Hi, I am hoping for some advice.
My mother has had a gambling problem for years, but has only recently started to come out of denial.
My story isn't as dramatic as some here, but she has amassed debts of at least 20,000, which she & my father are paying off through a mortgage and now also a personal loan.
She is going to counselling & is more open about her problem, although it has crushed her to have to admit it to us all - the extended family don't know.
The past month or so, my parents have run out of funds several times and my sister and I have paid for things to keep them tided over.
Today my mum asked me to transfer 100 into their joint account, saying she would hopefully pay me back next week, that my dad knew and that she promised she wouldn't "fritter it away".
I've given her 100, but said we need to talk about this as a family.
I have a well-paid job and have told them I will help them, so I feel mean not giving them money. But it's obvious that it's not a good idea and it is placing a burden on me.
How do I talk to my mum/family about this? What boundaries can I suggest so that I can help them without taking away her responsibility?
Don't lend money to an active compulsive gambler.
I would say buy her means that she might need in this tough times of her life but try and avoid lending money.
I guess the problem here is that it is your mum that has the problem and she is probably feeling like she has let you down as in her mind she should be looking out for you and helping you, but it's the other way around.
As much as I agree that you should not lend money to a compulsive gambler, it could possible do more harm to her by telling her that you wont lend her money, but will pay for the stuff she wants/needs. This almost makes her the child and you the parent.
Can you give the money to your dad as I assume that she can then go shopping with your mum or pay the bills etc. That way your not refusing her the money and your also not demoralising her by paying for stuff for her.
Also, have you addressed the addiction itself by stopping her gambling. Not knowing what it iis she gambles on makes it difficult to advise, but things like online gambling can be tackled by blocking accounts and self exclusion.
By the sounds of it you understand that the gambling is not your mums fault. It is difficult to explain but it's something that comes over us addicts that we struggle to get to grips with especially whilst we are gambling. You want to stop but something draws you back. Hopefully the counselling will help - and also get her signed up here as there is so much support.
I definitely think a sit down chat with your mum and dad to explain your concerns is the best way to go.
I hope this helps.
Take care
Craig
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