So when I met him 9 years ago he said he was 'lucky' and the gambling, scratch cards etc just seemed like a bit of fun. Neither of us had any real financial commitments so the losses didn't have any impact. It was 18 months later when we moved in together and had our first child the cracks slowly started to appear. He would blow rent, hide bank statements and flip out if I dared to spend any money at all, even in the pound shop!
Anyway it's 9 years and another baby later and his problem has only escalated. We have split up and got back together countless times. He has handed over control of finances and took them back. He attended 1 GA meeting and a couple of councilling sessions but nothing has helped.
We are currently separated. He said he is in a very dark place right now but I'm struggling to sympathise.
My issue is that with his addiction I can not ever look forward or hope for better things, for progression, for us as a family to live life rather than just survive.
I just don't understand it :'(
I've only just joined but that's exactly how I feel - I don't want to just survive financially but want to look forward to doing things as a family but the addition prevents this.
Exactly. If you can't look towards the future and hope then what can you do? It's depressing. I read that an addict, be it gambling or substances, is always plotting their way back to their habit...do you think this is true?
I think there's a lot of people doing battle with their addiction and every success story has to start somewhere, we are happy again, but we have changed our environment significantly, you can't go on doing what you always did and thinking things will change, you're right there. We have had little holidays, we have a life back, his addiction is still with us, but apart from his slip, his gambling and the awful behaviour that went with it are a past life, we don't forgetm I don't forgive, but we have moved on. No one judges here, some relationships are irreparable, some aren't, but we didn't do anything wrong and we can recover our happiness regardless of what our gamblers do. You've made the first step, you're not alone now, you're talking. Keep talking.
Thank you. I'm still so angry about it all but just posting about it to people who understand is helping. I flip between furious and depressed over it all. I feel kind of like the relationship I invested my love into wasn't real, like if I'd have known back then how it would be all these years later....I just feel cheated out of the loving fun thouhtful man I fell in love with :'(
Hi, sgb86,
It's a horrible situation to be in. I spent years thinking that what was in fact addiction was merely the ups and downs (actually downs and further downs) of married life.
It sounds like he thinks that there's an easy cure for addiction but it's a permanent condition. Either he's active or he's in recovery.
Active gamblers are fantastic manipulators, he'd have you go back to him so he's not in a dark place? Or perhaps he'd like you to think that you put him in a dark place?
Be assured that he has never gambled because of what you did or didn't do, or because of what you did or didn't say. His gambling, his choices not to manage his addiction, he put himself in a dark place.
He could decide to stop, get blocking software on all devices, hand over finances once and for all, put up all possible barriers, go to GA with the intention of seeking support, find a counsellor who suits him...
Or he could make one or two gestures and sit there saying that he's in a dark place.
There's a real difference between the two. If he's willing to show you and keep showing you that he's prepared to do everything possible to stay in recovery then you may have a chance. Otherwise, you have some hard decisions ahead about what you're prepared to tolerate.
Hope this helps,
CW
Had a quick reminder last night from a GA member, there are significantly less gam anon meetings than there are GA meetings. Significantly less partners, parents, friends, siblings, feeling like they can tackle life with a CG and all that entails, but so many gamblers. I couldn't carry on with the controlling, angry man Mr P became, I didnt salvage our relationship, didn't even want to. Mr P changed everything about himself and waited for me.
Where you describe you are now, intolerable as far as I am concerned. It's not your fault, it's not up to you to fix it.
So how are you feeling today, less lonely I hope.
Thank you guys. Your kind words of reassurance are so helpful 🙂 I do feel less lonely and depressed today. Talking about how you feel is definitely therapeutic.
We have not reconciled at this point although I know if I were to say the word he would happily step right in where we left off. I'm not prepared to do that though. He has text to say he is taking steps to ban himself from bookies, websites etc but I said all these efforts should be to fix himself first then perhaps our relationship in the future.
I just worry the trust will never come back? Can a relationship survive with suspicion bubbling under the surface? X
I trust Mr P with my life, but not the bank cards.
There's different ways of being that can work, financial trust can be separated out and binned and you still seem to be a normal couple on the outside and still feel like a normal couple, if your gambler is in recovery that is. An active CG is a very different, difficult matter.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
