Partner and I have been together for 13 years and have two children.
Before we had children he had a keen interest in trading and was quite skilled at it. After suffering a loss in the family he lost control.
During covid it came to light he had lost all of our savings and our eldest sons savings which was just into 5 figures.
He then gambled away the rent money and took out loans an credit cards to try and win some back. It only came to light when I opened a letter from our estate agent about the missed payment and everything clicked for me so I confronted him. I’ve been through my own losses/trauma so on this occasion as upset as I was I tried to be understanding and reassure him I would support him through it.
He said he’d joined GA and was getting help. He covered rent payments whilst I did everything else. All disposable income remained with me. He was still gambling small amounts (multiple payments of £5 each month) but no major issues for a couple of years.
Now years on and in the last 4/5 months we’ve now had the second occasion of him gambling his whole wage away. Which means I’ve had to cover the downfall out of savings that I had to scrape back after the first occasion. He was paid on Friday I asked him that day to transfer his wages over and he’s spent since then saying “I’ll do it in a bit” only to disclose today it’s gone.
I don’t think I can continue anymore. We were meant to be buying a house before the first time and we’re saving towards this. We literally had a conversation at the weekend about forgetting that and just enjoying life with our children and travelling as we both know how short life is with the trauma we have been through. To then find out he’s done it again. I’m sick of the deceit, the empty promises and the disappointment. I’ve not had a proper night out since the youngest was born and was meant to be out this weekend and I’ll have to cancel now. I have my own demons to deal with and I don’t think I can support his anymore.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe just the opportunity to share what I’ve been going through as I’ve not wanted to put him in a bad light to my family. He’s an amazing person and a great dad, we’ve been through so much together but I don’t think I can get the trust back now and I’m struggling to keep myself above water emotionally and this is breaking me.
Will it ever stop? I don’t want to throw it all away but the anxiety will be there forever regardless.
Hi I'm a gambler have been all my life I'm in my fifties now and still at it hopefully I have reached my limit as I am in here and not a gambling site all I can say is he can't help it and you can't help him he will only stop when he is ready and fir himself not you or your family I hope he reaches his limit and wish you all the best for the future.
Finally as a problem gambler I have to be honest I'd ibt even know if I can stop gambling so can't say your husband will sorry.
Gambling is an addiction where the recovery rate is very low
I would say less than 10% of recovering addicts manage to go completely cold turkey with no relapsing it takes immense willpower , desire and discipline ,
the best most can hope for is too get a hold of it and keep it under control so they don't end up going to rock bottom what that means in reality is different for every individual
Personally the last thing I would be doing is looking to buy a house with a gambler
Financially it will drag you deeper into the mess you are already in
I would leave for a couple of months , it may force some action from him and at this stage it sounds like it will take something as drastic as that to cultivate any kind of change
its so accessible and
I can only imagine the sheer exhaustion at this stage I agree with the other post that you need a cooling off period to get your balance back and refocus
Get yourself right firstly and then you can move forward wishing you all the best
@o20elft46r thank you for you’re input and honesty! I guess I have a lot to think about. I wish you all the best in your journey!
@287hzyl0pq thank you for your reply. We most definitely won’t be buying a house any tile soon, it’s not even an option now and doesn’t look like it ever will be.
I think you’re right about the cooling off period. I just need to work out how we can do that logistically.
I know he wants to stop and feels extremely guilty about it but he’s always had high expectations of himself and the life he wanted and that drive to do/be better (which is financially motivated) is always going to be there.
Hi cet90 there are many ways to stop and many ways to continue.
I was same as you, constantly paying his debt. We are programmed to think debt comes first, it doesn’t, debt is last.
Its his debt not yours.
My husband didn’t stop until he gave up all access to money. He would do cash and receipt. There are tools to use such as gamban. There is also lots of help.
The desire to stop has to be greater than the desire to gamble. We also have to stop helping or trying to fix things.
Hi
By going to meetings there came a time when I think I’ve reached my limit of causing my self traumas pains fears and frsutrations at hurting my self.
For me the addictions and obsessions were an unhealthy form of self abuse and neglect.
I no longer want to waste my money my time or hurt my self any more.
The opposite is the case to learn how to respect love and nurture and encourage my self to a much healthier life.
I was and am able to stop smoking to stop getting drunk to abstain from verbal abuse towards my self.
I have not smoked in over 20 years.
Because I smoked nearly 20 years cost me over 60,000 pounds.
I have given up getting drunk, not healthy.
I have given up wasting my time.
I have given up being angry, being resentful, given up procrastination.
I have taken up the healthy habit of writing down my needs my wants and my goals.
I have given up lying to my self.
I have given up being a loner.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
