Just found out my husband has had a secret gambling addiction for 2 years

Merry go round thank you for taking the time to reply. You are so right, love doesn’t make it okay and I need to stop trying to trust him, i am just so desperate for a normal life I am probably trying to rush it but I don’t trust him at all. My counsellor is from Breakeven and so is his. We both have over the phone counselling.

Shep 72 thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for your honesty. My partner has admitted he has a gambling problem and wants to get better, so that is really positive. However, he keeps things from me and I find it hard to get everything out of him, not only is he a cg but he is a compulsive liar, I guess they go hand in hand but he lies repeatedly until I find out. He’s only come to me a handful of times to tell me when he has gambled, which I can be much more supportive of, compared to when I just find out through the lies. I know he has no credit rating and he has debts but not sure the extent but had my fair share of bailiffs at the door which has been a low point each time. He had counselling today and he said it went well and they are working well together but you only get 12 sessions with Breakeven so what happens after that? I’ve taken him off the phone account and we will have to gradually pay off this gambling bill but all I want is a certain and happy future not this living from day to day not knowing and all the anxiety. I love him so much, I know this isn’t him, I know it’s just a bad part, he’s not a bad person but sometimes the pain makes it blurry and I find it difficult to cope. Is the trust back in your relationship now, everything is back the way it should and there is this hopeful light at the end of the tunnel? That’s what I want. I would love him to have his own money one day, is that possible at the stage you are at? I know it is a long term thing as you have said but I would find it encouraging to know the truth and what I am in for. It is the unknown I struggle with. Thank you for saying you understand the pain and hurt, I don’t think he ever will but it’s nice to know that someone understands what I am going through.

You have done so amazingly well Shep72, I really hope our lives work out the way yours has done.

All the best xxxxx

Hi anonymous after counselling he can go to GA. You can go to gamanon. We all want a normal life, but what is normal? I don't think my cg will never gamble again, he will if he chooses to. My advice would be not to trust, be on your guard. My cg has no money, no access, cash and receipts for necessities.

After the 12 sessions your husband should realise his triggers and see how gambling has taken him away from living a normal life. (I’m only quoting what I’ve learnt, I decided not to try counselling). I may be wrong here, but this may prevent a relapse in the short term, however long term something else needs to be in place. Honestly, I hope you prove me wrong!

Hi

It's fine not to trust him now and going forward. Love and trust can be mutually exclusive. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he asks although he never does but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. Virtually all savings are in my sole name and large purchases are made through my sole account and registered in my name. I open post I don't like the look of. He accepts the necessity for full transparency as one of the consequences to the way he behaved. This level of vigilance obviously isn't most people's idea of normal but it works for us and you do adjust. You can't control whether he gambles or not. You can do everything you can to mitigate potential losses of family funds. Your decision lies with how you want to live.

Great words above from Lethe.

The part about transparency is oh so true.

Partners of CG’s cannot ever blame themselves or spend time trying to find out why. The one-day at a time saying is spot on. When recovery starts you need barriers in place to help you both. If the CG doesn’t agree then they have something to hide or aren’t totally committed to recovery.

The CG must put all the losses behind them. Of course debts need paying back but don’t stretch yourself doing so. Plan for the future and one without you know what.

Now I will sit down and enjoy the football for the sport it is and not a way of putting misery in my life.

All the best.

Iv sat here and read through all this ... Crying .. Sounds strange but I don't feel as crazy now... Now that I know I'm not the only one who feels all these emotions... It's all so rubbish:. It really is... What an awful Addiction to have... I have finally talked to my partner via text this evening... He's calmed down now and is no longer using me as a factor... Iv told him I can't be his super hero.. As much as I want to be... He needs to save himself ... He's told me he's sorry .. Sorry for being angry .. It's all such a mess .. Iv told him I'm slowly breaking ... I hope this will actually ring in his ears now... Things need to change ... I can't live like this and my girls don't deserve this ... I'm preying he's home in time for his counselling session.. He's put off the last one through shame ... Thanks for all your honesty ... It's an awful evil addiction... The gambling industry needs more regulation .. They are ruining families and lives yet still get to do this ?? It's crazy... Then charity's and the NHS have to step in pick the pieces !!! When most of these disgusting companies are all registered offshore so pay no tax !! I can't bear the adverts ! I can't bear the shops... He has gambling over his phone bill also .. Took a while to admit it .. He told me it was due to us going to Rome and he didn't turn off data roaming .. He eventually owed up when I told him I was going to get a lad from work to call his phone company and pretend to be him to get a phone bill .. He wants to get better ... I just prey he's strong enough because I really can't live like this anymore

Morning,

Sorry to see what’s happening.

There’s a lot of advice on this part of the forum about how to protect yourself financially, I won’t repeat it but it is a priority.

Move your goal posts, from “making” him change to making you change. You’ve tried at length to make him change and the result is that he’s still gambling to the point of your desperation. And focusing on the morals of the gambling industry (or lack of them) won’t solve your immediate problems.

The reality is if things have to change, you’re the one to change them. That’s because you have no control over what he does or doesn’t do. You can express an opinion, you can learn to set boundaries as to what you will or won’t tolerate but you can’t “make” him do anything, as you have already found out.

