My partner of 6 years has always gambled. I never used to think much of it or be bothered by it until we had our daughter and were looking to move out. When we went to put in our first application on a flat and they asked for bank statements, I saw instant fear in his face and he admitted that there was no way we would get accepted due to the gambling coming out his account.
I was gutted but I got on with it, he made sure to no longer gamble out his bank account and only went into the bookies to place bets.
We finally got accepted for a flat over a year later and I thought everything was fine and well. During this process of getting the flat we had to send over proof of savings, my partners self employed so has mainly cash savings, he put the money into bank account to send over and I realised a week or so later that he had gambled every bit of savings he put into his account. That’s when I realised how much of a problem he had. We spoke about things and he openly admitted that he has a serious problem and any money that goes into his bank he has the urge to gamble it. He set up bans on his bank accounts etc.
I of course paid for most of the things for our flat as he didn’t have savings etc, I then realised his mum and gran gave him money for stuff for the flat which I didn’t see a penny of and he gambled. Again I was gutted, I’m working part time due to having a young child, and I have more bills to pay out than he does and he’s gambling any kind of financial support that could have went to me to help me pay for things. I noticed then he was using his mums bank account to gamble etc. He told me he’d put a ban on his mums account and that would be the end of it. I threatened him multiple times that I would leave if this keeps happening as it was ruining our relationship, also the fear of him not being able to afford to help me out with bills etc as every bill comes out my account.
so for a while he seemed to be doing so much better, I then came across that he is still gambling extremely bad, he has a revolut card that he now uses to gamble and he deleted the app off his phone etc so I could not see the money coming in and out his bank, he is also taking money from his mum to gamble as he can’t afford it himself, putting himself into debt with his mum.
Im in complete shock at how much he has gambled (we’re talking nearly £2000 in one day) and I just feel so defeated.
The lies and the effort he goes to hide it from me is just worrying.
He refuses to sign up to anything to speak to people and gain help.
He turns the blame on me saying I haven’t supported him enough etc and if we’re going through a rough patch in our relationship that’s the cause of it. It’s draining and I’m completely lost at what to do.
Thank you for reaching out.
It is not uncommon for gambling to place a strain on relationships. There is help available for relationships going through a difficult period due to one partner's gambling. You might like to consider accessing help through these relationship counselling services:
Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/
Click Click Relationships https://click.clickrelationships.org/home/all-issues/
Our helpline is available 24/7. We would also recommend passing the number for our helpline on to your partner. Our helpline team can signpost your partner to appropriate financial support as well as refer your partner to our money management service.
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Thank you
Hey
I'm sorry you are going through this. I did the same but way less than your partner, I told my partner he hadn't been there for me, it's not that he hadn't been there it's just he didn't ask me how I felt etc etc, iv done this week g/f & he hasn't spoke to me about it ... Maybe he's upset about it.
My partner bailed me out too, this is my last chance & I know that.
Reading yours made me realize my partner may be feeling hurt too so thank you!
It is horrible when we get trapped in it, we don't think of the loss, we think "just one more deposit etc etc" then end up screwed which makes us want it more to get it back.
Hi
This sounds really stressful. It’s a huge strain when someone you have children with is a gambling addict (I know from experience…)
I’d really urge you to get support for yourself. You can access free counselling (through gamcare, for example), and there are groups for women affected by others’ gambling. Obviously he needs to get help too but you can only choose what you do.
I’d also suggest (having been to such groups myself) that you set some red lines, and be prepared to act on them. You say you’ve threatened to leave if he continues to gamble, but you haven’t left. Try to make sure any ultimatums you give from now on are things that you’re able to do. And then do them. As he now feels that you won’t leave however much he gambles.
He’s making things insecure for you and your child with his behaviour, even if he can’t help it. It’s really ok to look out for you and your child first, since you’re currently more able to do that than he is.
I really hope things get easier. You might have to make lots of changes for that to happen. But you can do it. Get advice, get support, protect your interests and don’t do it on your own.
best of luck!
I've been in this situation, but as the gambler. I can tell you that we are liars and will say anything to avoid being found out. We think we are in control and everything will work out shortly. A big win will come and we will stop. The big win doesn't come, and even if it does, we wont stop. It's not until the gambler admits to themselves that they are out of control that recovery can begin.
From what you've written, your partner is not ready to quit. They believe they are in control and can manage their addiction, even faced with the facts. In order for them to quit for good, they need to completely honest. All bank statements (even the hidden ones), all credit reports, all blocks, everything needs to be on the table. If this doesn't happen, if there is one little secret, this will not work. One little secret will grow into several and they will be back at square one.
It's a huge change to admit everything and then give up a part of your life that has been your happy place. Even with all the loses and stress, gambling is our happy place. Weird! It can be done though, but only with true acceptance and honesty. My wife couldn't see past the lies. It would have been so easy for me to go back to gambling as a comfort to my pain, but i was that committed i didn't. Over 4 months into recovery i now life apart from my ex, my family home, my stepson, my dog, but i also don't gamble and its the best feeling ever. For me I was ready to quit. the ending of the relationship added strength to my motivation. Gambling ruined everything for me, but sometimes a tough ending can be the start of a new beginning.
Make yourself financially safe. Check your own credit file (just in case). Put blocking software against your email addresses. Once you are happy, its time to have it out. If they don't quit, you will end it eventually. It will ruin you. Might as well get the ultimatum out the way now. Apply some pressure. If they wont quit to save their relationship, then they have chosen gambling over you. Harsh to say it, but addiction can be strong. They can beat this, they can do it alone, but it will be easier with support, but much more stress and possibly heartache for you. A tough spot and i don't envy your next few days. Good luck, and please keep coming here for support. You may be helping others with your story too.
Stay strong 👍
@yb0uezox32 Evening user 1309
Some great advice from everyone, all really relevant.
I supported my son for 9 years and he only took his decision to stop when I stopped enabling and put my boundaries in place. As Affected other , we have to look after ourselves as gambling harm can take us down as well. We can not save other people from gambling, not even the people we love. Self hatred is really common but that canpften not last long before they gamble again.
Keep putting helpful suggestions towards them.
Protect all your accounts, I did Gamban and gamstop on myself. Kept a check on my credit score and most of all got therapeutic help for myself. Then once my son hit his rock bottom i was strong enough to really support him in his chosen journey of recovery .
Relationships can then heal eventually.
Patsy
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