National gambling clinic

No I'm not saying that Katie. I respect your personal choice and wish you and your daughters the best. I'm glad he's on the right path now. Hypothetically if he came back to you and asked for another chance would that be out of the question?

Thank you ODAAT. I know I'm a stuck record too!

Hi

Im the mum of a cg which some would say is a totalydifferent thing to what you're all going through. However the cg mindset is still the same who ever they are, and still wreak havoc in theirs and their loved ones lives.

I used to feel incredibly guilty all the time, thinking could I try harder, maybe theres something Ive missed, after I should know Im his Mum. But I no longer think that way, the guilt is gone, we've done our best, its impossible for us tried any harder. I got to this point with the help of this forum but also my counsellor that Gamcare arranged, they were fantastic and Id highly recommend.

My son has been and gone several times now and each time has been awful, we've been called bad parents for giving up, its also said we should of tried harder. He has been told that living this way is not indefinite, there will come a point we part company once and for all if he continues the way he is. Ive no idea when this will be but I know for certain it will happen, I cant face the rest if my life living with a cg in denial.

I do belive that my son is ill but I also believe he has free will and makes his own choices. Yes I know its a very powerful addiction and takes time and a lot hard work but it can be done if he wants it. He knows he has our love and support but so far he still doesnt want to choose recovery. So what are we supposed to do when theres no end in sight, just keep going endlessly hoping that things will get better.

None of us have anything to feel guilty for, we've all done our very best and are tested to limits of what we can bare.It doesnt mean we dont love them nor do we not care any more but living with a cg in denial is hell and its up to us when we say enough is enough.

Hi as 67,

I have started your own thread for you so that others can read your topic, and reply to you, as your post may not be that visible if it is under another person's thread.

Hope this helps,

Regards

Florence

Forum Admin.

Hi, Ladies and Tri,

Just a reminder that on this side of the fence we're responsible for what we tolerate? And we all do our best to encourage our CGs to get help but if they won't, we have to do what it takes to look after ourselves, our health, our sanity, our finances.

We have no choice as to whether the CG goes for continued gambling or recovery. But if we don't look after ourselves, protect ourselves and our children as best we can, what would become of us? Indefinitely tolerating the intolerable helps no one and destroys everyone. The help and support is there but only the CG can accept it.

The very worst thing we can do is take responsibility for the gambling and addict behaviour, despite the CG's best efforts to offload it on to us. And if we keep on and on trying to sort out the CG when we simply can't because it's impossible, we'll end up by taking on their responsibility to address their addiction.

It's not helpful to get distracted by blame, whether blaming ourselves or the CG. The damage is the same whether the CGs act in the throes of addiction or whether they set out to get us. The addict behaviour is as intolerable whether caused by addiction or whether deliberate. We are put in a situation that we have to deal with, we deal with it as best we can in our own human way.

Look after yourselves,

CW

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm gonna read them all in my weaker moments - of which there are many at the mo! I did deal with it as best as I could at the time, it's just really hard living with the consequences and seeing my girls suffer as a result.

Tri- I've been thinking about your question all day and still don't know the answer( a pending divorce aside)! My heart of course would take him back- he's a lovely, kind, funny man. My head on the other hand questions whether it could ever work. I've heard the theories about the environment in which a CG is in needs to change in order for them to change. In my case that seems to be true. Would it even be beneficial for him to return? If his life here was such that he needed that escape then the answer would seem to be no. Could it ever be an equal partnership again? With the best will in the world I'm not sure. What would that do to his fragile self esteem? I know I still love him but I also know that it isn't as simple as that.

Hi, Katie,

My teenage daughter pointed out to me that it's the fact of the addiction that's really sad. For all of us.

It's not how we deal with the CG that causes suffering, it's the position that we're put in as the f&f of an addict.

Don't blame yourself.

CW

I did wonder about the never say never stuff too so glad Tri asked it but it's sad to read the bit about 'his life here being such' because that feels like you are still feeling guilty 🙁 I guess in my heart I know you do & maybe always will & there's nothing anyone can say or do to stop your feelings but I doubt if it was your life together that made him want to escape. I just keep thinking of all the posts I've read & proof I have that even an amazing life doesn't help most CG's because we can't see the wood for the trees half the time...It's only when it's lost that rock bottom strikes & the arduous crawl out of the pit of despair can begin. I haven't dug into my whys and wherefores (yet) but I remember posting something about whatever I was looking for whilst gambling was there under my nose all the time...I was looking for me! I still don't always like me but I am who I am & sometimes I'm kinda cool & mostly I'm a pain in the r*e but that's ok because I'm me, just as I've always been! A lot more words to say I think you absolutely had to do this for you & your girls...It's not the same but my mum leaving the alcoholic that was helping to drag us up (turns out in not an entirely shabby way) is one of my happiest memories despite the sad bags under her eyes, I was 9! Obviously I'm massively biased but kudos for having the strength to put your girls first!

