My husband is a CG

Hello and Welcome to the forum Leena82

The effects of problem gambling on others such as yourself who are close to someone who problem gambles can be as you say for yourself overwhelming. Gambling and the loss of trust it often brings can put a strain on a relationship.

There is help here at GamCare for you if you would like to call our helpline on 08088020133 and speak with one of our advisors they will give you information on support available to you. There is free counselling with services across the UK as well as other support such as gamanon groups for family and friends of compulsve gamblers http://gamanon.org.uk . You can speak to us on our helpline advisors 8am -to midnight everyday or through the netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/netline . Please keep posting Leena82 there is alot of support here on the family and friends forum as well.

Caroline

Hi,

My husband is a CG, we've been married a long time and the kids are getting older. For most of our marriage I didn't know why he had dreadful mood swings, why he was so hard to reach, so unreasonable. Or why he was so hard up. You're not alone, if you read more threads on this part of the forum, you'll see that the behaviour you describe is very common. No less difficult but common.

The one thing you can't do is stop him gambling. You didn't cause it, none of it is your fault but you can't say or do anything to make him stop. It's got to come from him.

What you can do is make changes to your life because you control your actions and you are responsible for what you do or don't do. You can make changes with effort and the right support, it's not easy but it's doable. Start by phoning the helpline and reading this forum. Gambling thrives on secrecy so tell a friend or someone you trust. Best of all would be GamAnon meetings, once you've overcome the babysitting hurdle, the help and support is there from a room of people in the same situation. But it's no good for you to let yourself feel trapped. You can't make him change but you can change you.

It's not your fault, it's his. Active gamblers are very manipulative, I thought that it was me for years but they are very skilled at blaming everyone but themselves for the problem. They lie and you're left doubting your own sanity. My experience is that a relationship with an active gambler is abusive, maybe not physically but certainly financially and emotionally. One key is to recognise when you're being told Gambler's Nonsense and this will come from being as well informed as possible, about typical gamblers' behaviour and about steps to protect yourself. Because if you don't recognise Gambler's Nonsense, you end up believing it and that's no good.

The other issue is how to protect yourself financially. Whatever you pay for, even essentials, frees up his money for gambling. Gamblers can't manage money, it's just a temptation. Compulsive Gamblers in recovery agree to hand over financial control and manage on minimal spending money, so that bills and debts get paid. For us, this will be a permanent arrangement. But if your father in law is handing over money to your husband or is continually bailing him out, then he's just giving him gambling money.

Hope this helps. Look after yourself.

CW

Hi There

I know it's hard to be in a foreign country, without the support of your riends and family, make the most of this website, and the advice from these people, there is lots of help available to you, If I was in the UK I'd be speaking to one of the councellors, I'm sure they'll be able to help. I hope it helps to know there are other people out there going through the same thing, and we can help each other.

take care

suzi

hi all,

thank you so much for making me feel welcome here. thank you so much CW and Suzi for good advice. i have read a lot of posts on here and i coudnt believe that there is so many of us struggling everyday with the same issues. my big problem is saying no to my husband and giving him money..if i say no, he becomes very angry, does very crazy things like throwing things out of cupboards, making mess upstairs , taking all clothes out of waredrobes....crazy things he says, to my children , to me and nags and nags until i break and give him the money! and if i want to go out of the house cuz i cant take it anymore, he stands by the door and block it. he follows me everywhere and its just so mad! all of this for little bit of money to gamble! madness.. you can probably imagine that all electrical things in the house have been sold due to his gambling..tv, hifi, my eldest son's ipod and lots more..he even once sold his phone and been going library to bet online! how can i stop giving him money? his dad keeps our money but after shopping i always have some change, or if that is taken the next thing is to force me to ask his dad and lie to him i need it to buy something else.

is there any magic words or anything special i can tell him when he asks? or what else could i do?