My partner had been complaining how unorganised our spare rooms had become so I started to sort them out whilst he was out for the evening. This was the moment I discovered loan letters totalling to around £16,000 that I was unaware of. Also a bank statement showing 1 loan of £2000 and the money all being drawn into a gambling site.
I'm in pieces because we have a mortgage together and have done for the past year. I don't know how to confront him because gambling aside he is a very sensible person. He holds a responsible job for the government and cares for me very well. I feel like I will be accused of snooping and the spotlight will immediately be turned on me. I'm aware of a couple of small loans which he has always told me we're towards 'us moving onto the next step' hinting at a proposal or something so I've never questionned his actions. But now I have seen a statement showing loan money being drawn into a gambling site straight away and a loan of £10,000 within the last month, I'm seriously concerned. I just need help on confronting the situation as I have nobody else to talk too...
Hi
Sorry to see this. It's rubbish when this is dumped on us out of the blue. Unfortunately as the rational one in this despite the fact you're reeling there are things you need to do straight away to protect your own interests.
Making an accidental discovery isn't snooping. Don't let him manipulate you into believing it is. Bear in mind a gambler who isn't found out or ready to stop of their own accord will carry on digging the hole. You have every right to the full picture which means him allowing you access to his credit reports with all three agencies and then handing over full financial control to you. If he's not ready to give up gambling you are very likely to meet with anger, resistance and manipulation. Don't be drawn and keep the focus on what you want.
Protect your finances, don't bail him out or take out loans on his behalf and look for RL support from friends, family and groups such as Gamanon. He may well not want others to know but he lost the right to call the shots the instant he took out the first line of credit behind your back. Don't trust a word he says without seeing proof for yourself and put yourself first every time. All the time he's gambling you're the only one who will.
Thank you Lethe for your reassurance. It's really what I need to hear at the moment in order to keep strong. Luckily there has never been any impact on our joint accounts or responsibilities but I'm also aware this could change should the problems continue.
Hi,
A few years ago I stumbled across my husband's betting in similar circumstances. But I made the wrong choice at the time because it seemed easier and I would warn you against similar.
At this stage, you would be best advised to do everything that you can to help yourself. Call the helpline, get counselling, go to GamAnon meetings, enlist family support (which incidentally dries up a possible present or future source of gambling funds). Educate yourself about addiction so that you know what behavior to expect. Separate your finances as far as possible, open an account in your name for household finances and expect his fair contribution to it, get credit reports in your name and his to check that there's nothing worse than what you know. His debt is his, not yours, he caused it and your paying it for him or supporting him by freeing up his income for gambling or debt - these enable the gambling and are best avoided. You may wish to take legal advice.
Doing all of these things will demonstrate that there is a problem and make the denial more difficult. But they take a lot of strength, especially in the face of his resistance and you are of necessity going to rock the boat. So the starting point is to get accurate information and targeted support for yourself.
I buried my head in the sand first time round. I accepted his denial that the spread betting was "just investing", he said he'd stop if I insisted and I let myself believe it, even though his financial secrecy continued, I backed off in the face of his anger over my "snooping" and "interference", I didn't go to GamAnon because he told me I didn't need to and I let myself believe it, I paid off some of the debt, I accepted the blame projected onto me, I walked on eggshells and tolerated mood swings, remoteness, didn't dare ask him for anything. I thought that I was holding the family together but I was enabling the continuing gambling and allowing the emotional abuse, at the expense of all concerned. This time round, necessary measures are being taken by both of us. And nearly two years gf, there's along way to go.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Keep the focus on what you can do to help you.
Take care,
CW
This seems like a good thread to message to. I have known from six months into our 4 year relationship that my OH had a gambling problem. He has said he knows how to manage it. In that time he has had a few lapses, causing loss off a couple of hundred pounds. He has asked me to look after his money but then asks for it back for various reasons - and if challenged about it he becomes moody and horrible.
I have now found he has continued. He has won recently and believes it is ok because
It is causing me serious anxiety and I cannot continue. I have called the helpline and I am awaiting a locl counselling session. How do I stay strong??
Hello sunshine9
Welcome to the forum finding out that a loved one has a gambling problem can come as a shock and can put a strain on relationships I am sorry to hear that you are ‘in pieces’. There is some great advice from other forum members here. It is important to limit the financial impact your partners gambling has on you and to protect yourself financially. When someone has a gambling problem it can help to encourage the person to call us so they can get some help and support with their gambling problem and it can be helpful to them to let them know how the gambling is affecting you. It can help to bring things out into the open so you can both get the support you need. Please see here for some guidelines for partners, friends and family. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
It may help to get some support for yourself with the Gamcare helpline where you can talk with advisers they will listen to your concerns and perhaps it can be somewhere to talk things through. The helpline is open 8am –midnight every day.
