I need some support please

Posted by: Worthy

About a month ago, my husband admitted to me (because I asked him) that he has a gambling addiction which has been going on for the past 3 years (although I strongly suspect he has always been a gambler). We have a 4 year old daughter. He went to one appointment with GamCare and is now apparently, a reformed man. He is refusing to tell his family or friends & seems to want to sweep it all under the carpet. Following a 6 month trial separation and years of being in an ‘unhappy marriage’ (such a euphemism!), this really was the final straw and I decided to leave, taking our daughter with me. We are now living with my mum temporarily. My husband is furious with me for having left and says he is considering getting counselling to help him deal with it. Not counselling to help him overcome his gambling addiction, you understand, because he’s fine now! I imagine this complete denial that he has a problem is a classic symptom of a gambling addiction! As he hasn’t told his family the truth about why my daughter and I have left, I’ve told him they aren’t going to have any contact with her until he does. 

Hi there Worthy and welcome to the forum .

Unfortunately I'm a Compulsive Gambler although  I've not had a bet for a few years  but just wanted to give you my two peneth for what it's worth . 

Maybe there's been some sort of " Eureka moment " where he's suddenly realised that he can't gamble anymore I don't know but In my humble opinion it would be very difficult for someone with a gambling addiction to have one meeting and suddenly proclaim that " He's cured" as it really doesn't work like that . 

We are never cured but can learn to control addiction and live quite Happily alongside it but even now for me and although much easier  it's "just for today I will not gamble  " 

Honesty is the only way forward with this and although you know why it is you've moved out of the marital home his attitude toward's seeking proper help and being transparent with you in relation to finances and bank account's and such is a concern but if he's to be believed then this is the minimum you should expect to see ?. 

I told nobody about about my addiction for many years and became a master of illusion over time in order that I could continue gambling and it wasn't until I decided one day to come clean to my loved ones that I felt able to do something to halt this spiraling disease , gambling thrives on secrecy simply because it's your dirty little secret and allows you to pick right up where you left off . 

Sound's like he's throwing his toy's out of the pram a bit now by saying he's going for counciling for himself in order to deal with something that was his doing in the first place , poor him and what about you then  ?. 

To be honest I'd let him get on with it as this is about you protecting yourself and your daughter now and whatever he's say's to the contrary you haven't caused this , your not responsible for this and you can't control what he does , I know that every time I placed a bet nobody forced me too , it was my choice every time and it wouldn't have mattered if somebody had offered me the world I still wouldn't have stopped until I was ready to do so . 

I don't know how you now feel about the marriage if or not it can be saved or even if that's something you want anymore , if it is then it can be fixed but it requires much hard work on his part and support for yourself too maybe through Gamanon at a meeting   or by speaking with gamcare above if you'd rather by phone, who I'm sure would point you in the right direction but whichever you choose if it is t be saved then you need everything out in the open and unless you see it then don't believe it . 

If your done with it all then it just becomes about you and those you need to protect from now on ?.

I'm sorry I can't be more use but just wanted to respond with a little insight into a Cg's brain and how it's wired , I'm sure a few of the ladies affected by what we do will be along in the not too distant future to give you there much more in depth opinion of what's the best course of action and they really do know their stuff and have taught me much about how someone like me affect's someone like you . 

Best wishes for now 🙂

Alan 

Hi Worthy,

Eh an appointment with Gamcare ?. Didn't know you could get an appointment with Gamcare do they have branches in every city & town. I gambled ( compulsively ) for years and came to Gamcare for help & support. This is the best organisation in the world in my opinion to help CGs fight their addiction i believe, but can i tell you they showed me how to do self exclusion to stop me from online gambling, arranged counselling sessions (12 not 1 )  and not at any stage did they ever discuss the 1 session miracle cure your husband apparently received.  ( Having said that i'm not a BUPA member ).

Listen & listen good for you & your child's own good. CGs are the most untrustworthy, deceitful liars god has ever made. 

Step 1.  Admit you have a problem & you can't stop

Step 2  Have a genuine desire to stop & admit you're powerless to do it on your own.

Step 3  Realise you & money have a toxic relationship.

Step 4  If you can't handle & be responsible with money hand the responsibility to someone who can

Step 5  Be transparent & reveal all that you're hiding, Pay Day Loans. Bank Loans, Credit Card Debts etc, etc.

Trust me if you're man doesn't tick EVERY BOX then there's something amiss. So for now protect yourself & your child, never ever bail a CG out because all you're doing is prolonging the cancer & providing him with a safety net & letting him think no matter what you'll save him. At this stage you've set sail on the journey to hell.

