Hi, I'm new here and need some advice..
I've been with my partner (26 years old) for 18 months but have known him for much longer. I knew he liked a bet before we got together but only realised the extent several months into our relationship.
I found out he was thousands of pounds in debt to payday loan companies and had also borrowed money from his parents. He also owes me around £6,000 for money I lent him to pay bills etc when he had spent all of his.
As soon as I found out about his debt we set up an account with StepChange to pay off his loans and so far he is keeping up to date with his payments.
Around 6 month ago he asked me to take control of his accounts and manage his finances, which I thought was working/helping.
However, I have recently found out he has been gambling again with money he got off a friend, the same friend was putting the bets on for him. As far as I know he is only £80 down, which is a drop in the ocean compared to before.
After I found out, he told me that he isn't happy with our arrangement and clearly feels resentful that I "control" his money and has asked for it back. He has also said he wants to gamble again and feels it wouldn't be so much of a problem if he can be open and honest with me about what he is doing and promises he'll pay all of his bills and only use "spare" money to feed his vice.
He says having to do it in secret is what makes the gambling a problem because he feels guilty and had to chase his losses to stop me from finding out.
I don't know what to do for the best. He works hard and as long as he pays his bills shouldn't he be able to spend the rest on whatever he wants..even if it's gambling?
Is it possible for someone who's had a problem before and got into so much debt to turn into a "responsible gambler" or is he just convincing himself and me in the process?
I really don't know what to do and need to know what people who have been through this before think.
Can I help him or should I give up?
Hi, welcome to the site 🙂
I'm a compulsive gambler (CG) in recovery & have read an awful lot of posts but aside from a few people early on in their recovery still doing the lottery, I'm yet to come across anyone that becomes responsible again. I tried to hoodwink my partner like this early on in my recovery (suggesting I be allowed a gambling kitty) & he stood firm with me saying he didn't agree, thank goodness! I'm sorry but he's not ready @ the moment & living with an active CG is a nightmare because we are sneaky & manipulative 🙁 This is a progressive, not regressive, disease & my mum who is also a CG has asked several times that I take control of her finances & then days later she takes them right back whether I agree to it or not. If you stay, you need full access to his finances including credit reports & I would keep a close eye on your own too, just in case!
I imagine some of the friends & family will be along soon to give you better advice but to my mind, you can support him but you can't make him stop & it's up to you to decide what you can handle! My absolute best piece of advice is that whatever you decide, look after your finances & more importantly, look after you - ODAAT
P.s: You can always use the helpline too, or maybe a Gamanon meeting if you do want to give him another chance
Hi, Mary,
Sorry to hear it but the harsh reality? He's gambling again and until or unless he chooses to stop, there's nothing you can do about it.
CGs are v manipulative and he is trying to have you believe that he can gamble responsibly and that you are being unreasonable for objecting and for wanting to retain financial control. He is also trying to blame you for his lies and secrecy. It's not you, it's him. You don't need anyone to tell you the potential for damage. But unchecked, it can only get worse.
He chooses whether or not to gamble but you also have some, harder, choices. You should assume that whatever you give him will be gambled. He won't contribute fairly to the household because he won't be able to, all his money will be gone. Even if you just pay for essentials, indirectly you free up his money for gambling - I did this, not recommended. And why are his wages his money to do what he wants with? What about joint or family money? What about you? What about the lies, the addict behaviour, the increasing time that he spends away from you, devoted to doing something harmful? In short, what are you prepared to tolerate?
As ever, the starting point is to get help, information and support for yourself, from GC or GamAnon, a trusted friend or relative, whatever works. And I recommend reading the forum - don't end up in my position.
BW,
CW
Hi our Mary - I have recently found out my son is a cg, he is 25 year old and started gambling small amounts 3 years ago which has progressed to £300 a week some weeks. Like your partner he works hard at his job. Reading your thread I could be reading about my own son the story is quite similar. I have asked exactly the same question as you this morning on my thread about responsible gambling and if it can work. We want to believe it can, we are looking for all possibilities that could work. Can I ask does your partners parents know about his gambling or any friends know. I'm asking this as I'm wondering if my son gets a serious partner do I tell her? What would you have done if someone had told you? - you sound like a responsible caring lass, I would probably want to try and help him overcome this but if he continues gamble not face up to his problem you need to think if you want this kind of relationship, I don't want my son to have this addiction and I can't wait walk away from him as he is my son, I know I certainly would not want my own daughter to be in a relationship with a cg. Take care - wcid
Hi WCID,
His parents do know and when things came to a head months ago we all sat down together and he told his parents I was taking control of his money and he was paying all his debts off.
My advise if he gets in a relationship is to encourage him to be honest with her. I know from experience it might backfire if he thought people were "going behind his back".
I really hope you can encourage him to talk about how bad things have got. I always tell my partner the one person he should be honest with is his mum because she's the one who can't and won't walk away from him. I think he understands this and even if your son gets defensive and seems to be in denial I'm sure in his own head he knows you only have his best interests at heart. My only practical advise is don't give him money and don't bail him out. Be there for him but he has to learn the hard way..
Thankyou our Mary, it's hard to take a step away when I can see him seemingly destroying the life he could have, I know it's an addiction which is hard to overcome. Sounds like your boyfriend has a good support group with you and his family. I agree I'm not going to be giving him money, I've also told him this as well. I'm here for him when the time is right for him (hopefully soon) I hope things can work out with your partner. We all make mistakes in life but it's the sorting them out that makes all the difference. Take cake x
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