I found out about 2 years ago that my boyfriend had a long term problem with gambling. I have been largely supporting the family financially throughout our relationship. One day, I found a couple of his bank statements - every transaction was from various online gambling websites. £6k over the space of these 2 months had been lost. Any winnings looked like they went immediately back into the websites. The statements showed had even been gambling in the delivery room on the day I was giving birth to our baby. I confronted him and he said it was a wake up call and promised to never do it again. Registered to stop himself accessing gambling sites. I hoped that would be that.
A month ago, I discovered he has still been gambling. One evening I went out for a run and by the time I’d returned home he had won the jackpot on a gambling site. I had mixed feelings about this as I first of all felt betrayed and the win meant he had been lying to me the whole time I thought he had stopped. But I thought I’ll give him a chance and if he was responsible with this money it would be a fresh start from that point on. He initially paid off all his toxic debts which had been hanging over him for years, and my car finance. But since then, half of the remaining money has almost disappeared in the space of 45days and I feel crushed. He said he would never need to gamble again now his debts have been paid. But I don’t understand how he can spend so many thousands in just a month and not have much to show for it. Apart from a selection of designer clothes and aftershaves. He also gave money to his family, which is fine, but without discussion with me as his partner. Every day is now like Christmas Day - parcels arriving at the house. When I said he was irresponsible and not thinking of our family (3 children, the youngest who we have together) he stormed out and went on a 12hour drinking bender and said he wasn’t coming home. Was ill all the next day and evening. Then I tried to talk to him again and he left and stayed in a hotel overnight rather than face up to the reality of him having blasted through most of his win. He said he didn’t care and it is his money and was very defensive. He has never had money before or anything to his name as long as I’ve known him (7 years). I have my house almost paid off and have been financially secure as my previous partner died and we had life insurance. I feel my boyfriend’s actions threatens the stability of mine and the children’s home and security. I love him but I am torn between wanting to stand by him and help him, but protecting myself and the children.
Reflecting on this, I feel my boyfriend has been able to gamble while in a relationship with me, as he just lives for free with me then chips in for bills. Since meeting me, he hasn’t had to worry about the roof over his head. Before then he would often be sofa surfing. He has also had addictive tendencies towards alcohol for many years. He doesn’t drink as much now but if he was single I think he would go back to it.
I don’t know what to do to stop him blowing the remaining money he has left. I opened a bank account for our baby yesterday and urged him to put some savings aside for our baby’s future before it was too late. And I am the only trustee of the account. I don’t know if he has done this.
Has anybody else had a partner that won big and it changed their lives for the better? And the gambling stopped? Or did it go another way. I don’t know anybody who has been in this situation so am just interested in how things panned out for others. I’ve no idea what to do for the best. I rang this support website yesterday for support for myself.
I found out about 2 years ago that my boyfriend had a long term problem with gambling. I have been largely supporting the family financially throughout our relationship. One day, I found a couple of his bank statements - every transaction was from various online gambling websites. £6k over the space of these 2 months had been lost. Any winnings looked like they went immediately back into the websites. The statements showed had even been gambling in the delivery room on the day I was giving birth to our baby. I confronted him and he said it was a wake up call and promised to never do it again. Registered to stop himself accessing gambling sites. I hoped that would be that.
A month ago, I discovered he has still been gambling. One evening I went out for a run and by the time I’d returned home he had won the jackpot on a gambling site. I had mixed feelings about this as I first of all felt betrayed and the win meant he had been lying to me the whole time I thought he had stopped. But I thought I’ll give him a chance and if he was responsible with this money it would be a fresh start from that point on. He initially paid off all his toxic debts which had been hanging over him for years, and my car finance. But since then, half of the remaining money has almost disappeared in the space of 45days and I feel crushed. He said he would never need to gamble again now his debts have been paid. But I don’t understand how he can spend so many thousands in just a month and not have much to show for it. Apart from a selection of designer clothes and aftershaves. He also gave money to his family, which is fine, but without discussion with me as his partner. Every day is now like Christmas Day - parcels arriving at the house. When I said he was irresponsible and not thinking of our family (3 children, the youngest who we have together) he stormed out and went on a 12hour drinking bender and said he wasn’t coming home. Was ill all the next day and evening. Then I tried to talk to him again and he left and stayed in a hotel overnight rather than face up to the reality of him having blasted through most of his win. He said he didn’t care and it is his money and was very defensive. He has never had money before or anything to his name as long as I’ve known him (7 years). I have my house almost paid off and have been financially secure as my previous partner died and we had life insurance. I feel my boyfriend’s actions threatens the stability of mine and the children’s home and security. I love him but I am torn between wanting to stand by him and help him, but protecting myself and the children.
