Lost and Numb

Hi, time4honesty

I'm really sorry for the delay in replying. I've only just seen this! Thankyou for your comments. It's nice to hear other people's experiences.

Unfortunately at the moment a happy family feels almost impossible as much as I wish we could be. After we'd talked and decided he was to come home on Saturday (he was happy for all the barriers to be in place) and we would work through things he's decided he's 'not ready' and wants to be 'more sorted' before he comes home. Meanwhile I'm left to bring up our Daughter alone with no financial support from him. Part of me sees some logic, another part of me feels like he's living a bloody easy life responsibility free whilst I'm a single parent.

So once again I'm left thinking do I just get on with this on my own and call it a day! X

Hi,

Unfortunately you may well end up a single parent, it will be hard either way. My children have grown up with his addiction and I worry about the damage.

But why no financial support from him? Perhaps you could get advice from the Child Support Agency? Or Citizen's Advice?

Take care,

CW

Just a little update, sorry it's taken a while - life is busy with a 12 week old baby!

To be honest there's not been much change. I asked to talk after he decided he 'wasn't ready' to come home, it ended with him just getting up and walking out as he couldn't take the home truths. Since then it's been minimal contact for him to arrange to see our daughter and no mention about 'us' or the 'future'.

Part of me still holds out hope that we can work this out. He starts a new job next week so will be working out of the betting industry which can only be a good thing. However he still has lots of debt which he is struggling to keep controlled. He's living the easy life with no family commitments, gets to come home from work and do what he wants, sleep through the night, doesn't have to think about anyone bar himself. I've asked him before if that's the life he wants because he can have it - he said not but I'm starting to wonder.

Im getting used to being a 'single parent' and I think the longer it goes on the more confident I will be to not go back to him unless I'm happy and things are done in my terms. Because in the past I would have gone back and struggled to sort everything myself and been unhappy - well not this time. I've proven to myself in the last 4 weeks that I can manage without him, even after an operation. It's up to him now to 'make the right noises' if he wants to get us back together, but up to now I'm not hearing them.

I have a pretty hard few weeks ahead, it's our wedding anniversary and my brother is getting married, which means all my family will be sending us cards and expecting to see him at the wedding and as of yet I havnt told any of them that we arnt currently together. I have no idea what to say... I feel like I've failed as no one in my close family has divorced, they are all married for a long time with kids (which is what I always wanted to be). I've not got long to find the courage and decide what to tell them, it's an added stress I really could do without!!

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble again

Hi, Ladybird,

Glad to hear you're a bit stronger.

One of the things that kept me in the marriage is a fear of failure but there's no success in managing -or not managing - a relationship with an active gambler. My husband is in recovery for the time being but abstaining, whilst essential, isn't enough on its own, we need to behave like a couple again and we're trying to remember how. Not easy, I don't recommend it. On the other hand, a relative of mine did manage it successfully fifty years ago, when it was much harder to escape. It blew up when the children were small, he admitted his weakness, she accepted it, they both worked round it with all barriers in place and they were able to respect each other and stay married for forty years. It can be done but it takes the commitment.

Focus on what's best for you and junior. Your parents know and support you, that's the main thing.

Take care,

CW

Thanks for your message CW.

My husband is still acting like he's doing the right things and I'm the one being unreasonable. He didn't text for nearly 4 days to ask how his daughter was - his excuse; he's been busy! I bet he wasn't too busy to smoke nearly 20 a day in those days - it's a sore subject as he did quite before we got married but started secretly again when his gambling got out of hand and now can somehow afford to smoke but not pay his way for his daughter! Am I being unreasonable expecting a daily text to check on her? After all non of this is her fault and everyone keeps saying too me 'has he been in touch' 'has he been round'. Everyone, myself included think if he really wanted to have made this work he would be doing everything he could to be with his family at any opportunity instead he's doing the complete opposite. He's not seen her since Thursday and has not yet asked/told me when he's free to see her again. The more he's acting like this and not bothering with his daughter the less I care about is staying together as a family.

Last night I finally told some other family members as its our wedding anniversary on Sunday and my brother gets married next sunday and everyone would have been expecting to see him. They've all been great as you would expect. The more people I tell the more real this feels! At times I think I know what I want and make a decision then something makes me think again! It's still so hard to think we should be celebrating our first wedding anniversary on Sunday and have had the happiest year of our life instead the last 10 months have been hell, full of arguments and tears. With my little girl being the only thing keeping me going.

Ah this is all such a mess, part of me just thinks I should pack all his stuff up and drop it off and call it a day and start over. I've even looked into moving house to be closer to my support, my parents. But can't quite put my finger on what is stopping me.

It's been a week since my husband last saw our daughter. One text I've had asking how she is,bi told him she's been unwell. That was 3 days ago and no contact since to ask if she's any better, but I've just noted he's had chance to go on Facebook and update his employment status and reply to some messages!

Im so angry! I feel so sad for my daughter, she doesn't even seem to register with him at the moment. Starting to realise we are definitely better off without him.

