My Boyfriend has a serious gambling problem...

Hi,im a gambler and i know how you can help him,his the one who needs to be in here ,talking ,speaking the truth,be open mind with his sickness,cause thats what we got,a stupid disease,i stoppped for a year,and then in christmas i gave my family a surprise,a disgusting surprise,ive robbed from them,my own daughter,my own nethew,my wife,my sister,and in that moment all you think as an addict ,i want my money back,i can do it,i can do it...but its so wrong,and we manipulate everyone cause our first thought is gambling,today im coming back here,cause i know it helped me,and i stopped coming,cause im stupid,well thats it.make him come in here,go with him and ask self exclusion from all the shops around him...make him accept his a patient and not the doctor.sorry is a easy word,when you need to someone to forgive you.

Hi Half-Life,

Thank you for replying to me, It has eased slightly just by talking about it. There is no one I can really speak to about this so it has helped massively.

He says he wants to stop, but then a few weeks/months down the line he does it again and again. So I believe he wants to but he gives me the impression that he cant no matter what he does.

We have a joint bank account, but I have access to the bank card but he is still gambling online. Is there anyway I can get the card changed or remove him off the account? I make sure all bills are paid and on a sunday when he gets paid he gives his wages to me but im putting them in the bank and hes gambling it.

How do you go about doing self exclusions? Does he have to do it? Or can I do it?

As far as im aware he just uses the laptop to gamble I don't think he does it on his mobile but I could check.

Im sorry about all these questions, but ive never had to deal with this sort of problem before.

Thank you

Gem

Hi Ruivo,

Thank you for replying to me.

Ive asked him to come on here and also to call Gamcare to talk to someone but he keeps saying that he can deal with the problem himself, which obviously he cant because I wouldn't be typing this message.

Im sorry about what has happened to your family etc, im still new to gambling problems and im not really sure what to say, I just hope that you get the help you need and stop gambling.

I came on here because I love my boyfriend but I do not like the person he has become and I feel like I don't even know him anymore. But there is only so much that I can do and im running out of ideas.

Hi Gem,do not give up on him,but scare him to do it so,sometimes the best of us is under the skin,i know its really hard to understand,but imagine you got vision,but you cant see,that's the major problem of us,gamblers,i got a great wife,a huge friend by my side,but she doesn't trust me anymore,so its my mission to recover that,please just don't give up on him,show him the way,scare him,push him to the right direction , don't give him space to delude you ,we are great manipulators ,no gambler got control over his urges,we need help,like any other serious addiction.i know that coming in here makes me remember every single minute that i got an addiction,and makes me more perceptive when im having an urge, this time i decided that im coming in here every day,with no breaks,i need to,cause i don't want to come back to step 1.i hope for you and your boyfriend a great new year full of hope and with no gambling involved.thanks.

Hi Ruivo/Half-Life,

Since I shouted at him on Friday night he has not spoke to me or called me or anything he just chooses to ignore me, which I think is bang out of order since I have done nothing wrong apart from have a go at him about his gambling. When I found out he was gambling I came home and shouted and screamed and it broke my heart and I was so upset. But he didn't even seem that bothered, he was just making excuses and he reluctantly said "im sorry you know" like he didn't really give a toss. I don't have a single ounce of trust in him now, so makes me beg the question, what is the point???

We have been together for 8 years so I find it hard to just walk away and we also live together so makes it difficult. Like take today for example I finished work at 2pm but I purposely walked the long way home so I didn't have to deal with him or his attitude. How bad is that ? I am also dreading NYE as we are both off and he wont speak to me he just goes in one room and I go in another.

I spoke to his mum yesterday as she is the only person (apart from you guys) that I can talk to. So she tried calling him and he wont answer the phone to her. He has also since Friday left his phone at home so that no one can contact him. I am so sick and tired of it all, I feel so down all the time and can never concentrate at work so my work is also suffering. I just cant be bothered if im being honest.

Sorry about the rant but I feel I need to vent some frustration.

Thank you both for your advice I really appreciate it.

