I'm a mum whose just found out her son is online gambling

Hi Lily... I'm the mom of a gambling addict. Firstly this has NOTHING to do with your parenting... period! He is an addict and while he certainly never asked for this it is his to manage.

Since your son is clearly in denial might I suggest that you get off his bank account. Watching the activity on this will only add to your misery. You and he both know he is a compulsive gambler and you don't need any proof. As you have learned an active compulsive gambler lies, manipulates, threatens, bullies and will pretty well do anything they can to get what they need.... money to keep gambling.

You can only do what you are comfortable with so try not to throw out threats if you can not carry them out as this will just set you back further. Unfortunately as cliche as it is only he can decide when he is ready to admit the problem and find some sort of recovery. The best you can do is try and "help" him hit that rock bottom sooner rather than later. He has to feel the pain/consequences of his actions.

The problem with giving him gas money for his car is that even though he did spend it on gas it frees up his own money for gambling. Every dollar you give him is going to gambling one way or another.

I know it is hard but you might be best to go a little no contact for a while. You can't make this right... he has to:(

Please, please, please find a Gam Anon group... you need support!!

Cathyx

All the time you enable him to gamble by giving in to his demands by throwing his toys out of the pram , he will never face up to his gambling addiction , why should he Mum's gonna keep on funding it for him , he can't get to work because he's no money for petrol HIS FAULT , he can't afford food for his daughter HIS FAULT , he's in debt HIS FAULT , why ? because he gambles it away , as much as your his mum and you feel a duty to help him , this is one of those times that by doing so will just allow him to carry on gambling and that's not going to help him realise he needs to accept his responsibility for what he's doing .

He doesn't like you checking on him , Awhhhh ! poor him but he's quite happy to use emotional blackmail against you by the threat of not allowing you to see your grandaughter and that's ok is it ? .

If he won't accept responsibility for his actions then why should you be by bailing him out all the time ? , maybe speak to his partner and discuss things with her , let her know you'll help where your grandaughters concerned and come to an arrangement with her , then if your son doesn't like it which I imagine he wont , I'm afraid you may have to walk away for a while until such time as he's ready to face his problem but in all honesty it could be a long wait .

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but sometimes tough love's the only way .

I wish you well Lily

Hi, Lily,

I'm sorry to hear how bad things are. Echo previous replies - he's not gambling because of something that you did or didn't do when you were bringing him up. It's addiction and addiction knows no social boundaries, no religious boundaries, it can affect anyone.

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. That's down to him. None of the problems that he's trying to solve by gambling are your fault, blaming their upbringing is classic gambler's manipulation. But as others have said, it's worth a painful look at what you're doing, willingly or unwillingly, that allows the gambling to continue. Others have talked of tough love but if you pay, directly or indirectly, he will be able to gamble. If you take responsibility which is not yours to take, eg for keeping his car on the road or food on his table, that will make it easier for him to keep on gambling. At the moment, using / gambling solves his problems at your expense. The hope is that he will seek help when gambling is more painful for him than not. Getting to that point, saying "no" and meaning it takes a huge amount of strength and it's vital for you to get the support you need. Via GC and or GamAnon.

Divide and rule is another classic addict tactic. If you son can have you and his OH and his brother at loggerheads, it's easier for him to gamble, he can manipulate money from each of you without the others knowing. You don't want your other son to know in order to protect him - it may well be the case that he does indeed know and has been persuaded to protect you. Gambling thrives on secrecy and is more difficult when those who need to know, do. The best scenario would be for you, your granddaughter's mother and your other son to go to GamAnon meetings together to learn how best to cope together. And to work together to take care of your granddaughter.

Finally, it's not all about your son, focus on you and take care of yourself.

