Is your Gambler a dreamer.......?

Hi, Sparkle,

Starting point is that if you're concerned, listen to yourself. Or less elegantly, if you can smell a rat, it's probably because there's one there.

It's worth having a read of GA and GamAnon literature, which talks about gamblers having unrealistic dreams about the material benefits that gambling will (actually, won't) bring. Gambling isn't about the financial and material, GA see it as an emotional illness coupled with a spiritual emptiness. They also refer to immaturity and this particular aspect is immature. Betting is not about financial gain, it's about what the gambler gets from the act of placing a bet and the emotional problems that it solves for him or her.

Focusing on all these material things is a whole lot easier for him than focusing on his character traits and on bringing about the change in personality that GA say is required for long term recovery. I would be less inclined to gently suggest and more inclined to point out reality, that dealing with the issues surrounding the gambling and repairing relationships has to come first. When the foundations of the house and household are solid, it will be time enough for improvements.

My husband isn't into dreaming so much, his relationship with finances and money is dysfunctional in a different way, he can't bear to spend on himself and he doesn't want to be involved in budgeting and financial planning, presumably because he's worried about a perceived lack of money being a trigger. So he just drifts along thinking that money goes a lot further than it really does and I avoid pointing out reality. But others have talked at GamAnon meetings about grandiose plans that never get off the ground, I gather that it's quite common.

Hope this helps. Look after you.

CW

An active CG lives in a dreamworld where either they are going to land that big win that sorts the debts out or they're Mr Big with cash to splash on friends and family or both.

Once that bubble has been popped I would say they usually hit reality at speed and that was my experience but my personal view is that can be dependent on the scale of the mess they've created. That's just my view and it's based only on my own experience and observation.

Personally I gave up walking on eggshells second time round. Doing it didn't do either of us any good. If you're not comfortable with grandiose castles in the sky, tell him and tell him why. He lost the right to be treated with kid gloves when he lied to you and deceived you to gamble. If he's genuine about his recovery he will understand.

It is very common with us gamblers. Is he also a compulsive collector/hoarder (obsessed with possessions)?
Don't let him flit from one idea to the next leaving half completed tasks in his wake. If you get him to channel his creativity then it might be ok, but small steps - make sure youkeep him grounded!

My wife put her foot down and made me realise what I was doing luckily, because honestly I couldn't even see it. I was encouraged to focus on one step at a time so I set up a business (selling things online...) and it's very successful. Don't trample him down, he's probably just looking for ways to occupy his mind without gambling, but getting far too big for his boots in the process. Keep his feet on the ground but encourage hobbies...