So tomorrow's our first wedding anniversary, great...

Hi Ladybird

I am so sorry that things are so awful for you right now. Life is certainly not easy for those living with a compulsive gambler. There is nothing I can say to help you but I did want you to know that I understand and am thinking of you! You will get through this ... you are just in the eye of the storm!

Take care

Cathy

Hi, Ladybird,

It is hard, my sympathies but no easy answers. You're doing the best you can for you and your daughter and that's all that matters.

Look after yourself.

CW

Hi Ladybird, I'm tempted to write a load of expletives but I'll only get edited! Tell who you want, shout scream, get mad on here but whatever you do, don't cry tears for him in front of your baby! You alone are a million times more a family than he could ever be whilst his commitment is to gambling! Never underestimate your strength & be proud of how you are dealing with this! I don't understand your pain, I never could, but I know how much growing up with a CG hurts & I implore you to put yourself & your family first over his needs! Any strength you have left can be his but until he is ready there isn't a d**n thing you can do to bring this type of fool to their senses...Took me 30 years to figure it out, I just hope your fool gets a grip before he has nothing! Updating Facebook indeed, makes my blood boil!

Keep fighting & keep looking after you - ODAAT

Thankyou all for your comments and messages of support.

It's over. I don't think there's a way back. He's trying to pin this failure on me, because I didnt 'give him a hug and say we could work it out'!! I said he could come home and we could work it out - he said he wasn't ready!! I'm sorry but you can 'sort' this anywhere - he should have waned to have sorted it out with his family by his side. He's also fixated on the fact I havnt worn my wedding ring in weeks - I told him when I first took it off that it was because he wasn't the man I married - and he's sone little since to convince me he is! Trying to to tell me he hasn't been 'living in a bubble' as I've said he was - running away to live at his friends with no responsibility to help with his newborn baby or his wife after her operation!

Part of me is relieved - he's still feeling sorry for himself and isn't facing up to what he's done to is emotionally. Still trying to blame me for us not working it out. He's given up so easily it makes me wonder if he ever wanted this.

Onwards and upwards - it's my brother wedding this weekend with all my family, this will be awkward, but I hope it doesn't put a dampener on their special day

Dear Ladybird, how are you getting on? How was your brother's wedding? How was the bride's dress? 🙂

I have read your thread and I can imagine how devastated you are at the moment. The man who I love and who I wanted to get married to is an active gambler (a heavy one with suicide attempts in the past, thousands of debts etc.) and we are not together. I have accepted the situation and moved on with my life, however, my heart is not at peace when I think of him and all the others just ruining their lives...

You will get through this, it's not your life - only a life situation and it is as it is. The situation will either change or end or it may undergo a polarity shift. Look how easily things change - the same condition that was good yesterday or last year has suddenly or gradually turned into bad. The happy wedding and honeymoon become the unhappy divorce or the unhappy coexistence. In the same way the things will be get better and you will remember all this as a bad dream, just give it a bit of time.

As gamblers in recovery write here - no one can help them until they decide to stop themselves. Generally, these are emotionally unstable people and instead of addressing their deepest issues they just run away (especially men). However, your thoughts, attitudes and healing intentions can influence the physiology of your husband, maybe the only thing that you can do now is to pray for him and that's all, you need to get on with your own life and the life of your babygirl. But don't run mental movies in your head about how your life will be etc. just find your peace and everything will fall into place.

Helen

Hi Helen

Thankyou for your message. The wedding was beautiful, and the bride stunning (as always). I had a few wobbles, once on the vowes and then whilst eating dinner my first dance song came on as background music. But generally was busy with baby and bridesmaid duties so was kept occupied.

I am starting to see how I can do this on my own, but soon I'm going to have to pack up all his stuff and he's going to collect it. This will be another brutal reminder of what has happened and remind me how real this is. As there are stil times where I just sit and think this is a bad dream and hasn't happened.

As much as I would love us to be a family unit, and I could have done all the steps needed to help with his addiction, the way he has acted since has been the unforgivable bit. He last saw baby on Wednesday and I fully accept that I have been away and busy this weekend so he hasn't been able to see her, but not one txt to ask how she is. It will be a week tomorrow since his last contact. This makes me more angry than thinking about how he's ruined our marriage, stole our wedding present and lied to me.

Now I'm back home my next job is to seek the advice of a family lawyer. Something I never thought I would ever do. And need to keep letting people know we're separated as its getting awkward. I struggle what to tell them when I say it, do I tell then the truth, do I just leave them guessing!? I don't want the rumour mill to go into over drive but somehow prt of me still feels the need to protect him despite what he's done.

Need to find this peace you speak of! I don't think I have any tears left to cry.

Hi again Kelly,

I've just also replied on your thread. But Thankyou for your kind words but I really don't feel strong. I'm good at putting on a happy face for others to see but deep down when I'm home alone just me and baby it's hard, so so hard. Everything is such a mess, I just don't know where to start x

Argh! How can you love and hate someone so much!?

Sat here watching him play with our daughter. He's good with her, this isn't how it was ment to be :'(