I'm not at all suggesting you dump or abandon him, many CGs recover and go on to living healthy & happy lives. Look on Success stories on here, & read as many posts as you can. It's taken me over 40 years ( yes 40 ) to realise my weaknesses & my inability to handle money but believe me there ain't any 1 stop cures. A compulsive gambler who wants to change has to accept that this is a lifetime commitment, the urges, temptation & withdrawal symptoms will always lurk in the shadows & pounce at every opportunity. There's no miracle cures & that's why they give heroine addicts Methadone to control their addiction. Gambling is a drug.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi worthy

i have gambled for years and only signed up on Friday so very early days.  I feel strong at the moment but I am on here every night listening on group chat and reading inspiring and emotional things.  

Your husband, like me, is a practiced liar and the more you practice the better you are at it.  When reading your post I notice you called him out, as you were suspicious and therefore step 1 as Alan has pointed out still appears not to have happened.

if you want to give it another go I would want to see every piece of debt.  Perhaps even ask for a credit report on experian or another credit site for a full picture of the problem.  He can show you a bill or bank statement but as a cg I had half a dozen credit cards on the go.  My partner knows all my lines of credit but I joined Friday as I gambled on a card he never checks!!!!!  Wonder why I used it.  He still could check it and then I would have to admit my expensive blip but I want to try and clear it down as quickly as possible as he has been great and I know it stresses him when I gamble.  I am trying not to be selfish.  so am on the road, I hope, to be like some of the inspirational people on here and for the first time in 25 years not have a debt relating to gambling I have to finance.  

Good luck with your husband ?

Hi @worthy 

it sounds like you've been through hell and back. I think you're so right to protect yourself. As a compulsive gambler (about 45 days stopped), I know that you have to have every support in place and this is an ongoing battle so to Say after 1 session of counselling that all is well seems that he is maybe stuck in denial. On the point of telling family, my husband and I decided not to- but I very much made sure that it was his decision and that I would do whatever would make things easier for him. He didn't want them knowing. But I would have told, and still will, if he asks me to- In fact anyone that he wants me to tell.

 "As he hasn’t told his family the truth about why my daughter and I have left, I’ve told him they aren’t going to have any contact with her until he does."

This comment is only meant in a supportive way and Im only thinking from your daughters perspective-  Is that what is best for her, to not be allowed to see some of her family at an already disrupted time? I understand you want him to tell his family though so this is to persuade him to. I also understand he is to blame for the choices he made. However, maybe stability for her would be better and he, and his family, still have a right/responsibility to see your daughter... despite what he has done with gambling. 

Wishing you and your daughter all the very best. I'm really sorry this has happened to you, and your family.xxxx

Hi worthy

just checking in to see how things are with your husband.

hope all is ok and you are talking about his problem and he is being honest with you

?

Dear all who have responded to my post,

Thank you so much for your comments, advice and support. I would like to reply to all of your messages individually but when I click on reply it brings me down here to a new box! 

Unfortunately, the marriage is not salvageable so I now need to decide whether to stay separated or push things along further and begin divorce proceedings. My husband seems to be in complete denial about his addiction. I think he is years away from step 1. I am concerned he is not functioning on all cylinders and therefore, may become very nasty re: divorce. 

My daughter and I now live a significant distance away from my husband & his family. We are no longer speaking to each other by telephone, just text messages. As far as I know, he still hasn’t told his family & friends the truth about why my daughter & I have left. I am desperate to tell them but I know it has to come from him.

I would really appreciate your thoughts, comments and advice on my latest post.

Thanks in advance,

Worthy

Hi worthy

when I came clean to my partner about a year ago I asked him not to tell his parents out of embarrassment.  He is a private person so was fine with this.  My parents know about my  history but no one else does.  Not my sister or my friends.  It’s not the same in that I don’t know I am a gf.  It’s the embarrassment that someone who has a good career and appears sensible could have this weakness.  

Your husband, until he is ready to admit his problem, will carry on.  You are right to separate your finances.  Don’t know how old your daughter is or if she knows why you have moved.  She may be too young.  Can’t offer marital advice as don’t feel qualified.  All I hope is your daughter is getting anything due and you have access to your own money so he can’t spend it.

Hi Worthy .

If I know what a gamblers brain is trying to do right now and I've a fair idea from experience, he's probably still in self preservation mode ie He's not told anyone in his family about the real reason behind you moving away and is probably still hoping that this will all go away and by some miracle allow him to be as he was ?.

Just wondering what he has said to his family as to the reason your no longer there ?

None of my business but do you not think it would be wise to tell them yourself if he won't , otherwise it just look's as though your the bad guy here for leaving with your daughter  ? .