P.S My son gambles huge amounts of money too, mainly on the fixed odds betting terminals in betting shops, but also online. He lost about £4,000 between Christmas & New Year.
Hi JTC, I really hope you find a solution so you can have peace in your life, it is really difficult when you're dealing with someone who is desperate and depressed as you never know what action they may take, it sounds like you and your husband have done your best to help your son. Having gambled for years myself and having gone through depression because of the gambling I know what your son is feeling, the compulsion is really hard for someone who isn't a gambler to understand. I have never smoked or abused alcohol and find it difficult to understand why someone would have a problem with quitting cigarettes or stopping drinking! I too have been helped numerous times by my family when I've gambled away my rent and food money and all it did in the long run was prolong my having to put a stop to the gambling. I hope your son takes steps to stop his terrible addiction. Wishing you strength xx
You could be talking about our son.... I can't ever see an end to this nightmare!
Hi JTC
I hope you will also learn more about the addiction as you can be an invaluable help to him.
Its up there with other addictions like drink or hard drugs and it works in the same way. The cravings, the fix, the aftermath and so it goes on. In many ways I feel gambling is even worse because it develops a constant chase where the gambler thinks they can make things right again and save their finances with one big win. Only that never happens in the vast majority of cases.
Whether your son is an action gambler or an escape gambler both types get a dopamine high from playing. They get so wrapped up in those feelings that the money going in becomes an afterthought until reality sinks in later.
The lengths that gamblers go to obtain money varies in each case. I would take it from the bank of mum and dad by saying I was skint after paying bills. I have since told them all about it but would they have given me the money if they had known the truth? I think not so it has to be classed as deception or stealing
Its also a lot to do with issues deep within the soul and it affected people like me because I never felt a sense of contentment in life. Ive had reasonable paying jobs (which I actually hated doing) but I drifted in and out of them with no aims or purpose. Ive been an aimless depressive, drifting character to scared to commit to any girlfriend or way of life......perfect fodder for the gambling addiction to grip well.
Ive been like that all my life and Im now getting counselling through the doctor
Its a dangerous and scary addiction because it will shred relationships and put aside the memories of a month spent indoors with little to eat. An extremely dangerous form of mind control
With real help your son will lead a healthy life again
Ideally now he need to be on a sandwich allowance managed by you. You need to ensure he is excluded from everywhere even if you have to go round with him to do it. he must have no outlet for gambling that wouldnt spark your awareness
Under no circumstances should you give him money unless you accompany him to pay bills
It is an addiction and a mental illness which feed off each other
Being gamble free is a lovely feeling and Im sure he will join us. Keep discussing it with him
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi I am new to Gamcare I am a desperate mother of a 25 year old who has a severe gambling problem. I have funded him for years paying debts car insurance rent etc and recently paying drug debts as he has started drinking and taking drugs he says "to help him cope". I have used most of my savings to help him and now he has blown £260 I gave him yesterday to clear a drug debt as he promised yet again this is last time!!!!! but of course he never paid his debt he gambled the money and still owes the debt. My heart is breaking I am having panic attacks as I know my husband and I will end up splitting up if I carry on enabling my son but I am frightend he will die if I dont help him. I feel like I am addicted to helping him. I dont know what to do I feel so ill and at a loss and so very much alone. Why cant I just turn away? I wished I could close my eyes shut myself in a dark room and it will go away but I know he is lost Im devastated where do I go what do I do I need help to help my son. Can some one help me PLEASE. from a distraught mother 🙁
Hi Mollyb,
I've moved your post into the Friends and Family section where it's more appropriate and more likely to be seen by people in your situation. You might also want to consider starting a new thread, since the one you've posted onto is over a year old.
In any event, it does sound like a stressful and difficult situation you're doing through, and a lot of our members will be able to empathize with you. There's only so much you can do to help someone else though, I'm afraid, and it sounds like you've done what you can at this point. Remember that you have to take care of yourself as well, before you can help other people. Have you thought about getting any support from GamAnon about this? Here's a link for you to see if they have any meetings in your area: http://gamanon.org.uk/ You might also want to consider getting some individual counselling, which could help you prioritize yourself a bit and set appropriate boundaries with your son, as well as just giving you some needed support and more info about gambling addiction. We've got partner agencies in many parts of the country that provide that at no cost.
