Husband is a gambler

Morning,

You'll see from the forum that you're not alone but it certainly feels it. You do have a decision that only you can make but better if it's an informed one made from a position of strength. For that reason, get as much information and support as you can. Read round the forum, both sides, there are some good books available from that on line River of retailers, try something published by Hazelden. It's really important to know what to expect, to recognise when you're being manipulated and to know the suggested responses.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Your decision is about what you tolerate, he decides whether to gamble or to really do what it takes to go into recovery and stay there, actions speak louder than words. You can't rely on him, it's unwise to trust him in financial terms and it may well be that the behaviour that goes with active addiction makes him unreliable generally. So there's no need to feel obliged to trust him, the standard advice is to put yourself and your children first and to do what you need to for your protection and theirs.

Finally, get real life support. I find GamAnon helpful; a room of people affected by someone else's gambling who get it. We've all controlled and bailed out and paid and covered up, we work on learning not to and we support each other. Worth the babysitter and travel time. Tell your midwife and a human being you can trust, the helpline here is a phone call away and offers counselling.

Look after yourself.

CW

Hi Lou767, yes I am in the exact same position as you! The only difference is my OH won't admit he has a problem, he just can't see it and I am an attention seeker and a drama queen but simply I am at my wits end! I almost envy the fact that your husband has finally admitted he has a problem and is seeking help, unfortunately mine said something similar last year although I think it was to shut me up, you see I agreed to be a guarantor on a loan for him but the deal was he went to counselling, he was offered 12 free sessions through Krysalis (recommended by gamcare) he attended 3 and declared he didn't need anymore help as he could do it on his own! 2 months later yet another credit card arrived and we were back to square one. I like you have bailed him out numerous times! I understand exactly how you feel, I have never cried so much in all my life, but it seems to have no effect on him, I'm sure he feels more sorry for lost bets than he does me! I'm at the point like you where I don't know what to do and feel like I just can't give any more, I'm literally exhausted!

We have a beautiful son together so that is what I focus on, making sure he doesn't turn out like his dad!

I hope this helps, think positive and most of you and your kids first

Bev x

Thank you both for responding, he has never admitted before he needs help professionally always said he can control it so I feel like it's a step in the right direction but I'm just not sure if mentally I can do the long uphill battle. He has asked if I will attend councilling sessions with him as he feels it will be beneficial for both of us to get everything out in the open. I don't disagree with this.

Part of me is relieved we have reached this position and I must admit although I don't trust him financially he has always made sure all the bills are paid and everything is covered hence the pay day loans.

I always put our kids first that is what makes the decision so hard as its a big deal to decide how to move forward, I think I will attend the session, do some research and as CW said make an informed decision, I guess if he is serious and has got to breaking point we may be able to move forward but if after 2/3 sessions he says no more are required I would have my answer.

I really appreciate people replying as its not something you actually want to discuss with anyone as as much as I am aware this is not my fault or my addiction people cannot help but judge and that is very difficult. I don't want to cover up anything I just want people feeling sorry for me etc

Hi again

You're definitely right - once kids enter the equation it's a whole new ball game, its not that easy to up and leave, because if you're like me your options are leave or stay!

My OH never mentioned professional help it was me that pushed for it which just emphasises the fact that until the gambler is prepared to admit they have a problem, you're going nowhere! Although last night he made a halfhearted suggestion of relationship counselling whilst still insisting he doesn't have s gambling problem and he should be allowed to bet on the football etc and take me for an evening at the races (seriously)

Like yours my OH pays all of his bills but in the past has also been a big user of payday loans and maxing out on his credit cards, however up until very recently I was paying for more than my fair share of household bills, but if I complain his answer is to get a full time job! Gamblers are master manipulators and I try to think a bit like him, I won't be a step ahead of him but I'm also not a step behind either!

I often wonder if there is an underlying cause for his gambling problem, I know it's not me, I played no part In it, he does tell me it started when he was a child and his grandma would give him money and he discovered slot machines, but I wonder if there is some degree of depression too as I see peaks and troughs in his behaviour too, all connected to the gambling, his drug!

I must admit I already feel different by coming on here, also very sad for some peoples stories, sad because they remind me of me and what feels like a never ending battle!

Bev

Hi,

He has never had access to "our" money as I've know from the off and he openly admits he cannot be trusted with large sums of money. We put measures in place a long time ago. I know things can change but in that respect he has always been the same.

He contacted a counlcelor today part of (gamcare) and they have in turn contacted me so we are both in this week for separate sessions to hopefully join one another after a few sessions.

I am hopeful as these are his actions I've never asked him to get help because I believe it needs to come from him not me pushing. I have said to him I won't make any promises we can just both try to move forward from here and take it as it comes and see how we feel. I don't make snap decisions and want to make sure what ever I do is right for me and for my son and newborn.

I appreciate the support and agree they can be selfish a*******s who need everything to be about them. I guess it's the nature of addiction. I think it would benefit me to get help and deal with how it affects our lives etc.