is he lying

Hi Clueless, welcome to the forum & let me say that handle is not befitting because although you may be naive to power of addiction, your gut concerns sound spot on!

I often cringe @ the amount of advice gamblers get from groups they have never been to or counsellors that aren’t actually counselling them...As compulsive gamblers, we convince ourselves of all sorts of nonsense & having someone to blame sat high on my agenda when I started coming clean to my then partner (now husband). There may be a need for relationship counselling down the line, should you want to work at this further but your priority now should be to yourself. If you have been taking out loans for him & ignoring the signs for years you may be co-dependent & you really should read up on addiction & look at getting support for yourself...GamCare offer free counselling & there are also GamAnon or CoDA meetings that may suit your needs, where you will get real life support from people who have walked in your shoes.

As a gambler, I adopted a degree of arrogance towards my addiction, firstly refusing to acknowledge it @ all & then when I finally accepted I had a problem, I couldn’t see past the financial aspect of it even after being bailed out a number of times! I still don’t know my reasons why but I can assure you, I know enough now to accept I wasn’t just trying to get rich!

Sounds to me like you asking for a divorce has put a fear into him. And, I hate to knock people when they have the 1st breaths of freedom but the manipulation you describe suggests that this may be little more than lip service @ this time. There seems to be more talk than action & as you have found out to your detriment, you cannot trust us & that is your 1st step to healing from this.

I think you should maybe ring the helpline to formulate a plan going forwards & until he starts proving otherwise, trust nothing! You have to figure out how to look after you now - ODAAT

Hi clueless sorry to see you here. In reading your post you said 'I thought he had kicked his habit', 'I chose to ignore it', 'I don't believe a gambling addict can self help'. Unfortunately you are here but it's great you are seeking help. Odaat is right, you have done and said all classic things we partners do. The first thing is never bail a gambler out, it's their debt. No joint accounts. It allows them to continue, never facing reality. Get help for you, you ignored it, hoped it would go away. It's progressive, it just gets worse, more gambling, more debt, more secrets. So what you need to do is change that cycle. Advice is to take over finance, safeguard your money. He's sorting out his counselling and his credit cards. He feels relief, he's confessed. I've learnt in my relationship not to tell him how to recover. I go to gamanon meetings and learn how to live with a compulsive gambler. He goes to GA. It's taken a long time to get to where we are today. He has no money, doesn't look at bank accounts. Cash only for essentials and receipts to the penny. No one knows in the beginning, no one can see what's going on in secret. They do everything to hide it. But no one can stop them except themselves. Your partner is actively trying to show you he's doing something but he's also trying to divert it to you. 'Relationship counselling'. In my experience the best place is GA, gamanon for you. This is not your fault. You are not doing anything wrong. If he's being open and honest he will do anything to stop. trust yourself, your instinct. You can't fix him, you can only support him in recovery. You look after you. The other thing is if you can stop his parents bailing him out. Don't make rash decisions in the first weeks of discovery. I went to gamanon this time round without him. He followed a week later. We all want it to go away, get better, not be anything to do with us. We've all made classic mistakes, don't punish yourself. But be aware they are addicts and it doesn't go away. Learn as much as you can, keep asking questions.

Mer hoth

Hi ODAAT and Merry Go Around for your comment and advice, it really give me a better understand of this addiction and I feel less guilty being sceptical.

I feel my husband only say what I like to hear, he ‘acknowledged’ that he is an GA but he also feels that he is not as bad as some other cases (ie those steals or have to gamble on daily basis), it worries me that he feels his issue is not that serious. He felt he can manage his debt, but that’s him using his full wage doing minimum payments and I am covering all the bills. He gets frustrated that I no longer trust him, I often feel it’s better if I just don’t talk about my feeling as I am talking to a dead wall. I am the one losing sleep and he is the one able to eat and snore away at night (before he confessed, he wasnlosing appetite and losing). I felt he had a sound of relief when the counsellor said he is doing the right things (doing nothing) and that he won’t get any session until March at the earliest. The only different this time is that no one is bailing him out, but he got his way out by begging credit card companies to freeze his account and do a debt repayment plan with him - low interest, small payments for many years. We both have a good job and should be able to afford good things, but we can’t because of his debts. I feel depressed living in a life of having to stress whether I have enough to cover all food and bills, but he doesn’t seem to see any of that. I honestly feel hopeless now

He's relaxed because you're his safety net and you're the one doing the worrying and yes, he's absolutely saying what he thinks you want to hear because it keeps you off his back.