If you'd like to speak with us about any of this, feel free to get in touch over the Helpline or Netline, and you'll find the links for those at the top of the page. We'd be happy to offer any support we can.
Hope this helps,
Travis
Forum admin wrote:
Hi Mollyb,
I've moved your post into the Friends and Family section where it's more appropriate and more likely to be seen by people in your situation. You might also want to consider starting a new thread, since the one you've posted onto is over a year old.
In any event, it does sound like a stressful and difficult situation you're doing through, and a lot of our members will be able to empathize with you. There's only so much you can do to help someone else though, I'm afraid, and it sounds like you've done what you can at this point. Remember that you have to take care of yourself as well, before you can help other people. Have you thought about getting any support from GamAnon about this? Here's a link for you to see if they have any meetings in your area: http://gamanon.org.uk/ You might also want to consider getting some individual counselling, which could help you prioritize yourself a bit and set appropriate boundaries with your son, as well as just giving you some needed support and more info about gambling addiction. We've got partner agencies in many parts of the country that provide that at no cost.
If you'd like to speak with us about any of this, feel free to get in touch over the Helpline or Netline, and you'll find the links for those at the top of the page. We'd be happy to offer any support we can.
Hope this helps,
Travis
Thank you Travis I will check the link to see if there are any meetings in my area. I know I also need help as I am exhausted with it all. Regards Mollyb
I'm so sorry Mollyb. I know how badly this hurts you and how badly as his mom you want to fix this... you wouldn't be a mom if you didn't. Problem is as you are starting to see is that it isn't getting either of you anywhere except deeper into addiction.
I know that feeling of if you don't help they are going to die. It keeps us paralyzed in fear of the "what ifs". You are getting exhausted and ill trying to change something that you will never change. By taking the focus off your son and making boundaries for yourself and your home you are not giving up on him. You are hopefully helping him get to the place he needs to in order to start some sort of recovery.
As Travis suggested, a Gam Anon group would be invaluable to you. A chance to vent, cry and lean on others who have been where you are and can support you through this VERY difficult time.
There is hope molly... the first step is looking after yourself!
Cathyx
hi i can relate alot to this i am 24 years old and i am exact the same as what you have described i have just recently f****d xmas up loosing 1650 and my mum and dad getting me out the s**t once again there is nothing worse than them low depressing moments i swear to god they are torture u just dont want to live i am in quite abit of debt myself i am back on the straight and trying hard to stop again cause this will kill me if it carrys on its like we do it to punish ourselfs cause we go back after a couple of weeks and do the same thing vicious circle i have been to meetings counceling the lot nothing has worked for me i also am in same situation with my girlfreind i dont no how she is still with me i dispise this addiction i feel sorry for your son cause i can totally relate to this and its so hard but am on day 17 without a bet hope he gets well
Hi there I haven’t been on the site for a while but my story started in here two years ago with my own son. It’s pretty devastating to everyone involved, the more I learned about gambling addidiction the more I worried. I worried for my sons future and if he would have one due to his addiction. He had always been a good worker and that remains the same, earning enough money to have a good standard of living until the gambling began. You don’t see it at first then bang! you know somethings not Wright but you just can’t put your finger on it. Why has he run out of money? Why hasn’t he paid his car loan, why are pay dY lenders letters arriving, why can’t I tie him down to ask him these questions and why is he moody. This is until you’ve had enough and you start delving and follow your gut instincts and you make him sit down and you open his post, then your heart sinks. Then you go into parent mode and fight for your son back and do all you can. I’ve had brilliant advice on here from people I’ve also had advice I didn’t agree with. You know your son best, it is a slow process with lots of ups and downs along the way. Your heart breaks for them but I was so frustrated and annoyed with him at the same time. Anyways we took control of his bank account we worked with him, it wasn’t easy... stay with it if he will let you in. He had been gambling for two years before I found out, a slow downward spiral. As for now, he is doing well, he doesn’t gamble that I know of and I was very good at seeing his pattern. He has a partner who knows everything and looks after the finances, they have a new baby, a house and he has a good job. He has that future I thought he may never have and he is happy. Now I’m not nieve to say it will not happen again because I’ve read too much on these forums, but with the knowlede both me and his partner have now things are pretty tight. So keep at it keep supporting and trying and working alongside your son if he will let you. I wish you well.