CW

Lily

His head is now spinning with all of this and I can see he is starting to panic which maybe be an indication he is heading for the turning point where he realises that things are so bad things have to change. I am glad to see you are being firm with him and also that you still have access to his statements where you could see he spent the £20 on petrol. A suggestion I would make is now trying to sort how much his debts are from his statements and if he will give you the information and ring Gamcare to enquire about debt control and what is on offer and then approach him with the info. If he has payday loans try to get the log in info off those accounts from him. If he accepts help from a debt agency he will have to declare all of this anyway. I know it is really hard but it is a good idea for you to try and be really strict with him now and stress there will be no further support unless he abides by your rules, puts an action plan for recovery in place and get the rest of the family behind you. He will be angry and there will be tears because although he is really hurting all of you he probably loves you all to bits but unfortunately is hoping he can have the best of both worlds but he will end up losing it all if he carries on. I feel for you because it is really hard even when they go into recovery because they have to gain your trust back and trusting again is something I myself am finding hard to do. Having said that we have used the methods I have advised and things are going well at the moment but it will be a while before we can fully relax. When there are children involved their welfare is the utmost importance and I hope his partner is assessing the situation carefully. She could also ring Gamcare if she wants any advice. I really hope your son sees the light soon - one good thing is that he knows he has a problem and it is all out in the open and you have some access to his accounts which is better than it being a total secret - so already you have a fair bit of control over him. I think maybe you are stronger than you think because you have got a lot further than some of us on here at this stage. We are all supporting you - good luck Lily.

Thank you thank you thank you all of you. Tough words are what I need. I sit here crying and feeling sorry for myself. This is not solving anything. I will try to get to a meeting. My son's partner text and said I could pick up my grandaughter from nursery today as she has missed me. My son then text and said I could not unless I treated him with more respect!! I was torn what to do - I was desperate to see my grandaughter. He then text to say sorry he didn't know why he had said that and for me to pick her up. I did this tonight and saw her for an hour when I took her to the park. I dropped her back and although my son was in he didnt come to the door. I dropped her off and left quickly. How has it come to this. I have turned my phone off now.. I did check the statement and he has wages in there. Its up to him now what he does with this money I can't reason with him. Maybe Amom is right and I should back off from reading the statements, what is this achieving. I know he has a problem and it is just making it worse me knowing the extent. If he thinks I am checking it maybe that will work. I wont be checking it anymore this weekend at least.

This forum is helping me so much - tough words are what I need - tough talking to - I am a soft touch always have been. I wish I could say no more but inside I have not reached that stage yet. I will start to look for a support meeting perhaps that will help me toughen up!

Once again thanks to everyone and keep on at me - this is what I need.

It's not so much toughening up Lily as it is accepting that you can not do anything to change or help your son. No reasoning, threats, ultimatums, heart to hearts, or tears are going to make him see the light. His life has to become unmanageable to him only(not you or anybody else) . Addiction is selfish and unfortunately parents & spouses are fighting a losing battle trying to help.

Your job is to politely remove yourself from the chaos and get some perspective on the situation from an outsiders position. You will be amazed how differently things look when you detach. It's not easy but neither is the life you are living now.

Things don't change overnight for either your son or you... just keep trying to move forward.

Take Care Lily and keep reading and writing 🙂

Cathyx

Hi Lily , All Compulsive Gamblers in my opinion are at different levels when they hit their " Rock Bottom " whatever that is ?

Some turn up here at the point of ending it all after amassing huge debt's and losing their family's love and trust and some actually lose their family's completely , others can realise at an earlier stage that they need to stop and seek help before too much damadge has been done . Where your son's " Rock bottom " will be only he will know I'm afraid but the only thing you can do is be there when he is ready to face his demon's and in the meantime maybe come here and read up on the Family and friends section to compare stories of others just like yourself have dealt with things as theyv'e arisen ? , Knowledge as they say is power and if you can understand what your son is going through and that all the experiences your now having to deal with are unfortunately not uncommon , you can learn how best to tackle things from the wealth of knowledge that exists on this forum :)).

Keep posting Lily and I wish you all the best for now !

