Lost with what to do about my relationship

Hope your ok , I’m in the exact same position . And this site and advice people have given me the last few days has been a great help and support . 

It the hardest decision I’ve ever had to try and make  And I’m angry that I have been put in that position , but I’ve given so many chances only to be let down again ! I cannot and am not willing to live like that . How can you plan a future and relax in life when it always in the back of your mind it may happen again . Not only affecting me , my family and my kids That’s how I feel at the moment . And I feel guilty which I shouldn’t I know . 

Consider what’s best for yourself and Your own future 

I'm in the same position.  I discovered at the weekend that my husband has spent almost £7000 on online gambling during lockdown.  This is the third time he's followed his addiction to my knowledge, the first being a scratchcard obsession and the second was betting on sports.  Both of these were shocking to me but I rationalised his behaviour and accepted his explanations.  They also involved much smaller amounts of money.

I've said I'll stay in the relationship and support him through his recovery but I feel paranoid, thinking continuously of new questions.  I'm questioning everything that's happened since that first gambling spree and keep thinking that many of his actions were related to gambling (or covering for it) even though I have no evidence of that.  

I have waves of anger, suspicion, compassion, love, fury and irritation.  I am so worried about being proved a fool for staying with him but don't want to throw everything away if there's hope for recovery.  How can we make clear choices when we don't even know if we have the full truth?  I'm sorry that any of us are in this position!

Hi

Sorry to hear that you have all been dealing with these situations , I know it can be really upsetting and frustrating as  affected others going through this .

There's support available for affected others and of course your partners , and anyone affected by the situations, you are never alone .  You can contact us anytime on 0808 8020 133 or via our website on our Netline service , and please try to encourage your partners to also do this if they haven't already . 

Thank you all for posting and take care. 

Kirk 

Forum admin 

Hi to the 3 of you. Do you all see the common threads? Each situation is different the amounts of money are different but the solution is the same. You cannot fix your partners you can help and support but the fixing / healing must come from inside them. So what you do is very much dependant upon whether they want to stop, saying they are sorry , promising to stop is nothing if there are no actions to stop. Gamcare advisors are very understanding and can refer you for help with this situation. I'm really sorry that the 3 of you are going through this and all the emotions that you are having. I'm the recovering gambler in our family and obviously I can't speak for other gamblers, but I know that I did not intend to cause my family emotional/financial harm and I still feel very guilty about my actions. However I know through what I've learnt in GA that getting stuck in feeling guilty can lead to negative thoughts and then actions so therefore in recovery you have to move forward and change as without change nothing happens. I'm now more than 3months without gambling / I gambled every day for approx 2 years and infact a 20 year history with gambling mostly controlled. That is the thing about gambling addiction starts as an innocent flutter , escalates ...who knows why( anxiety/depression lot of time) then moves into the really destructive gambling...with big loses/lies/secrets/deceit. I really hope you can leave because it's no way to live. The life of me and my family massively improved and I'm happier calmer more stable . Best wishes to all of you 

Thank you for this reply , Its good to see it from the other side.    

In my case I have decided to call it a day , for my self and my family, I know he will do well and stick to GA meetings and counselling which he has before . But I cannot risk going through this again in the future , which I know will always be a risk . 
My situation may be more straight forward than others which I count my self very lucky for, as I own my own home and no real ties to each other , But this could have been a completely different story if our wedding had of went ahead .
I know he will get back on track and get focused again , I just can’t be the one to take another chance at this stage of my life . It’s has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make but Peace of mind is everything.

Wishing you the very best for your recovery and your future . 

GG66, I completely understand what you are saying, you must do what you believe is right for you and your children. Everyone is different I would of understood it my husband had walked away he chose not too but I'm under no illusions that a relapse into gambling would be fatal for us. But I have to do this primarily for me to get better this addiction took my mind completely for a while I'm 54now and I don't intend to waste another second on gambling. You are correct peace of mind is everything. I wish you all well and a good life going forward, you and the children and that your partner does the hard work and gets his life back on track.

I've just joined and would like to share a similar issue. My fiancee was keeping aside £1500 from a tax rebate of mine, in her savings account. We are very tight for money but getting £3000 from HMRC was really tiding us over until I get paid my first paycheck at the end of the month. Before this I had been unemployed for a year due to health problems, and we were living off benefits. 

Quite unexpectedly this morning she approaches me in tears and admitted to blowing all the money on online gambling. In the space of 3 days I guess. Money that could have helped towards our wedding, or even Christmas. 

I have also noticed that she drinks wine quite compulsively too... But had no idea of the 4 previous occasions of gambling. 

I am at a loss at what to do. I feel violated and robbed from. I feel that if I forgive her it will all just be repeated in 6 months (when the 'lock' on the site expires). How can I not trust my fiancee? I don't know what is in store and feel I must be so stupid to have let it all happen under my nose. 

Hi welcome to the site . Sounds to familiar . But do not ever blame yourself ,or feel stupid  I did the first time it happen and felt I could have done more . 
But I have Come to the realisation the he can only help himself 
Hopefully your partner will get help and stick to it , but it’s a long road ahead and a lifetime commitment. 
I personally decided I am not willing to live my life lie that . I. CAn not mind someone for the rest of there life , the trust is gone and without that I could not see a future 

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide .This site is a great support to all who are in the same position, so you know you are not alone and 100% not stupid for not seeing it . Because I never thought it would happen again and it did. 

Hi GG66 thanks. The crux of the question is whether she has a problem to deal with. She says she hasn't, that she's locked herself out, and that it will never happen again. But fortunately I know something about Addiction.

It could be a one off, but I'm not sure if I want to invest any more into a relationship where the trust is gone, and that a repeat could happen any time. It will be like living with a ticking bomb. "Don't worry - it won't go off".

So she's evasive even to check this site out. 

Posted by: GG66

Hope your ok , I’m in the exact same position . And this site and advice people have given me the last few days has been a great help and support . 

It the hardest decision I’ve ever had to try and make  And I’m angry that I have been put in that position , but I’ve given so many chances only to be let down again ! I cannot and am not willing to live like that . How can you plan a future and relax in life when it always in the back of your mind it may happen again . Not only affecting me , my family and my kids That’s how I feel at the moment . And I feel guilty which I shouldn’t I know . 

Consider what’s best for yourself and Your own future 

If you could go back in time, to the first time it happened, would things have been different? 

No because I loved him and still do , first time I felt sorry for him and believed every word and promise that it wouldn’t happen again. And there was no Real consequences for his  actions  at that time which I’m sure contributed to his belief I would forgive again .  I believe people deserve a second chance but not a third ! And when it effects so many other people I think it’s time to call it a day for my own sake too . Maybe I could have been more weary and became to lax about it as he was doing so well , but as others have said  it is a life time worry and something you have to be willing to live with.