Lasting affects of being married to an addict!

Hi

Sadly the pains of the past are not being healed.

Because of the pains fears and frustrations there was a alck of intimacy in my life.

The recovery program helped me get honest with my self.

The recovery program helped me how unhealthy I was.

Control issues often indicated how inadequate and inept insecure I use to be.

The recovery program helped me abstain from unhealthy habits then helped me learn to respect my self.

The recovery program helped me understand how unhealthy I use to be.

Dave L

Thanks Dave, I appreciate your response. 
when you say the recovery programme is that for gamblers or for spouses etc? 

how do I access it for either myself or my husband? 

Im so encouraged to hear you are doing well that there is hope to move forward. Man life is a mixed bag isn’t it 🫣 

The problem you have is so much will have happened over a sustained period of time its damaged you. 

He has to understand the damage he has one. An addiction is a life time issue always a battle. 

I am a gambler and my ex has a substance addiction.

I had to get rid of him and i know it sounds bad how can i have that double standard.

Well i can as he has tortured my brain for more than a decade. He has took my personal things and sold them for drugs. He has brought trouble to my door and police. And been around other woman hasnt come home some nights. These are things ive never done to him

Honestly i dont think i can ever forgive him. I need to work on myself. I used gambling as an escapism and his actions were part of my own triggers.

What i am saying really is you deserve to be happy and around an addict life is hell. Thats why i will be single until i can be at least a year free of this so i dont put another person through what i have experienced.

Ive lived through both sides of this and its bad for the mental health. Some times we need to take ourselves out of the situation to heal.

He needs to understand the pain he has caused and acknowledge that 

Hi Cassie 

call Gamcare and talk to someone. You can have counselling sessions and understand your feelings. 

you could also find a local Gamanon meeting where others will support you and understand 

it seems unrealistic to not be able to talk about your feelings. Has your husband stopped by himself? Does he control finances?

part of recovery is to make amends and to acknowledge the damage you have done to others. You learn to live one day at a time. We don’t wake up one day and all is forgiven and forgotten. 

Being married to an addict is hell and we have to learn to detach and let go. We have to acknowledge our enabling and change our behaviour. You shouldn’t feel you are walking on eggshells, that is life when they are active.

Gambling affects everyone connected to the gambler. If he is recovering there should be no secrets. Isolation is key to addiction.

you can talk on here, write you feelings and see if that helps. I strongly advise you to seek real support as well. Call gamcare to start.

@c1zji0orgs Hi, 

I was the gambler and I hid it from my husband. I came clean in 2022 but I wasn’t completely honest and we didn’t put things in place. Before I knew it, I was back to gambling and worse than before. I pretended everything was ok ans dreaded any conversation about money (he was very relaxed and didn’t even have banking app set up!!) and I’d come up with more lies! 

What I’m trying to say is, can you be sure he isn’t still gambling? Doesn’t want to talk about it, gets upset and blames you for saying something wrong, could be him hiding something? I’m only saying this because I did it! And it took another 2 years before I hit rock bottom and it all came out again! My husband now has all financial control. 

That was last July and I’m currently 316 days GF. 

You must look out for yourself, you are important in all this too. Definitely go on the 1-2-1 chat or call to speak to someone. 

Good luck,

Claire x

@c1zji0orgs 

Hi

My wife told me that it was my lies and betrayals that caused her pains.

My insecurity became her insecurity.

GA Rooms of recovery are for the Gamblers.

Gamanon Rooms of recovery are for the partners or supporters of the Gamblers.

It is helpful to drive your partner to the meetings.

It was very hard for me to walk in to the doors of recovery at the beginning.

Yet now it seems a very healthy helpful place for me now.

I did move from meetings to find the healthiest meeting for me.

Dave L

A week late here but I’m very much on board with what you’ve said - in a similar boat here. 

I felt @cpparch has a good point - I also wonder if he’s completely in the clear. My partner went back to gambling after I knew about it, and spent a long time making me feel bad about if he thought I was even close to checking up on him. The walking on eggshells/not wanting to poke the bear sounds horrible to live with, and also more like living with a current problem than a past problem. Not emotionally sustainable for you (and can’t be pleasant for either of you)

I don't have any advice other than to find a therapist who you really feel a connection with. I had one-to-one support from our local gambling games organisation but it didn’t really touch the sides, as there wasn’t good rapport. If you can afford private therapy, a lot of practitioners offer a free intro call to get a feel for how they work, if they’re a good fit.

Write a list of questions, talk to a few and find the right one for you. I made a shortlist from here https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw97SzBhDaARIsAFHXUWD2Lc1LQ3AhUlw4yZ-OyeyqjKycBhO6ZdLSOvLpZ9uZxGucHBQns94aApUYEALw_wcB

Give yourself some time to focus on your own needs and boundaries. Living with an addict is crappy for the self esteem - hope you can start to rebuild yours. It’s slow progress here but we’ll get there. 

Sending solidarity 

Hey all thanks for all the input. I’m sorry I haven’t been on I’m not the best at the old technology took me ages to find this thread again 😂

so to answer a few questions. I have full control of the money and generally we are doing good honestly it’s more the emotional side when I get triggered it’s like he can’t handle seeing me so hurt cause he knows it’s because of his behaviours so it triggers him then and that’s why I can’t get into it with him. 
however we have had some really good conversations and are working on some of this stuff now to help with all this. He still doesn’t really like talking about it cause he’s so ashamed what he’s put us through. Do I just accept that or should I ask how he’s doing in that regard ? I’m not sure what would be the most supportive ? 

our lives now compared to a year ago is amazing . I see the effort he has made. I think that because I now feel I’ve some what a safe space and the fight or flight reaction is decreasing all this emotional stuff is coming up .. 

i may need to find a therapist to work through this because I don’t want the emotional overload to cause more problems when we are on the right path. 

the only thing I still find hard is although I’ve control of the money I literally need it all accounted for or I panic.. also is this normal or how do others handle this? 

I think I am so annoyed at how stupid I was , easily manipulated and I just took it for the sake of “ keeping a normal home “ for my kids. But I did hit rock bottom and that’s what caused the turn around. The evidence was infront of him of what his addiction had done to me mentally. 

I know better now but I think I don’t ever wanna be that fool again so I’m a little too controlling right now. I know I need boundaries and so does he so it’s about making that work while everyone feels safe. 

I really appreciate the comments it’s weird cause I’ve never discussed this before so it’s strange to actually have feedback. 

I truly hope all your journeys are filled with a lot of healing and growth too. This is definitely not the path anyone would choose to take. 🙏 

thanks