Lost

Hi,

If he is, he'll find it at GA meetings and or the GC helpline, also via this forum. The help is there. But only he can choose whether to accept it. If he chooses instead to keep on gambling and sink lower in the process, there's nothing you can do.

You can't save him from himself, you can't make that choice for him. You can only choose whether to keep on paying. Even if you just pay for essentials, you free up "his" money for gambling. You can also choose whether or not to tolerate his behaviour.

Get help for you, from this forum, from the GC helpline, from GamAnon, from your close friends or family.

Look after yourself.

CW

Thank you- he's been gambling for years (15) there's always been a small element of control, but he's out of control now. Still goes to work still pays the bills, but he's really ill ( sleeps a lot and beats himself up) he's tried GA, he's been to the doctors ( useless) and he's looking to me to help him, and I don't know what to do

Hi,

You know the one about CGs being manipulative? He wants help...really he does but all the help on offer is no good, useless, so he'll keep on gambling because he can't get help. Or is it that he refuses all help because he wants to keep gambling?

And he looks at you, feebly and helplessly, so that you end up feeling responsible, you have to sort him out or else.

Or else what? He'll gamble? Self harm?

Perhaps put the onus back on him. Tell him you'll support him (if you still want to) but you can't do it for him. Remind him that it's his choice whether or not to gamble. It's his choice whether or not to go to meetings- they do work for those who commit to the programme. It's his choice whether or not to seek help from GC. He can't justify his gambling by blaming everyone and everything else. He's responsible for what he does.

Mental health services are poorly resourced but persevere with the GP. Or if they're that useless, change surgery. But there's no need to be fobbed off. Again, though, he has to choose to accept the help.

Never mind his crying, get help for you, so that you can cope.

Take care,

CW

Thank you for your replies- I must admit I'm not very good with him. I wouldn't admit to him that I'm trying to see what I can do to help. I'm a bit of a ' shoulder shrugger' and the usual words that come out of my mouth are: what do you expect me to do about it. I have control of most monies and he lets me know if he has any extra money coming in so that I can remove it from him but he admitted that he secretively saves and then gambles that away. It's not so much the money aspect it's the mental state he's in afterwards ( the continuous replaying of the bet in his mind, how he should have pulled from it earlier than he did, replaying his strategy etc etc....) he can't explain why he does it. It was him that phoned doctors, GA because I don't get involved, I just watch him sleep and beat himself up ( mentally not physically) for about 2 weeks after his gambling spree and wait for the next time ( could be a week a month or a year) it just feels like part of our life which no one knows about. unfortunately in the line of work he's in he can't afford not to have a debit card- but I think I need to look at that again. He has ownership of nothing else and I've never bailed him out, I've never been cross and I've never been sad. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm just wondering whether I should help this time because in 15 years he hasn't managed it himself and he's asking for it and he's never asked me before. I have this time removed the access to what he was doing. Oh I don't know- sorry

He is very manipulative though, and I'm fully aware of this.

I thought it was just me who wasn't much good with my CG, I have financial control, which is the main thing, but struggle to communicate.

It's a sad life if the addict behaviour continues, you can't have an equal life partner relationship with it present. I am or was hoping for the fog to lift. I stayed thus far because I didn't know about the gambling but I don't want to waste the rest of my life waiting for a change that isn't going to come. And there doesn't sound much in it for you. Do you have support?

But it's still up to the CG, whether to commit to the program and rejoin the human race or wriggle round the barriers and gamble.

CW

Hi CW, it is sad. I watch a perfectly intelligent human being turn themselves into a wreck for what? Over the years he has been gambling ive managed ( as best I can) to stay detached and not get involved. Probably because he has not put us financially at risk. I realise for others it maybe harder to stay detached if they have been put into debt etc over it. But perhaps I've been lying to myself because his mood does have an affect on the household and I realise that I've been snapping at people today when I'm normally quite chilled. In the past I've managed to completely switch off from it and basically tell him: tough, he's done it to himself. Perhaps the years have taken their toll and that's why I'm on here ( most unusual for me to be on a forum) it's not nice, but from reading the posts on here the fact that I've done nothing doesn't matter, because there's nothing I can do anyway. So what do i do? Walk away from somebody I've known for most of your life because I can't stand the state they get in after they've gambled, or stay and keep ignoring those down times- which quite clearly I'm finding it harder to do. Perhaps I've grown tired of it now. It's hard