You can't control how he behaves but you can control how you react to it. Think hard about what you want need and deserve and how you want to live. Don't be deflected. Don't be manipulated. Put yourself, your health and sanity first every single time.

Hi this is just my opinion but he still has to contribute to bills. His debt comes last. I am a cynic too, I feel they just say what they think you want to hear. Just talking on the phone is not enough. His money is not just to gamble and then pay the debt. He has to contribute other wise it's just another form of bailing out. He isn't facing anything. Get help for you, just worry about you.

The last few days has been calm on the surface but like a thunderstorm beneath. I found out that I can turn on parental control via internet account which will block all gambling sites, which I have done so and changed the password to the internet account so he cannot turn it off. He wasn’t happy with my decision (which I cannot understand why if he said he has stopped gambling). And since then, he has been trying to sign up onto a new mobile tariff with a bigger data plan and a new mobile (his current one is old and slow). It all seems too suspicious.

When I raised my concern, he said he would like to have data so he can stream movies at home and browse the internet at work. I have tried a few sites using our home internet and it’s accessable so his excuse is not valid, I suggested him to give me the list of sites he uses and I will add to the unblock list, which he had refused.

Sometimes he is being really nice to me just like he used to, caring and understanding, then there’s time he is so cold and distanced. Every times I asked him whether he wants me to stay and work on this together or would be rather me to leave, he just said it’s up to me.

Because I took out two personal loans for his debt, I actually have more debt than he does, and he is well aware of that. He also knows that if we go for divorce, and if he stop giving me the money for the loan repayments, there’s nothibg I can do about it. I feel he is just pretending to stop gambling so I will stay and provide (I am paying all the bills at the moment, his full wages goes to the credit card repayments)

I have got him to sign up for counselling, but the soonest they can see him will be in March - and I am not sure how much help the counselling will do either as I don’t think he truely wants to stop this addiction

I think I need to leave but how should I bring up this? I am worry that he will become irractional, and blame me instead (I have no proves that he is still gambling, I just got this gut instinct that he hasn’t changed)

Hi clueless waiting for counselling is not stopping gambling. He needs to show you he's stopping, being honest and handing over finances. He is not doing that. He will continue while he can and if he has access to money and credit. Trust your gut instinct. Look after you and your money. Call gamcare and talk to someone. You are paying the loans living with him or not. He will blame you, that's what they do. He's got it easy, there has been no change for him, you pay everything and if not you his parents. What do you want? This will continue because he's not contributing financially or emotionally to your relationship. If you are scared that is a different matter. Please call someone and get advice this is not just about him. Look after you first.

First time round, I did the thing about believing what my husband said and not looking too closely at what he did in case I saw the red flags waving at me. And they were waving.

Actions always speak louder than words. Actions to stop gambling include but are not limited to - instigating or at least cooperating with software blocks/ parental blocks; use of a non internet mobile; self exclusion; setting up or cooperating with financial blocks so that he doesn’t have money to gamble with; regular attendance at GA meetings (a few times per week) with a view to working their recovery program; attendance at counselling.

These are measures that gamblers who wish to recover are prepared to take without loopholes in a bid to help themselves. They are not, repeat not, measures that we take on the gambler’s behalf because that would lack one vital ingredient: the input of the gambler required to address the gambler’s problem. Put another way, we can’t do it for them because it’s not our problem to solve, it’s not our responsibility, he’s not a toddler making a mess for Mother to clean up. Recovery only happens when the gambler takes ownership of their own problem, it’s part of maturity.

Your problem isn’t his gambling per se, it’s the effect that his gambling is having on you. And the purpose of the list of measures isn’t to tell him what to do, it isn’t to have you running round in circles trying to make him do what he’s not presently prepared to do. It’s to help you assess the reality of what’s going on so that you can make informed decisions for yourself.

There is help out there for you and however dire your situation is, you have the choice as to whether to take it. Otherwise nothing changes (ie for you) if nothing changes. My own view is that there’s no substitute for a Twelve Step program to learn how to look after ourselves from and with others in the same position. GamAnon is the program for families of gamblers, otherwise CoDA. I’d advise to go to meetings and stick with it, regardless of what your husband or family think. Other help is available via this website or the Helpline or counselling service from GamCare.

Would also echo Merry’s advice not to keep paying for it. The gambler will play as long as someone else pays. He ran up the debts and regardless of whose name the loans are in, they’re his.

Keep your focus on you and start looking after you. Take care.

CW