Well all I can say is wow I wish I had parents as supportive as you lot , I too am also 25 and have battled a heavy gambling addiction that I one day wish to completely remove from my life
but unlike your children my parents don’t really give 2 hoots about whether I am a gambling, drug addict or an alcoholic
Luckily I have brought myself up fairly well and am neither of the latter have , I’ve managed to secure an OK job , a house share and have my own car so am self-sufficient I live far from an extravagant lifestyle but I am aware there are people a lot worse off than myself
I have around 2 thousand pounds worth of debt left and then I am free doubt I will ever take credit out for anything for aslong as I live
Im sorry to say this to you all but your children are as addicted as you allow them to be ……they know they have you there as a safety net and therefore aren’t afraid to push the boundaries
Stealing to fund gambling IS NOT normal , borrowing heavily- normal theft – not normal
My advice is its time for some tough love , remove the safety net and let them face reality
Amom wrote:
I'm so sorry Mollyb. I know how badly this hurts you and how badly as his mom you want to fix this... you wouldn't be a mom if you didn't. Problem is as you are starting to see is that it isn't getting either of you anywhere except deeper into addiction.
I know that feeling of if you don't help they are going to die. It keeps us paralyzed in fear of the "what ifs". You are getting exhausted and ill trying to change something that you will never change. By taking the focus off your son and making boundaries for yourself and your home you are not giving up on him. You are hopefully helping him get to the place he needs to in order to start some sort of recovery.
As Travis suggested, a Gam Anon group would be invaluable to you. A chance to vent, cry and lean on others who have been where you are and can support you through this VERY difficult time.
There is hope molly... the first step is looking after yourself!
Cathyx
Hi Amom, thank you so much for your comment. Unfortunately I have had a bad few weeks since I first posted on the forum, my son is getting worse our Christmas totally ruined as his relationship with his girlfriend ended on Christmas Eve due to his gambling and alchohol session he goes on when he loses. I stupidly have bailed him again giving him money and last night I gave him money to go and meet a friend who had also lost a girlfriend so as they could comfort each other. How stupid am I??? it wasnt a friend it was gambling because I got texts asking me to transfer money for a taxi as he didnt want to drive his car he had had a drink.... sooo I transfered £30 but within 10 mins I got another text saying there was only 20 available would I please put another 20 so I did and then a few hours later at 1.a.m. I got a text asking for another 20 saying its the last time he is so depressed .... then I realised he was gambling not with a friend at all!!!!!! why the hell am I so stupid I think I knew but didnt want to believe it. I wished I could lock him in a room till he realised what he is doing but I know that is a ridiculous thing to do and would not help him. Im at my rock bottom and am going to see where there are local groups as I need help with my addiction of feeding his addiction......Is there a ligh??? PLEASE GOD HELP US. I am sorry to sound so forlorn but I am lost. I have to accept that to help my son I first need to get help to stop enabling him. I pray 2018 will be the start of the recovery process. I wish you all a better New year free of addictions.
Mollyb xx
nipped wrote:
Well all I can say is wow I wish I had parents as supportive as you lot , I too am also 25 and have battled a heavy gambling addiction that I one day wish to completely remove from my life
but unlike your children my parents don’t really give 2 hoots about whether I am a gambling, drug addict or an alcoholic
Luckily I have brought myself up fairly well and am neither of the latter have , I’ve managed to secure an OK job , a house share and have my own car so am self-sufficient I live far from an extravagant lifestyle but I am aware there are people a lot worse off than myself
I have around 2 thousand pounds worth of debt left and then I am free doubt I will ever take credit out for anything for aslong as I live
Im sorry to say this to you all but your children are as addicted as you allow them to be ……they know they have you there as a safety net and therefore aren’t afraid to push the boundaries
Stealing to fund gambling IS NOT normal , borrowing heavily- normal theft – not normal
My advice is its time for some tough love , remove the safety net and let them face reality
Hi Nipped, I know you are right "tough love" is what is needed and I will try my very best to believe that. Mothers feel the need to protect our children but I now realise that some times we need let go to allow them to learn by mistakes. Im at my rock bottom now so I will be seeking help for my stupidity of enabling my son to continue with his addiction. I have to realise that I cant protect him what will be will be he has to seek the help too. Thank you for your comment and GOOD LUCK in your recovery. GOD BLESS
Mollyb
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