The three Cs: you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. He’s him, you’re you, he’s not a toddler and you’re not his mother. He’s an adult and recovery involves him taking responsibility for himself and you taking responsibility for yourself. Clearing up his mess time after time is fine for a two year old son but not for an adult life partner. Doing for him what he would do for himself if he were a mature adult enables the gambling and the associated dependence and immaturity to continue.

You can learn how over time to live a better life for yourself, without the chaos and the drama. It’s actually relearning, because at the moment addiction is what’s familiar, so it takes time and it may get worse before it gets better. The best way is via Twelve Steps, at GamAnon and/or CoDA and if drink is also an issue, at AlAnon as well. Start attending meetings for your own sake, to get help and support for you to learn a healthier mindset. He may not like it, in which case tell him that it’s necessary because of his addiction and that GA can help him. If you think counselling will help you (available via GC), then set it up for you and go. But focus your energies on what you can do to help you, not what he should be doing.

When addiction is in full force, it corrupts the thought processes, it’s irrational and illogical. Trying to have a rational and logical conversation with an addiction is a dangerous exercise, it’s sense meeting nonsense, it ends up in frustration at the lack of logic and also it’s a chance for the gambler to manipulate. Best avoided. Back off, leave the room, find something else to do.

In short, focus on you. Take care,

CW

Thank you CW, I currently have phone counselling which is via Breakeven ... So it is helping .. I used to get so angry and argue and tell him what I thought of him and throw stuff... This has stopped due to my counselling.. So I just don't even talk about it , when I do I'm rational now instead of being crazy and making orders ... It all looks so easy on paper to do this ... But in reality it's really hard ... I constantly think about my girls ... Why would he want to do this to them ?? He pays the rent and household bills, they have never not been paid via gambling so I guess I'm lucky in that sense .. I have access to everything , his bank , his PayPal , his credit file ... So I now at least know .. I occasionally stop checking ... So he admitted it this time after a lot of me asking if he had done it again... He told me the day after ... It's just a numbing feeling ... He's better than this ... He really is .... He knows that aswell .. He has private counselling and I'm glad that even if it does cost £200 a month ... I'd rather it go there than the bookies ..

Hello everyone, thank you for all these messages and for everyone who has shared. I really hope you can help me I really really need it. My partner has just told me he has gambled £7000 of his works money and he obviously doesn’t have receipts so he is about to get found out and lose his job. This is the worst thing he has ever done and I am at a loss. I have a call with my counsellor tomorrow thank goodness, but any advice? He said he wanted to lie to his manager and say he’s lost the receipts and I said just to come clean and say he has a gambling addiction and we will pay him back overtime? I can’t believe it he’s asking me to be strong saying I’m doing very well but the thing is I’m not surprised. I knew something like this would happen but not to this extent. We can’t pay it back. How can we borrow money without someone knowing he has a gambling addiction? Neither of us have good credit ratings so can’t actually borrow money, we have no savings and my salary isn’t enough to cover us both when he loses his job. Thank god I haven’t had children I guess. I don’t know how to feel, I know he needs to support but how can I do it? Also he’s f****d us. Sorry but not sorry for my language. We are f****d. Please can someone help me? I’m crying and I feel like I have no one in the world, yet I have to be strong for him. Happy Valentine’s Day. Also apologies for not replying to comments other people have made I have quickly read but seeking some advice and sanity from anyone that can advise me on what we do now? What he does with his work? Anything would be appreciated and wow do I need it. Thank you in advance. I hope you are all having better evenings xxxxxxx

Hi anonymous I don't know what you do. I think like you, better to confess than be found out. Also not worth getting into more debt by borrowing to pay it back. Call gamcare and talk to someone. I think you might get more replies if you start a new thread. Go to bottom of f&f page, button says 'new topic'.

Thank you Merry go round. I have just created a new topic. I’m glad that you agree with me that honesty is the way forward. He is going to lose his job regardless so I guess he has more chance of an agreement if he’s honest than found out? But probably not. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I can’t tell you how much I needed that xxxxx

Hello Anony Mous,

You're welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 or on our Netline if you'd like an immediate 1-2-1 chat with an adviser for some emotional support.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Hello Jess2205,

You posted that you're trying to find some counselling. If you're based in Britain you could consider GamCare's free counselling appointment services, that are available locally or online by videolink. You can call us to find out more on 0808 8020 133.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Thank you forum admin, I spoke to the sweetest lady called Gabby she pretty much just listened to me cry for half hour but it was lovely of her. Thank you for replying x

A friends k This thread has really helped me this morning to know I'm not the only one and how I'm feeling is ok, I've just found out that my partner has been gambling and it has been going on for years even before he met me yet neither him or his family ever told me. We are now in a situation where I can't afford milk for our six month old son he's ran up thousands of pounds worth of debt through pay day loans and borrowing money from friends he's lied to me every day telling me that we had so much in the savings account when really he has taken everything. I have also just found out I'm pregnant with our second child. I moved out for a few days to my parents but they live an hours drive away I'm now back at our house but it's like living with a stranger yesterday I was trying to understand but today I feel anger and can't see how we can ever come back from it I don't know what to do, I don't know if I can live a life having to manage all finances but then I still love him, he's even stole our six month olds money box and taken all the money from it I've shared a home and a bed with this person and he's never thought to tell me let me live a lie thinking we can get a mortgage extend our family but the reality is that we have debts and no trust my heart is currently breaking can couples come back from this? Any help advice would be massively appreciated thank you