National gambling clinic

Hi, Katie,

I'm sorry to hear it's bad for you again. Not used the National Gambling Clinic so can't comment but GC counselling helped a bit and I go to GamAnon, which suits me well.

It's hard not to let the gambling take over your life, isn't it?

Take care,

CW

Hi Katiecola

The National Problem Gambling Clinic is somewhere we do sign-post people. Please find the link here with more information about them http://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/cnwl-national-problem-gambling-clinic/ .

Please also see the link for gamanon http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=173

There are Gamcare advisors on netline and the helpline who will listen to your concerns if you want to call we are open everyday 8am -midnight on 08 80 80 20 133

Hi Katie

I went there for an initial appointment about a month ago. The way it works is you have an initial chat and then they talk to you about the various options available. They have speakers every couple of weeks too and the topics they cover sounded very helpful and relevant but as I have just moved away from London that wasn't an option for me. They also offer GAnon type sessions as well as 1-2-1 counselling. If I were you, I'd book in an initial session as there is nothing to lose. It took quite a while for mine to come through so I'd expect a 6 week waiting list. Oh, and try and block out the bookies that, rather ironically, line the route to the building!

Keep strong x

Hi Katie

How are you doing? Just wondered if you pursued anything with the national gambling clinic?

I hope you're doing ok x

Hi orchid,

It's really kind of you to ask. Today wasn't great for me, our decree nisi was granted. Seems so odd that a stranger read out our names in a court room and gave us the go ahead to end our 20 year marriage after reading a side of A4. A very sad day. Bet you're glad you asked!! I haven't persued it mainly due to the long waiting list and it's quite a trek from me. I don't think I'm gonna get the answers I need from it. But my husband went and it has seemed to help him. Which is great but it leaves me with the nagging thought that I should have waited longer. I drive myself mad going over and over it- why he got sucked in, why couldn't he tell me, why didn't he agree to the barriers...? Thanks for asking.

How are you doing now?

Hi, Katie,

It's probably the other way round: he only accepted help once he'd lost his family? Maybe read back over your posts?

My husband has pushed at the boundaries and caused a lot of distress when doing so but so far he has recognised in time when no more can be tolerated. Or else he just knows which side his bread is buttered. He's behaving better at the moment but from a low baseline, we're both having counselling, staying is no sinecure either. I stay on the assumption that things will continue to improve.

I'm sorry that it's so hard all round. Not a club that we ever wanted to join.

Take care,

CW

Cynical wife wrote:

Hi, Katie,

It's probably the other way round: he only accepted help once he'd lost his family? Maybe read back over your posts?

My husband has pushed at the boundaries and caused a lot of distress when doing so but so far he has recognised in time when no more can be tolerated. Or else he just knows which side his bread is buttered. He's behaving better at the moment but from a low baseline, we're both having counselling, staying is no sinecure either. I stay on the assumption that things will continue to improve.

I'm sorry that it's so hard all round. Not a club that we ever wanted to join.

Take care,

CW

I'm sure its not CW. From the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry you have had to, but i'm glad your husbands addiction is at a level he can keep working at it. i've enjoyed our chats on the addiction or choice of gambling. thanks for your shares.

Sorry to hear you were having a bad day, Katie. It can be so hard can't it?

As for me, I am still struggling to let things go. I have now moved back up home do am a 4 hour drive away from my 'husband' but still find myself worrying about him, contacting him to see if he is OK etc. I too keep going round in circles but with me, it's more about whether I helped him enough. One part of me says of course I did, I did all I could without making myself more mentally and physically ill with it, but the other part of me thinks maybe I could have tried more. I asked him yesterday if he felt I had supported him throughout it all and he just said "you did what you thought was right, you did what was best for you". It didn't really do much to ease my 'conscience'. Then again, I know that only he can make things better for himself. I just hope that one day I'll be able to be at peace with myself about the whole situation.

Anyway, take care of you and make sure you do something nice for yourself at the weekend x

You ladies can beat yourselves up forever over this but for what it's worth, I don't think either of you could have done any more! I am sorry the divorce was so impersonal Katie but you may well have been waiting til the end of time if you'd stuck around! All the time he had a crutch, he didn't need to do his physio!

And Orchid, no amount of trying on your behalf would have made him try any harder, recovery comes from us with the help of people around us, not the other way round! Never mind you 'did what you thought was right, you did what was best for you', I would hazard a guess that's he's still very much in the denial/blame stage of his addiction! I snort @ that! What was right for you, as is right for all the friends & family is never to have been put in this predicament in the 1st place!

I know you are hurting but don't make it any more painful, try & let go of any guilt you are carrying, you did not make them addicts regardless of whether this has ever been levelled @ you...Same as recovery, that comes from within us too!

Look after yourselves - ODAAT

Thank you ODAAT. I appreciate that x

Me too. I know what you say is true and I do read my past posts sometimes. But I'm stuck in a place where,like you orchid, I just think I should have given him longer. Was 8 months sufficient time for a marriage of 20 years? I feel like I gave up on him.

Katiecola wrote:

Me too. I know what you say is true and I do read my past posts sometimes. But I'm stuck in a place where,like you orchid, I just think I should have given him longer. Was 8 months sufficient time for a marriage of 20 years? I feel like I gave up on him.

Reading through a few of your early posts it feels like trust was a big problem? Could you find that something to anchor your relationship to? Suppose much of it comes down to was he trying to stop? Was he accepting it was the illness it is? I know many on Gamcare don't accept it as an illness but that doesn't make it a fact. On the flip side, gambling whether it be an illness or a choice is incredibly hard on a gambler's family. Is 8 months a long time? I've no doubt you felt every minute of that time Katie and I understand the choice you made for your self and your daughters. How long do you give a compulsive gambler or a family member? Suppose the answer does depend on if you see it as a choice or an illness. I know it would affect my reasoning.

I don't feel the choice/illness debate was a major factor in my decision. I believe that my husband started socially with friends and where as many people can leave it there, he doesn't really have a stop button. I think he got sucked in, chasing losses, debt mounted, depression kicked in. Much the same strory as many CG I expect. Yes it's an addiction. When I discovered it I chose to stand by him. I knew he was suffering and wanted more than anything to help him recover. I could have moved forward, I would have expected blips, I was prepared to draw a line and try to rebuild the trust to make our marriage work. At this point I think my husband had a choice. He chose to continue to lie, gamble, hide further huge debt. Was that his illness controlling him? Many CGs on here are willing to hand over finances, put firm barriers in place. My husband wasn't. How he reacted once found out is what I struggle to forgive. He made me feel that we were not worth fighting for. I could see that he was using me in the end. I was made to feel a fool over and over. I was scared we would loose everything. As I've said before I think he needed the jolt because he seems to be on the right path.

Your comments tend to suggest that if you believe it's an illness as a loved one you should put up with all it brings for how ever long it takes? Maybe I should have stuck it out longer but I have to live with that now.

I really don't feel illness/ choice is an issue for me. Whatever your opinion it doesn't change the fact that it ruins peoples lives.

8 months is a lifetime with an active CG! I have avoided the choice debate because I am quite shallow but it is irrelevant, either he accepts treatment or he doesn't & by not doing so @ the time, he let everyone down! I know I may sound like a broken record but for what it's worth, I think you gave it longer than he deserved & the only reason he is on the right path now is because you had the strength to let him go! I don't think sticking it out longer would have made a blind bit of difference!