Lost and Numb

Dear kelly and ladybird. I think you are very brave and wise to get out of the relationship. It will be hard and painful right now but, in the long run, you will have a better life.

I am 51yrs old. I am a cg but was introduced to gambling by my cg husband (you can read my story on my thread which I've copied from my 2008 thread). I sit here, all these years later, in misery and in a sh*tty house. I have a good job, which is my saving grace, but when I am home my mood is so low. I resent my husband and I don't think I love him anymore. I regret my life and the wasted opportunities.

I would hate for you to look back, when you are my age, with these feelings and thoughts. A life with a cg is no life. Well done for escaping while you are young enough to make something better of your lives.

With best wishes,

Imuzbmad. X

Wow imuzbmad, I don't know what to say. Your words are very much appreciated and come at such a poinient time.

Today I watched my 30yr old husband pack all of his belongings into one small car. Nothing else in our house is solely his, he's paid for half of the sofa and bed over the last few years by means of 3 years 0% Intrest credit which was in my name but paid out of the joint account. Other than that nothing. Either I had bought or my family had bought us. To me I think that's quite pitiful for a successful store manager. To have to go back to his mums with just clothes, computer and a TV to show for 4 years of a relationship where he could afford nothing more than to cover half the mortgage and bills - and not even that since January.

Not once did he mention giving any money to help with our daughter. Bearing in mind I'm on maternity leave and go down to half pay this month.

I hope as you say we will be better off in the long run but that is hard to imagine as I sit here pondering my life as a single mum, with a 16 week old baby, a dog and a house. All on my own. This wasn't in my plan (Unfortunatly I'm one of those people that like to plan life) and now I have no idea what my future holds. X

Hi, Ladybird,

Your future doesn't hold the lies, emotional remoteness and debt that would go with staying married to an active CG. It's not easy for you now, you've been let down but time heals. Eventually.

Get all the help and support that you need from your friends, parents, GamCare, GamAnon, whoever, and put you and your daughter first.

Take care,

CW

CW, thanks again for your words. I hope time heals, because I'm at that inbetween stage where I feel more lost than I did when he admitted to gambling again. My plans for returning to work, child care etc, all need to change. Everything is different. I just need the strength to see this through.

Kelly, please do not let him make you feel like any of this is your fault. My husband tried that one too, but if I've learnt one thing from these forums it's to know you are not to blame.

No I havnt accessed face to face help, I'm not sure I could say what I feel to a stranger, or maybe I'd find it easier... I don't know. For now I like to check in here every so often when I have 5 min, reading advice and messages of support, even if not on my thread, give me strength.

I do have some close friends who are aware of the situation and a few of them are on maternity leave too so have been great at trying to occupy me. I hope your counciling session goes well, please let me know how you get on.

Take care, stay strong x

Hi, Ladybird,

I read your comment on Kelly's thread that he'd gone to GA and stopped gambling but I wonder? He's not behaving as if he's stopped, he's lied to you before about what GA told him and GA isn't just about abstaining, it's about turning back into a human being. The members, that is, the committed members, know full well that they don't just stop their addiction.

For what it's worth, I suspect you're still hearing the addiction talking. Possibly he can't help it but that's not your problem. Just don't think that he's stopped gambling whilst refusing to commit to you.

CW

Hey CW,

Thanks. Yes I'm thinking along similar lines to what you say. I (probably stupidly/naively) do actually think he has stopped gambling, however don't believe he is attending GA or counciling as he said he was going to. Which means this will be a temporary stop until something triggers a relapse.

Maybe one day in the near future I will ask him outright if he's attending and for proof, however I doubt with us no longer together and him not showing any real signs of wanting to fight for us that I would get an answer yet alone the truth.

He's over again tomorrow to see our daughter - it's by far the hardest time for me to see him playing so well with her. It's the only time I truely wish things were different 🙁

X

Hi Ladybird. Just reading through your post and some of the points made struck a cord with me. I won't give you my history but my GA got worse when I started working in the gambling industry combined with the ease of gambling on the Internet. I always knew I had an unhealthy addition which can change the person you really are. The one thing relationships always need is trust as this underpins marriage. Without this it just doesn't work. My wife knows I gambled and we have rules whereby I never gamble on the joint account. I've always had credit cards (pre gambling days) and these got worse with gambling over time as I struggled to deal with debt. (Before I met my wife) I'm extremely lucky now as I have a good job which has enabled me to almost clear these and give my wife and son what they need financially yet I still have urges to gamble and have relapsed recently. The difference is that I have a desire to change and made conscious decisions over the years to assist..for example I closed my own bank account to leave just one joint account, deliberately chose a career outside of the gambling industry and shredded credit cards on numerous occasions. In order for it to work your husband needs to show a real desire to change. My gambling addition got worse with financial pressures but the real desire to change was my mood swings, lack of sleep and the unhealthy change of personality that comes with gambling addictions and seeing my wife upset by my irrationale behaviour was the final straw. The only way you can ever build that trust back would be to take over his finances. Without his desire to change you are never going to get the man you married back. Good luck as you have been through so much - live is for living and you are an inspiration to those of us who can see the damage the GA causes.

Thankyou so much Neildoug,

It can't be easy sharing so much about your past with strangers but it was lovely to read. To know that you are determined to change and are trying your hardest to refrain from gambling. Even with a relapse I'm sure from the way you speak about your addiction you will overcome this blip in the road to recovery. Unfortunatly my husband doesn't seem to be as determined as you to rebuild the broken trust and to keep us together as a family. Instead he would rather move back to his mums, visit his daughter 1/2 times a week for a few hours and currently provide minimal financial assistance.

I don't claim to understand how it feels to have an addiction of any kind but I really cannot understand how he can show such disregard towards the care of his daughter. If I am away from her for a hour I'm texting to ask how she is... He has gone over a week without asking on 2 occasions. He has given me £300 back at the beginning of September, nothing since. Not even a 'sorry I can't afford to give you anything', just no mention of it. What am I supposed to feed her... Thin air!! Luckily I have very supportive parents and neither of us will go without but that is not the point. However you seem to understand that your wife and son should come first.

Well done for what you have achieved, I will be thinking of you and wish you well for your gamble free future. If only you could give my husband a kick up the a**e!!!

My friends and family have reminded me that it's my birthday tomorrow. Actually my first birthday as a Mummy. But I really don't feel like it, don't feel like celebrating. This is rubbish x

Hi, Ladybird,

My sympathies, we have a big family celebration coming up and organising it seems like one big chore, there's no fun in it, I can't be bothered.

But for our own sakes, we have to try. And if it's for own sake, that's good enough. Your birthday is your day, do something for you, be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

Now I will follow my own advice and go off to buy balloons in a cheerful frame of mind.

Take care,

CW

Thanks Ladies,

I think I used all my energy to smile and look happy for my brothers wedding 2 weeks ago and just feel a bit tired of always putting a smile on this week.

But as you both say, I should try to enjoy it. After all it will only be another thing he's managed to ruin and atleast I have a bit of control in not letting that be the case.

Well done for trying to enjoy lunch Kelly - I know how hard it is to enjoy a gathering when everyone around you are happy couples. It's a lonely place. And CW I hope your 'event' whatever it may be can be enjoyed if your putting so much effort into it! I hope the balloon shopping was successful and you managed it with a smile.

Hope this is the start of a better week for you Kelly

X

Hello

Thanks CW. My mum has come to stay we me and is helping with baby/dog/housework!!! My parents have been great and they totally support me which is amazing and makes me feel better about facing the future - when I'm ready to do that is another thing! Xx

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