The helpline contact number is Freephone 0808 8020 133 there is also net line where you can talk with an adviser .
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
Keep posting we are here to support you
Take care
Forum admin
I confronted my partner about what I found last Sunday. His first words were 'is it worth talking about or is that it? (do you want to leave me?). I guess he knew how serious this was. I believe in 'for richer for poorer' despite the lies and want to help him. We froze all betting accounts, came up with a plan to pay the £10k loan off and vouched to never hide anything from me again. But now I'm struggling with the fact that I have to put my life on hold until he has caught up with his mistakes. I'm only 23 and I can't bear to think I'm wasting my younger years for somebody that couldnt tell me the truth. Especially if he relapses and it was all for nothing 🙁 debating whether to seek professional advice..
Olivialou, my partner used to bet in the hundreds and I always allowed this thinking it was his spare money to play with (even though I'd rather spend my spare money on shoes etc I always thought each to their own). But since I discovered this wasn't spare money but borrowed money, I wish I had of stopped him and become stricter sooner. I also now realise that a gambler will say anything to keep us quiet - I was tricked into thinking he got a loan towards a potential engagement one day but a year later this hasn't happened and I know that was an emotional blackmail of keeping quiet and getting of his case. I guess I'm just saying it's best to end the gambling as soon as you can - if he's serious he'll respect your feelings towards it and understand. I'm hoping my partner will do the same but I have so much doubt that he could lie to me again. It's so difficult.
It also doesn't help that my partners gambling is down to horse racing - a sport loved by his whole family to the point that his grandad once owned racehorses. I'm not only taking an addiction away but a genuine hobby and something loved by all of his family and friends 🙁
sunshine9 wrote:
I confronted my partner about what I found last Sunday. His first words were 'is it worth talking about or is that it? (do you want to leave me?). I guess he knew how serious this was. I believe in 'for richer for poorer' despite the lies and want to help him. We froze all betting accounts, came up with a plan to pay the £10k loan off and vouched to never hide anything from me again. But now I'm struggling with the fact that I have to put my life on hold until he has caught up with his mistakes. I'm only 23 and I can't bear to think I'm wasting my younger years for somebody that couldnt tell me the truth. Especially if he relapses and it was all for nothing 🙁 debating whether to seek professional advice..
Olivialou, my partner used to bet in the hundreds and I always allowed this thinking it was his spare money to play with (even though I'd rather spend my spare money on shoes etc I always thought each to their own). But since I discovered this wasn't spare money but borrowed money, I wish I had of stopped him and become stricter sooner. I also now realise that a gambler will say anything to keep us quiet - I was tricked into thinking he got a loan towards a potential engagement one day but a year later this hasn't happened and I know that was an emotional blackmail of keeping quiet and getting of his case. I guess I'm just saying it's best to end the gambling as soon as you can - if he's serious he'll respect your feelings towards it and understand. I'm hoping my partner will do the same but I have so much doubt that he could lie to me again. It's so difficult.
Chances are that he will relapse. If the addiction has taken hold, then it's very difficult to shake off. There could be 101 'triggers' for a relapse - especially as gambling is in his family culture. The only way you can safely progress is by making him wear a gambling 'chastity belt'. Read through Cynical Wife's posts to see how that's done! Effective, but stressful for all parties. I couldn't cope with that control....yet I still relapse...fairly often!!
sunshine9 wrote:
It also doesn't help that my partners gambling is down to horse racing - a sport loved by his whole family to the point that his grandad once owned racehorses. I'm not only taking an addiction away but a genuine hobby and something loved by all of his family and friends 🙁
That would really be a challenge since it is a hobby that has been passed down through his family. But it would be best if you talk to him about balancing his love for horse racing and your relationship. Give him space to do it, but not so much as to let it affect your finances as well. Meet halfway. But if it's possible for him to give it all up, the better. I hope that you would be able to settle this with a positive outcome.
I do understand where you are coming from Sunshine but hobbies don't destroy relationships, addiction does. I started my torrid affair with the gambling monster @ the local fruit machine shop & bingo hall, spending time with a beloved Aunty but then I crossed the line into compulsive & then there's no going back. I would still go as far as saying I loved to gamble & I can even say, I'm grateful it bought me to the place I am in now but I cannot say I enjoyed the pain it has bought me over the years .
The measures you have noted are not enough, he cannot just stop gambling so I urge you, please re-read the advice from Lethe & CW & get yourself some additional help. Ultimatums from partners don't fix our warped minds & you feeling guilty about giving them helps no-one. You can stick around & help but you do need to put yourself first - ODAAT
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
