Hi Everyone,
new to this forum so not really sure where to start ..
ive been with my partner for nearly 9 years. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. He had a tough time growing up and was a bit of a 'bad boy' with a heart of gold when we met. He started to calm down and sort his life out, getting a job after struggling on little qualifications he had. He started having poker nights with the lads after football at 18, which soon escalated into casinos. Which then escalated in every day. And every night. And loan shark debts, stealing credit cards from family ..
He was checked into rehab at 19 which he eventually discharged himself from. We coasted through on periods of 'no gambling' (where he was, I just didn't know it) which led to us eventually breaking up when I was 19. It was a heartbreaking decision because I loved him so very much but I couldn't help him anymore, he needed to help himself.
3 months later we met up and he'd got himself a job, been attending GA meetings and was seeing an addictions counsellor. He was in a very good place and explained that he realised he was destroying himself and his friendships, relationships, family.
He ended up being gambling free for about 2 years following this, and we moved out together and I started my degree. He's come so very far and I'm immensely proud of him. However I just discovered he's been gambling on and off for the last year. He told me himself after I found betting slips about 6 months ago, where we talked it out and agreed on counselling again and he was distraught that he had started again. He never saw a counsellor despite my pleas and support and I just discovered he's still gambling. I am still supporting him but I'm really struggling this time. I feel as though I can't think of any more ways to support him when he doesn't talk to me. I love him so much and I wondered if anyone could guide me. I feel very alone right now.
Hi Amy
Sorry to see this and how it's affecting you.
From what you've said he's doing nothing to even start to address this. He's not distraught at having started again.He's distraught because he's been found out and you're now (albeit unwittingly) a threat to his addiction. If he's serious about stopping there are measures he can take which will have an almost instant effect in preventing his access to gambling. He'd also be tripping over himself to get to that counselling and to get back to GA but he hasn't done any of it. He hasn't even told you and asked for help.
You can't say or do anything to make him stop. Talking it out with him if he's not ready to stop is counterproductive. He will tell you whatever gets you off his back and then go right back at it. Your choices lie with how much of this horrendous behaviour you're prepared to tolerate.
Have you got anyone IRL you can talk to? You need support as much as he does. Make sure your own finances are protected from him, read as much as you can and see where unarrested gambling addiction can and regularly does lead then think about what you want and need. Put yourself first because unless and until he decides to stop you are the only one who will.
Hello amyloutee93 and welcome to the forum
Sorry to hear that things are difficult and you are feeling very alone right now. please see the link for some guidelines that may help you.
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
There are gamcare advisors on the helpine from 8am -midnight who will listen to your concerns and will do the best they can to support you. There is also counselling available for family, friends and partners that you may like to use for yourself advisors can give you further information about this. The helpline number is 0808 8020 133 and you can also speak with an advisor on the netline.
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
Keep posting we are here to support you.
Take care
Forum admn
Thanks Lethe for your comments! I spoke to him last night properly and i should have clarified in my post - 6 months ago I found betting slips and he promised to change - this time round he actually told me himself. We've talked about GA meetings and counselling and both looked into that last night. We have very separate bank accounts and in all the years we have been together he has not once stolen from me. He still managed to provide for us whilst gambling, which is unusual, but begs the question of whether there's bigger debts that realised. He agreed to give me access to his bank account/show me his statements so we can see exactly where his money is going. I do believe him that he wants to change, I just feel as though I'm in a viscous cycle whereby he will stop for a time and then it just begins again and again. There's normally triggers such as stress, and this time round it was loss of a family member. Which, I had been worried about, but despite looking for it I still didn't see he was gambling again. I feel like I've failed myself, and I'm tired and anxious about the future. His heart is very much in the right place and his plans to take action on stopping are too, I just feel like we've been here 1000 times before. Does it ever stop?
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