Reflecting on this, I feel my boyfriend has been able to gamble while in a relationship with me, as he just lives for free with me then chips in for bills. Since meeting me, he hasn’t had to worry about the roof over his head. Before then he would often be sofa surfing. He has also had addictive tendencies towards alcohol for many years. He doesn’t drink as much now but if he was single I think he would go back to it.
I don’t know what to do to stop him blowing the remaining money he has left. I opened a bank account for our baby yesterday and urged him to put some savings aside for our baby’s future before it was too late. And I am the only trustee of the account. I don’t know if he has done this.
Has anybody else had a partner that won big and it changed their lives for the better? And the gambling stopped? Or did it go another way. I don’t know anybody who has been in this situation so am just interested in how things panned out for others. I’ve no idea what to do for the best. I rang this support website yesterday for support for myself.
This sounds exactly like me in my late 20s (42 now). I was very selfish with my money and anything I won was tucked away to gamble later. I won several thousand pounds playing poker and roulette online and instead of giving our family a firm head-start in life I gambled the lot away.
I have recently undergone some talk therapy with Beacon and they encouraged me to think about what I'd say to my younger self to stop this addiction much earlier. Sadly, I still don't know how I'd have gotten through to him (me). It's very difficult to make someone stop gambling who isn't ready to seek help. Even when I hit my final rock bottom and started to actively look for a way to stop, it took several failures before things started to get better.
Honestly it's an awful thing to say but you might need to leave him to it, protect yourself and children, and protect your assets. If he's not contributing then it'll just be like having an extra child to look after.
Hi
Sadly money was the fuel for my addiction.
Having large amounts of money just prolongs the pains and the betrayals.
The more Pains the more fears and with more fears comes more lies.
Handing over money to my wife was a healthy thing to do.
Dave L
Thank you both so much for your replies. I really appreciate you being so open and hearing your stories and perspectives, as I feel quite alone in this. I’ve a lot to think about, and will also be accessing some support for myself through Beacon too. Thank you
Last night we managed a calm and constructive conversation, which I based on “what would your future self be saying to you now” . This has really helped as he has now admitted to what he’s done, which is gamble a lot of the win away but was sketchy about the exact amount. He wasn’t prepared to talk to me about it at all before though. He then transferred the bulk of what is left to our child’s account which only I can access, to protect what’s left. I worry he’s going to hate me now for helping.
I just wanted to say that the comments yesterday helped me on how to approach the conversation with him. But I said I think he should talk to someone like this organisation and access some support - but he didn’t seem ready to talk. But one step at a time. I’m just going to see if I can open up the conversation about getting support again next. Just wanted to give thanks as I was really anxious about posting on here but glad I did.
Last night we managed a calm and constructive conversation, which I based on “what would your future self be saying to you now” . This has really helped as he has now admitted to what he’s done, which is gamble a lot of the win away but was sketchy about the exact amount. He wasn’t prepared to talk to me about it at all before though. He then transferred the bulk of what is left to our child’s account which only I can access, to protect what’s left. I worry he’s going to hate me now for helping.
I just wanted to say that the comments yesterday helped me on how to approach the conversation with him. But I said I think he should talk to someone like this organisation and access some support - but he didn’t seem ready to talk. But one step at a time. I’m just going to see if I can open up the conversation about getting support again next. Just wanted to give thanks as I was really anxious about posting on here but glad I did.
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