My brother has been a gambler for 20+ years. In that time he has managed to manipulate thousands out of my mum. His sure fire way of getting money has always been to convince her there is a threat he will be in trouble if she doesn't help - ie bailiff at the door, police, fraud etc.
Throughout the years we have never turned our back on him. Me, my mum and sister have all had a try at managing his wages. My mum most recently. He always manages to find whatever loophole. He has a daughter who lives with him which complicates things as we can't just let him hit rock bottom.
Over the last few years he has managed to steal huge amounts from our nan. In his mind not stealing as he always has grand plans to put it back. Recently she has inherited a large sum of money and he's managed to 'accidentally' get this paid into his account. She was already gifting him 10k to help him pay off debts. Most of this has gone astray straight away instead of him giving to my mum like was agreed. There's always an elaborated complex story which is hard to follow but ultimately is lies. He's attending specialist counselling in London. He's been on antidepressants. He has a good family but nothing stops him and no amount of money is ever enough. He always wants to fast track his way out of debts.
My question is. I know all the things you shouldn't do - belittle, attack and judge etc, if you are to support. But how can we possibly be the supportive family when he's stealing huge amounts??!! We can't just say oh dear as we need to find that money then to replace, get a loan etc. Personally I'm starting to feel like I'd like him to get caught and finally have a consequence and go to prison but we end up protecting my mum who is close to a nervous breakdown and would never see him in prison.
Thanks so much for your response and I agree with it all and have shown it to my mum. My sister and I hit a constant brick wall with our parents over our nan. She doesn't know what he's done and my mum and dad hide it from her.
Our mission I guess is to get them to sit my nan down and be absolutely clear with her. Or i sit with my brother while he does it. So I know it's happened.
I am the mom of a compulsive gambler. There is no easy way out of this for either party... your brother or your family. In the end your brother has to hurt and feel the consequences and in turn this will hurt the rest of you. He is an addict and simply put he will keep doing what's working for him. I know it doesn't make any sense to those watching but such is this addiction.
Coming clean with your family will help. The more everybody is on the same page the less easy it is for the gambler to manipulate. Perhaps you could find a support group such as Gam Anon. It helps with setting boundaries and the frustrations and anger that a family member has when they are part of a compulsive gambler's life.
Cathyx
Hi SoA, welcome to the forum 🙂
Slightly different perspective from me in that both my mother & I are compulsive gamblers! I have just been able to hide my addiction a lot better & suffice to say, although I have only ever manipulated money from my Nan, I consider this money I have stolen. My mum 'borrows' relentlessly from her, promising faithfully to give it back but bar the odd fiver despite my Nan insisting to me "I WILL get it' it never materialises. She was cut out of the inheritance chain when my Nan's sister died & my Nan paid solicitors to enable me to have the payout as she didn't want my mum getting her hands on it. It wasn't straightforward because of gifting rules so if this has gone to your brother without the right measures, there could be additional tax due down the line. To my eternal shame, I have little or nothing to show for that money but another recent death & my retired mum burning through £75k in about as many weeks with nothing but a few home improvements (my flat) to show for it is proof indeed that an active gambler will lose every penny they can get their hands on! Thankfully, I finally accepted I had a problem & accepted help & although I still have a lot of work to do on me, I can trust myself with money again. I have 'protected' my mother repeatedly over the years only now I realise, the only person I was protecting was me. She has never had to take responsibility for her actions because neither my Nan nor my Mum can see her homeless or in prison, she's nearly 70! Sadly, you can't fix your brother but to give him a fighting chance he's going to need some tough love.
Can you all get to a GamAnon meeting? There will be other people there who have walked in your shoes & can offer real life practical support & suggestions as to how to move forwards. Be strong - ODAAT
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