Alan

The weekend was good. I blocked my son from my phone and felt relieved not to be constantly worried about incoming messages and calls. I also did not check the bank statements and gave him no money. However by Tuesday I could see he had not gone to work. His flat is above where I work and his car was in the car park. I tried to ignore this but was worried something had happened. I removed the block off the phone and by the afternoon the first text had arrived. Same old thing, he needed petrol. I agreed to give him £10 in cash and no more. He met me outside my place of work and I handed it over. He sent me a message saying he'd won a golf trophy and how proud his dad would have been (he had been a golf professional). I agreed his dad would have been and asked him to do something to make me proud.

He said he would try - he knows he makes mistakes but I need to move on. I feel I cannot do this. I cannot just forgive and forget what he has done by gambling my money. He then asked to borrow another £20. And so it carries on. Just when I think maybe he realises that this time he has pushed me too far, he then asks for money again. I didnt give it to him.

I was so upset I have said things to him that I really dont mean - I should just turn my phone off. I have told him he is a disappointment to me and I am ashamed of him and want nothing more to do with him. I wish afterwards I had not said these things. I dont think this helps. All he said afterwards is he thinks I am pathetic. I've told him I'm getting help and he should. He just gets angry - still in denial. I am now into week 3 since I found out he had gambled my money and this is to hard. I know I have gone too far now and will not be seeing my granddaughter until we can sort this out.

My other son's wife is celebrating a big birthday this weekend with a halloween party. I am hoping my son does not come. He is saying he wont but this will upset my elder son who is expecting him there. He knows nothing of what has been happening. I am worried what will happen once drink is involved. We shall see.

Once again thanks for listening and all the advice. I find this so helpful and it has truly made me feel better in myself. I am building up to speaking to a counsellor - need a bit more confidence yet!

Hi, Lily,

Active gamblers are adept at twisting and making you feel bad. re handouts, he's an adult, he should be able to put petrol in his own car, it's not your responsibility to do it for him. The gambler will play as long as someone else will pay.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Lily, if he wants money, he gets help to stop gambling it away & goes to work, it's not rocket science. Many years ago, I told my Aunt I was thinking about becoming a P********e...I no more considered this than I would have considered flying to the moon but it worked, shame on me. Equally, I have said the most vile & disgusting things to my mother (also a CG) more shame on me! My Aunt is no longer with us & I cannot find my way to make amends with my mum who seems capable of forgiving anything I do but still will not accept she has a problem. It's her problem though so I have drawn my line (she lives in my flat & I have a standing order for her bills from her pension which this time around, she hasn't cancelled, yet) & periodically, I shed a few tears over it all. Now, I accept I can't change it. Our family & her friends know she gambles, she's burnt enough bridges & yet most of them still lend her money behind my back & I find out about it weeks or months later when either they or she want me to resolve the issues. I have bailed her out for years because I can't risk her getting into trouble because of my job but all I have been doing all this time is enabling her & I will have to speak to my employers & hope for the best if she does cross the line (assuming she hasn't already). I would strongly advise against keeping this from the rest of the family...There's nothing to say he hasn't been borrowing from others & playing you all off against each other.

I know you are worried about the counselling but the counsellor will help you unravel some of the confusion is your mind. You probably need to accept your money is gone, it's not personal, he will take it from any source & try & figure out how to best to support yourself. If counselling feels too scary @ the moment, try the helpline!

Try & look after you - ODAAT

Hi Lily,

Coming on here is great, the people are great and you get lots of advice and support from people in all sorts of positions.

I agree with a lot of the advice here in that you should definitely get whatever your grandaughter needs ie. Food, shoes ect instead of giving him money. One thing I have learnt having an addict as a partner is not to trust him AT ALL with any sort of finance.
But I think giving into his demands for money is just feeding into his habit and making it worse.
That's exactly what my mother-in-law did, all the while I was oblivious to the fact that a) he had a problem and b) that she was giving him money.
I was unbelievably angry at her for that. So one thing I would say is to make sure that you are constantly working together with his partner - tell each other everything you both know and work together so that you can help provide for your grandaughter and to give your son the tough love that he needs...AND as a support for you so that you both don't feel like you're on your own with this. I'm sure she needs support just as much as you do. But that is exactly what he needs to have any hope of stopping - to be cut off so he physically can't gamble anymore. In that case, he may very well get payday loans out (my other half did), but you can keep an eye on that by getting his partner to open his post ect.
I know it's so difficult but chin up, be strong and try to be persistent in not giving him more money.

