrets are toxic and would urge you to be honest with his wife, regardless of what he wants. Yes, this may feel like you are betraying his trust, but what about him betraying hers?... Secrets and lies help to keep the addiction going, so this is very important in my view. I know you did say about all sitting down to discuss it, so that sounds positive. But I think it's very important to remember this in the future.

It sounds like you really care and are there to support him, which is obviously going to be a great thing for him. But in terms of him seeking support from places such as GA and here, I think all you can do is offer him support to find help. Obviously there's that old saying: you can lead a horse to water etc. and as much as you will want to do all you can to get him help, it really is up to him.

I hope you have somebody you can lean on - it can be really emotionally draining and stressful to be supporting a gambling addict.

Sending you love and strength.

Hi kate bb

I too am the mom of a compulsive gambling son (27 years old). I know now that you have found out you naturally want to help but I think because he is married you will need to take a step back. If there is to be a true long term recovery all the action must come from your son.

The problem with us mom's (myself included) is when the admission of a gambling addiction comes to light (usually when they have run out of money and are desperate) we go into hover/help mode. We think that this is our problem to fix but it is not. If they can figure out how to lie and deceive to spend 20,000 gambling they can certainly figure out what it is they need to do to get themselves well i.e. GA, Gamcare etc. The problem is that we who love them find it exceedingly difficult to sit back ... we do all the legwork for them which inevitably ends up backfiring on us.

Both you and your daughter-in-law would benfit greatly from Gam Anon. A place you can find support, advice and strength from people in the same situation.

This is not a quick fix... it will require strength from all involved especailly his wife.

Take Care and best wishes... I know how much this hurts us mommas!

Cathyx

Hi Kate

I'm sorry to see this. Having this sort of bombshell drop out of the blue is rubbish. First thing to say is I echo the advice above. It's his problem to fix and he should be doing the running around getting debt advice, self excluding (with someone sitting with him to make sure it happens) and finding out about GA and counselling (Gamcare offer a free service). The question will be whether he really wants to change. Reading between the lines it sounds as though the admission didn't come from him, more that he realised he had no more lies to fall back on so had no option but to come clean? That isn't necessarily a good sign but the positive upshot is that everyone now knows which will make it much harder for him to gamble unobserved. Make sure anyone else he might turn to for funds is in the picture too.

The starting point for the rest of you is to protect your own finances and make it clear to him there won't be any more bailouts. Put yourselves first because an active CG won't.

Thank you for all your comments and advice. It is a great source of support for me. The three of us sat down last night and he was (i hope) very honest with us. He admitted to some other debts and a credit card we didnt know of (which is now cut up). He suggested giving him an alliwenve of £25 a week for lunch and sundries and handing over contriol of the finances to his wife, which i will help her with. I told him that i would keep this in the forefront and remind him about it often. He said "i dont blame you. You have a right to do that" I have transfered enough money into their account to pay off the pay day loans and to cover bills for the month. He gets paid weekly (and earns s good salery) so they will hopefully get back on track. I have also told him I want the money he owes me back. The whole evening was very emotional. He is ashamed and embaressed but i told him that was his cross to bare. His wife is still very angry - and rightly so. They have a 5 year old and another due in a few months. Hopefully his family will be the strength he needs.

kate bb wrote:

Thank you for all your comments and advice. It is a great source of support for me. The three of us sat down last night and he was (i hope) very honest with us. He admitted to some other debts and a credit card we didnt know of (which is now cut up). He suggested giving him an alliwenve of £25 a week for lunch and sundries and handing over contriol of the finances to his wife, which i will help her with. I told him that i would keep this in the forefront and remind him about it often. He said "i dont blame you. You have a right to do that" I have transfered enough money into their account to pay off the pay day loans and to cover bills for the month. He gets paid weekly (and earns s good salery) so they will hopefully get back on track. I have also told him I want the money he owes me back. The whole evening was very emotional. He is ashamed and embaressed but i told him that was his cross to bare. His wife is still very angry - and rightly so. They have a 5 year old and another due in a few months. Hopefully his family will be the strength he needs.