Just found out completely overwhelmed

Hi, DfH,

I'm sorry to hear that you're caught up in this nightmare, not a club any of us wanted to join.

It's too early to think about the big decisions. You've had a terrible mess thrown at you and addiction involves deceit, finding out must have been a dreadful shock. If he wants to overcome the addiction, there's a lot he can do but actions speak louder than words. Mainly, he should go to GA, and follow their advice. GC offer counselling. If you can see what he's doing, that would give you some belated assurance.

But and it's a big but, do take note of this: At the moment, I suspect that everything is focused on him, CGs are selfish and self pitying. It's really, really important to move your focus from His Gambling back over to you. Buy into this idea, or you'll stay overwhelmed. In order to cope, you need support and accurate information. Regardless of his reactions, you must make sure that you get advice and support for you. Read the forum and get as much information as possible about CG behaviour. Call the helpline, also go to GamAnon meetings, even if it involves babysitters and travel. And get real life support from a trusted friend or relative, it's huge for you.

The other thing is to protect yourself financially. You can't trust him in financial terms, get rid of any notion that you should simply because he's your husband. Trust your doctor/bank manager etc but don't trust a CG. Have as many assets as possible in your name, avoid joint accounts, change all passwords and PINs and don't share them, don't store them on a shared computer, do keep all cards and cash safe. Believe what you see in financial documents, it may coincide with what he's told you but you need to check. Get credit reports in your name and his from all three credit reference agencies, so that you can see the true state of the debt.

Don't bail him out by taking credit in your name, it doesn't help.

He probably won't want you to tell anyone? No need to denounce him on social media but I did tell whoever needed to know - his family, so that they would know not to give him cash, the children (age appropriate), the school, a few of my trusted friends.

Take care of you.

CW

Thank you both.

This morning he has contacted gamcare and sought face to face help.

He has handed over all finances to me. I have changed all pins and passwords to ones he can't even guess. He has given me all his cards which I have locked away with a key only I have.

There are no debts as such as he had been stealing (all other finances are ok). Fortunately we never did have joint accounts (this is how I didn't spot the money that was going in and out - it was all through his)

I can see he is genuine about wanting to make changes. He is currently phoning GA - would this work in conjunction with the counselling or is it separate?

There has been full disclosure to family, friends, my boss and some people in the community as this is going to be public! - that for me is so bad but actually I think having so many people know is helping him. They have all been amazingly supportive and accept this is an illness and that he needs help rather than shouting at.

Before I let him back in the house yesterday I had checked all three credit scoring agencies and there is nothing I didn't expect there. I have also checked all pending transactions and standing orders etc. To make sure that none are going places I don't know about.

I totally agree with the expectation of wanting a patient calm and quick response to anything I am questioning. I told him that I was not the liar here - if I had doubts he had to accept that he had put them there and this was the reaction to it. I have shouted and got angry with him and then cried a lot. I know there should be no ultimatums but I had very strict rules for allowing him back yesterday. Hopefully we can work through it but time will tell