Once again all the comments made I can relate to and I am so glad people take the time to respond. These posts are becoming some sort of diary for me and are giving me the strength I need. I went to the party, my son attended on his own with his daughter without his partner. He acted as though nothing had happened between us. I was polite to him, my grandaughter was very pleased to see me. He said at one point he knew I hated him but he loved me. How hard it was not to give in. He wasn't drinking and behaved perfectly. He didn't mention money and just said how much his daughter loved her nanny. He then said his job was at risk as the business partners had fallen out and at the moment there was no work. I don't believe this to be the case, I think he's lost the job because he doesn't bother to turn up or has gambled all his money and can't afford petrol. I think he is trying to turn the focus off the gambling and onto another problem ie loss of job. He has definitely not been going to work as I see his car in the car park every day. At least he wasn't blaming me for his job loss.

I fear now that the demands will start for money again as he has no job. I get angry that he is not finding other work if he has lost the job yet realise that any money he did earn was gambled. He has a family to support and should be out finding other work. I have not questioned him and am not getting involved.

I am trying not to lose focus on the real problem here which is the gambling. Maybe "rock bottom" is nearer than I think. I have blocked my phone again as I have to remain strong. I think he must realise now that the money is not coming like before and I am toughening up! I suppose I have always dealt with everything on my own - not involving my other son or any partners. Am I just burying my head in the sand? I know this is not going to just go away but I am taking Amom's suggestion and removing myself from the problem. I've blocked him from my phone now for over a week. Its the only thing that works and stops me giving in. I feel pleased I've not given in but just feel something bad is round the corner and I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen. I did check his bank statements today as I need to know if its still happening. He had wages and had gambled £100 of it. I suppose that's something. At least it wasn't all of it - not yet anyway. However there will be no more wages until he gets another job. And so it goes on.

Thank you everyone for your support - it means everything to me. I have no one to confide in. I will do an online chat with a counsellor soon I am getting stronger. At the moment I cannot confide in anyone else - I suppose I am too afraid of the consequences.

What consequences are you afraid of?If you're worried about telling other family members, it probably is worth doing. Either they already know and they're already donating gambling tokens to your son or they don't know yet but would benefit from being forewarned to avoid donating gambling tokens to him in the (near?) future. One thing that people report being cheesed off about is realising that they were persuaded to bail out the gambler when other family members knew not to. That is divisive and best avoided. Also, telling your other son will provide a source of support for you. Neither son is a baby, they don't need protecting.

The reality isn't as bad as fear of it.

Take care,

CW

Hi my son has a gambling problem. It is early stages, but I am under no illusion that it will get worse, if it is not sorted. He spends all his wages on gambling has nothing left at the end of the week. He has also borrowed from one of these Loan companies with high interest rates, which we have sorted out for him. I really do not want to get any worse he is very secretive and will not open up about his situation. I really need help in supporting him and getting the professional help he needs.

Hello Alison. Thanks for joining and posting in the forum. I am sure forum members will be there to support you. You might get more responses if you start your own thread rather than posting on Lily's thread. If you're not sure how to do that, go to the Family and Friends section: http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forums/family-friends, scroll to the bottom and click 'new topic'.

You would be very welcome to call our freephone helpline 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the Netline (link at the top of the page).

I'll step back now and let the forum members respond, but what I will say now is that much of the advice that others have given to Lily and Shelley69 may also help you - what do you think?

Take care

Forum Admin

PS I noticed you've used your full name as your username - you might want to have a look at our guidance on sharing personal information on the forum: http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/uploading-photos-and-personal-information