My boyfriend of nearly 4 years has struggled with gambling since he was 18 and he’s now 22 nearly 23. He’s in £20,000 dept which he now has a dmp in place which he does pay. He has made positive changes like he wage is now paid into my account. However, he still finds ways to do it. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m 21 years old and our baby is only 6 months old and he never brought anything for her until recently as he gambled all of his wage each month while I was pregnant. He lies to me when he does it because he doesn’t want me to moan at him for doing it. But I can’t seem to understand how he can keep throwing money away when we have a baby. Or how he knows how much it upsets me and causes me anxiety but carry’s on to do so. He is making positive changed but I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for my child by staying with him. I love him but I feel selfish staying as i chose to put up with his gambling addiction yet our 6 month old doesn’t have a voice to say that she doesn’t want that in it effecting her life. Any advice on what I should do ?Â
Hi there @userrrrr21 and welcome to the forum. Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing your experiences.
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Hi am really sorry to hear this, is their any chance u get get your boyfriend to join this site, sometimes it helps talking to like minded people, the only person that can change this is himself he has to want to make this changes the sooner he can start recovery the easier it will get am currently 384 days clean its a serious illness however with support on here and putting all blocks in place it can improveÂ
@tazman Thank you so much for your help. I have suggested to him about joking GA groups and pages similar to this. However, he’s very good at telling me what I want to hear and not following through. Thank you so much for the advice I really appreciate! Congratulations as well that’s a great achievement!
Unfortunately only he can get the help and he might not want it however am sure there are other ppl in your situation maybe join a gam anon group which it designed specifically for ppl affected with others compulsive gambling or phone the helpline on hereÂ
Time for some tough love in my opinion. He's clearly not willing to change for the sake of you and his child. He's putting your future at risk and needs to own up to this before its too late and he drags you down. Time for some ultimatums. Will you stay with him if he keeps gambling? What if he gambles away your rent or takes out loans in your name? Gamblers do sneaky horrible things. They are also very good at talking the talk. Honest and open discussion time. Sit down, discuss a future with him and without him. Explain to him that you cannot be with a gambler. You have a child to look after. Either he takes all the support he can get, tells you every time he considers or does gamble. Basically you have to set the rules to how he proceeds, and he has to make the decision to follow them or not.
Harsh but fair. Either you and his child come first, or you and your child look after yourselves. Gambling cant be priority one.Â
Look after yourself and best of luck in moving forwardÂ
You absolutely need to put yourself and your child first. Your financial situation is very precarious right now.Â
If you have joint finances, separate them and take advice on any joint assets as they’re at risk from his debts (current ones and/or future debts). Get credit reports and ask to see bank statements, and be very suspicious if he refuses.
He needs to access ongoing support. It sounds like he might not have fully faced up to the fact that he’s an addict and it’s hard to get someone to engage with that. But he clearly has an ongoing addiction, and being a co-parent with an addict really sucks.Â
Get support yourself, and make sure it’s really aimed at supporting you and your baby first and foremost. Lots of support available is primarily set up to help gamblers, who do absolutely need support. But those of us whose lives they’ve wrecked need support too and we shouldn’t be an afterthought.Â
Whether you stay with him or not is a decision only you can make. It’s a really hard stage of parenthood to have to think about that and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. But a relationship is never quite the same shape after trust has been broken, so please bear that in mind whatever you decide to do.Â
Best of luck.Â
You absolutely need to put yourself and your child first. Your financial situation is very precarious right now.Â
If you have joint finances, separate them and take advice on any joint assets as they’re at risk from his debts (current ones and/or future debts). Get credit reports and ask to see bank statements, and be very suspicious if he refuses.
He needs to access ongoing support. It sounds like he might not have fully faced up to the fact that he’s an addict and it’s hard to get someone to engage with that. But he clearly has an ongoing addiction, and being a co-parent with an addict really sucks.Â
Get support yourself, and make sure it’s really aimed at supporting you and your baby first and foremost. Lots of support available is primarily set up to help gamblers, who do absolutely need support. But those of us whose lives they’ve wrecked need support too and we shouldn’t be an afterthought.Â
Whether you stay with him or not is a decision only you can make. It’s a really hard stage of parenthood to have to think about that and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. But a relationship is never quite the same shape after trust has been broken, so please bear that in mind whatever you decide to do.Â
Best of luck.Â
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