He doesn't have any credit cards, only bank card which I have. Last night I installed K9 so this will stop him from gambling online, but ii don't know if he is doing it on his phone.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I think he expects me to apologise for my behaviour and the way I shouted at him... fat chance of that happening !! I stand by what I said and I wont back down.

He is behaving like a child, and bear in mind that he is 40 years old, so he is an adult !!

I have also being thinking should I draw out all the money out of the bank so he cant gamble it, but then what if I need to pay any bills on my card??? oh I don't know what to do !!!

I think I may pop to the bank tomorrow and see if I can either get a new card issued or close the joint account and just have one in my name. Does he need to be present when I close the account or take his name off ?? xx

Also is the way he is behaving normal behaviour of a gambler ??

Hi HL,

Just thought I would update you on my situation.

I have been to Barclays today and I have opened a new account in just my name so only i have access to the card and pin number and just my wages go into there. Also he has agrred to attend a group session next week on Thursday.

So I think things might be looking better!!

xx

Hi Gem,

I'm hoping that this post finds you in a better place. I'm glad to see that HL is providing support - she's incredibly balanced and can see the challenges from both f&f plus CG sides. Sadly, I am on the CG side and very rarely come into the f&f forum in fear of offending, but I wanted to check in and provide an opinion - as with every post on every section in the forum it's up to the reader to decide what yet want to take from it, if anything.

The first step for and CG is admitting they have a problem so that's a positive for your boyfriend and you, however, it goes without saying that he needs to put words into action and truly demonstrate his desire to rid himself......and by association, you, of this in your lives.

It took my wife and I to seperate before I finally admitted my issues to myself, let alone her - I really hope that he realises the potential consequences of not doing things. I want, more than anything right now, to stop gambling. I won't have a life, a future with any partner, the ability to provide for my kids or any of the typical aspirations that a guy of my age (a year older than your man) should have. As a result, I have chosen to take the following steps:-

- self excluded from every high street bookie in my area

- self excluded from the online sites I attended

- have handed over all responsibility for the transactions that take place with my bank to a relative

- have handed over my credit and bank cards

- I get a weekly allowance that pays for fuel, food an other necessities - but I only get this in 'needed' chunks

- I provide receipts when requested to show what I've spent my money on

- I keep a regular diary on the recovery forum

- my wife and I have completely seperate bank accounts & the company I work for allows me to pay my salary into two different accounts - the money I give my wife every month for the mortgage and general living goes straight into her account, with the balance going into my own - I don't even see it and can't touch it.

There are a few others, but nothing significant. A couple of key points - a number of online bookies, to make a deposit, only requires you to enter your 3 digit security code which your boyfriend will know, so even without his bank card he will still be able to deposit funds. If he is serious, then self excluding is the only way, hand in hand with the foundations you've laid around separating finances.

The most important thing is that HE needs to be the one that wants to stop - it doesn't matter how much you want it. I'm sorry for him and especially sorry for you to say this - and I'm certainly not an advocate of couples seperating if it comes to that - but you have to protect yourself first and foremost - we only et one chance at this. If he demonstrates his desire to stop then you have a chance, if not, I'd advise you begin to make your decision around your next steps.

Sorry for being blunt on a couple of things and I really hope he takes the steps required to gain the support and network to stop......and of course, I wish you both the very very best in your journey, whether seperate or on your own.......I really hope it's the former on the two.

Take care and hope his session goes well this week.

Mr Brightside - CG but clean for 29 days - not a lot, but a start

Hi Gem,

I unfortunately have found myself in the same situation for the past 5 years and stubbornly have stuck my heels in. At the beginning I tried telling little snippets to finds who now judge him and just make life harder for me so I find myself with no one to talk to about it. My boyfriend has agreed to counselling 1-2-1 and says he will go but whenever I bring it up we never seem to get there he wants me to set it all up and do everything for him which is the story of our life so far.

Did the counselling help you? Having studied psychology at uni and support families for a living I have always resented the fact that I am the one feeling like I need the therapy but now I have come to a point where I need to physically do something talking is getting me nowhere.

P.s I can completely relate to how the "£0.00" balance makes you feel. I ironically almosted laughed as I feel like someone else actually understands how I feel.

Thanks