Hi guys,
I came across you via Google... I really hope you can help. How do I approach my husband, when he's lying outright?
Context: My husband started working in a betting shop late last year. Though he's not allowed to actually bet within his company, shortly after starting he started getting interested in the odds and such, and started putting on a bet here and there...
By January I was concerned as he was joining lots of different sites offering the "deposit this and get a bonus" promos. I sat him down, let him know my concerns and he seemed to take it on board. The next month, he'd progressed to betting small amounts regularly, and though he was "winning it back" I really wasn't happy with how much of a risk he was taking with our money. Made it pretty clear, and we sat down and agreed that he could play on free games, but could spend no more than his 'allowance' each month (we each have a VERY small pocket of money within very tight budgets that we can spend on ourselves without going over-budget). This was going well or so I thought.
He'd been using his small amount of paid bets on b****5 on his ipad, and didn't seem to be doing much else apart from going on a free game.
Jump forward to now. I've had an inkling for a while that all was not well, but left him to it as he's just changed roles in the company and thought it might be to do with that. Noticed in the browser history on the computer several different betting site names. Clicked through to a couple and in the past month he's spent so much. He's won a bit back but nowhere near what's spent. Which has destroyed our finances but that aside... I asked him outright last night if he'd been on any new betting sites recently. He looked me in the eye and said no. I said I'd noticed several links within the browser history while I was looking for a series I'm watching. He maintained that they were free sites only and he'd not put any money on them. I left it as I don't even know whether its wise to confront him on it, or how to approach this.
Part of me just wants to change the passwords on everything (he uses the same one on everything and I know it), but I know that will just made the situation explode in my face.
This isn't how our relationship works.
What do I do?
Ever hopeful,
Sam x
Sorry just to add, apologies for putting the site name, its starred out I just didn't think xx
Hi ilububbles, you are powerless, you can't stop him. But you can put online blockers onto your gadgets, you can change passwords. What will he do? Keep your finances safe, no joint accounts. Call gamcare. Go onto the live chat and ask the cgs what to do. Get help for you. Good luck!
Sorry for the silly question - cgs?
I need to sit down and redo finances.. half of our bills leave his account and half leave mine; I can't leave the ones leaving his account to chance, so I guess first of all I need to get him to agree to swapping those over... somehow when he's adamant on telling me nothing is happening. :/
Hi cgs is compulsive gamblers. There's is live chat in the evening.
Hi, for this too stop before you and your husband loose everything you have, he has to own up and take responsibilty, otherwise honestly he will keep lying and loose everything, he clearly has a problem if he has to hide it from you, i think you and him need to sit down really tell him the reality of what might happen and if he dont listen or agree ask him to come on this website and see what others have been through, it can get so worst, unfortanatly most of us are so niaive about it we only realise when its too late
We've sat down this evening and though he still wont admit anything is amiss, ive managed to get him to agree to essentially having bill money and nothing else in his account. The big D/Ds are due out tomorrow then no more for a week, so im hoping we can work something out by then. Im hopeful yet that he will keep his word... If not im just going to have to look after everything for a while.
Hi samst don't take his word for anything, check and get him to show you his account. If he has nothing to hide he will do it. you have every right to see if bills are being paid, it will put your mind at rest. Good luck!
Compulsive gamblers who are active will gamble bill money and there are stories on the forum. If they're your bills, you would be safer to pay them directly.
CW
Hi all... Didn't come back for a while as I thought we'd found a happy medium. Apparently not. As we'd gotten through September with minimal issues, I sat down and did finances with him for October. He asked if we could start repaying overdrafts this month so we put some funds into each overdrafted account. I logged into his paypal last night and found that he's spent £80 of it in two days. I just feel betrayed. It's so hard not to just shout at him over this.
I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it so I'm just venting here I guess... Last night I locked him out of every account I can find associated with his email address. And his paypal so he cant use it elsewhere. I'm generally still hopelessly optimistic, but today I don't see it~
Hi,
I’m not unsympathetic but in this situation it’s actions not words that changes things. Your actions, not his. Because you control your actions but you can’t control his.
What you’re doing isn’t working. You can do more of the same, tolerate the intolerable and vent on this forum or you can learn to change your responses and thereby to help yourself. I would advise GamAnon as a starting point. Go to regular meetings, regardless of what he does because by going you’re making a statement about your situation. Keep the focus on you.
Blocks are fine but only if he cooperates with them. Otherwise you’re wasting your time. Lock down your finances, don’t give him your money to use. Again, keep the focus on protecting you and not on trying in vain to make him stop.
CW
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