In my eyes, you've shown incredible strength & a brilliant capability for making tough decisions, no point being harder on you than this whole experience has been! Keep strong Katie - ODAAT

Cynical wife wrote:

Hi, Ladies and Tri,

Just a reminder that on this side of the fence we're responsible for what we tolerate? And we all do our best to encourage our CGs to get help but if they won't, we have to do what it takes to look after ourselves, our health, our sanity, our finances.

We have no choice as to whether the CG goes for continued gambling or recovery. But if we don't look after ourselves, protect ourselves and our children as best we can, what would become of us? Indefinitely tolerating the intolerable helps no one and destroys everyone. The help and support is there but only the CG can accept it.

The very worst thing we can do is take responsibility for the gambling and addict behaviour, despite the CG's best efforts to offload it on to us. And if we keep on and on trying to sort out the CG when we simply can't because it's impossible, we'll end up by taking on their responsibility to address their addiction.

It's not helpful to get distracted by blame, whether blaming ourselves or the CG. The damage is the same whether the CGs act in the throes of addiction or whether they set out to get us. The addict behaviour is as intolerable whether caused by addiction or whether deliberate. We are put in a situation that we have to deal with, we deal with it as best we can in our own human way.

Look after yourselves,

CW

I will always have the upmost respect for the families and friends of compulsive gamblers. My question and comments were never in any way to disrespect your choices. You inspire me to be a better person on a daily basis. Thankyou for your honesty and shares. I am always your trusted servant. Tri

Hi Katiecola - how are you and your girls doing. I've just been reading through some of your posts and am lost at what to say besides I'm really sorry you are all going through this and what a shock it must have been for you to find out! After 20 years of marriage we think we know our partners, if we're lucky want the same things out of life and look forward to the future. I've just been thinking of the vows we all took on our wedding days and the exact words of them. 'In sickness and health, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, til death do us part' heartbreaking and thought provoking words! If all you are getting is heart break after heartbreak and the 'worse after worse' why would you be expected to stay 'til death do us part'! I'm not a religious person I took those vows, I am not in your shoes as the wife of a cg, I am the mother of a 25 year old cg, I made but the vows could be the same. It's so hard, you have lived with this you have tried your best, sometimes people don't want help, we find that difficult to understand but we aren't the cg. It is a minefield as I have learned. Sometimes I sit and wonder what has happened why has it happened have I treated my son any different to my other children. I hope your husband, yourself and your girls find peace and can get settled, none of this is your fault. Take care love wcid x

Thank you for your kind words wcid. Just as the CG have to take one day at a time, I guess we do too. It's been a weird one for me. My husband has led me to believe that he has turned a corner, promised me infact that he hasn't been tempted to gamble. Today I know that not to be true. I'm sad that he still feels the need to lie to me and of course upset that he isn't doing well. But I've been going round in circles for weeks, really doubting my own actions and the fact that he is still lying to me tells me I need to try to stay strong. A very mixed bag of emotions.

My girls really don't talk about it all which worries me. I hope to encourage it but somehow if they don't bring it up I don't like to.

I really hope your son continues to make progress. He's very lucky to have such a supportive family.

Hi Katiecola I have been thinking about you a lot since reading your posts. Thankyou for the words of encouragement for my son I too like you said in your first post am prepared to help, draw a plan up, be prepared for blips along the way. The only difference is my son seems accepting of the above (for now) he still has not said he has a problem, unfortunately you husband is not ready for this yet. it was clear to see from statements he did. At first he was very defensive and his mood could change in a second, now he is much calmer and approachable, I think he is pleased it's out in the open. You know your girls and their ways you will know when the time is right to talk about it. It's awful how this addiction progresses so quickly for the cg and gets a hold, they're heads must be in a turmoil day after day. But as you say partners/families have read posts on here and we know it is so hard for them but there are many successful stories and that is all we can ask for, that is what you wanted to happen it is sad for your husband and yourselves he is unable to see that at the moment. I hope for himself that he is able to see that soon. Has he joined gamcare himself or read any of the posts on here as it does help a lot of people with there recovery. - wishing you well - wcid

Hi wcid,

How are you doing this week?

My husband attended some counselling sessions via gamcare but gave up after about 5. I stayed the full course but actually mine weren't great. It was an opportunity to let off steam, no more. I pointed him to the forums here but I've never spotted a familiar post!! Probably for the best as I still feel the need to use them!

Hi Katiecola how is everything going xx wcid

Hi wcid,

Really sweet of you to ask. I still feel like I've abandoned my husband. Still not sure if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if he's gambling or not. My trouble is, I can't seem to let go. So I can't move forward. Don't really want to I suppose. I took a while to decide what I wanted when I discovered the truth, but I wanted to support him, face it together. I knew it wouldn't be easy, maybe not even possible but I wanted to try. A year on and a divorce is well underway and I'm still on here! Thanks for asking.

How are you?