New and Devastated

Hi patty I'm sorry to hear your story, just before Christmas when all is meant to be joyful. Where to begin, you must be in shock. My initial thoughts are stepchange for debt, don't let the mortgage go unpaid. You need him to face this, he needs to sort it himself. Get him to give you control of finances so the gambling stops. He needs a GA meeting asap. Call gamcare talk to someone. There is gamanon for family and friends online Sunday 8-9, go to website. They will help. Credit reports to see extent of debt. Experian, mse, clearscore. Safeguard your finances, make sure he can't access anymore of your money. There are many unscrupulous ways to get money so be careful. I made my husband face the music he sorted all his debts and loans. I control finances he sees nothing. He has cash for necessities and supplies a receipt. Gamanon meetings are invaluable to me, real life support and you really find out how to look after yourself. The one thing to remember is this is addiction. They don't do this to harm us or because they don't love us. They need help not punishment. I know that seems hard to see right now, but this is all manageable. He needs to take responsibility and repay his kids. Keep communication open. I was too terrified to kick my husband out, he would have spiralled out of control even more.

Dear Patty,

really sorry to hear about your situation, it really does sound very challenging for everyone involved. As Merry go round says, your priority needs to be looking after yourself and the children and making sure there is a roof over your heads.

Please get in touch with your local CAB or the National Debtline to discuss what you can do about missing mortgage payments and how you can protect yourself if at all from your husband's debts.

Please do get in touch with us either on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Neltine.

Keep posting and reaching out, you are not alone, there is support available for you.

Wishing you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you so much for responding, just feels all so overwhelming and shocking at the moment. I feel like I have no idea who he is. He's staying with his mum at the moment, I can't bear to talk to him. I know I have to take control but I'm just about managing to keep it together for the kid's sake. Thank you for the advice.

Sorry to see this. It's a club no-one wants to join.

First thing to say is you're not stupid. All you've done is what we've all done which is trust someone who should have had our backs. That said even though it's an almighty shock and you're reeling you will need to act fast to protect the finances from potential further devastation. Leave him to worry about his debt. Your priority is you and the kids and getting the bills straight. If he still has access to bank accounts or their savings shut it down.

He's not the first to have stolen his children's savings. Mr L drained the lot and did it through my son's bank account so I couldn't see. He eventually took a weekend delivery job to repay it. re. telling the children first time round I kept it from them at his request. That's how he was able to manipulate them into giving him their money. Second time round I told them everything although they were old enough to understand the implications. My advice would be not to hesitate telling anyone who might be the target for a sob story.

Once you've locked down the finances and established the true extent of the debt you have breathing space to educate yourself about this, see what if anything he plans to do and look for support for yourself.

Thanks for all the advice. Really does help to know that there are people here to help. What a wake-up call. I will speak to CAB, unfortunately, and rather naively my name is not on the mortgage - everything is in his name. He has today applied for a Debt Management Plan, spoken to GamCare and will attend a GA meeting tomorrow. He is promising he'll do everything he can to stop but I will never be able to trust him again. My Dad has paid the missed payments on the mortgage and I have made an early payment for January. I just feel so powerless as I don't have a job at the moment and I have to rely on him to give me the money so I can assure it's paid. I'm just so angry at myself for not taking more notice.

Hi again

Promises aren't enough. He needs to show concrete action. There are things he can do which will heavily limit his access to gambling with near immediate effect. You need to have full financial control and transparency as a matter of urgency. He's already gambled several mortgage payments which potentially suggests a spiralling situation. If he refuses to hand over the finances and allow you to access his credit reports (every agency available free - Noddle, Clearscore and Experian through MSE's Credit Club) be wary.

It's not in your interests to trust him and it's absolutely fine not to. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why. Mr L still shows me receipts and savings are in my sole name. Biggish purchases are made by me again in my sole name. The limited amount he could access is in an account I monitor regularly and I operate his (basic) bank account which is solely for receipt of his salary.

It's easy to blame ourselves for this.That feeling of being taken for a mug takes a lot of overcoming but you are not at fault. He's the one who knew what was going on. He's the one who could have looked for help at any point and didn't. The responsibility for the choices he's made is his.

Hello ,
I have been with my boyfriend for only three months. I know it's been a short time but I know I love this man alot .. being married before I thought I would never find love again but I found it on him . Yesterday he admitted to me he has a gambling problem it broke me we are in long distance relationship so I havnt been affected by him spending my money or losing money or anything like that one thing he havnt ask me for money either. Together we call a gambling hotline yesterday and he told me he will check in .. I love this man and I dont want to give up on him we had plans together moving in together buying a home having kids.. he has two but I want one and I want to be with him. I ask God for a good man and I got him what should I do ?? I don't want to leave..

Hi tinaxavier you will get more response if you start new topic. When you have long distance relationships you only see what they show you. Find out about his gambling history and does he still gamble. If he's still active I would seriously ask myself why do I want this relationship? It's not healthy.

Tina, agree with MGR. You’re in long distance love with a fantasy and not a human being and I’d recommend regular CoDA or AlAnon meetings to look at why you gravitate towards this so called love (it isn’t the long term love that long term intimate relationships are made of). Having children and step children isn’t a hospital, it won’t fix the hole in your soul, it won’t bring happiness and it won’t stop him - or the next man and the ones after that - from using. All it will do is breed more addicts and dysfunction.

Patty, I also didn’t know about my husband’s gambling for many years and it was absolutely devastating when it came out. And he also took the children’s savings. But with the benefit of hindsight, I did know that something was wrong and although I didn’t know what it was, my husband’s behaviour was emotionally abusive and what was normal for us was actually dysfunctional. You’re not alone, the help is out there but you need to take it. Learning new and healthy patterns of behaviour doesn’t come about overnight but with time and effort, new patterns of behaviour and a better life become possible. Focus on you, on how to protect yourself and your children, on who you are and what your values are, on what you want and need and deserve. You need to become whole before you can have anything to give others. Support from others in the same position is invaluable - try GamAnon.

Look after you.

CW

Yes CW - in hindsight it's all making sense. I'm feeling stronger today - I managed to sleep last night and I feel saner. Like I can make a plan and what I'm expecting from him before I even consider taking him back. I will manage all finances from now on, I have access to his emails, and credit reports. Are there any other things I'm missing? My husband is a lovely dad and I love being with him and in his company, I thought that I had it all - this is why it's so devastatingly shocking, none of his friends can believe this has happened. This thread has been a lifeline at a very dark time, so thank you so much for the support. I will put kids and me first from now on, I've been referred for counselling and I will look into GamAnon.

Off the top of my head he can:

Self exclude preferably permanently from every gambling account he has and register with GamStop for the maximum five years

Self exclude from bookies. There is a telephone number in the info at the top of the forum which SE's from every bookie within a postcode area with one phone call.

Allow you access to his post. Having missed a pending loan application which would have told me Mr L was at it again I still open anything I don't like the look of

Show you receipts to the penny for any cash he spends

Stop carrying even small change routinely

Open a basic bank account which won't allow overdrafts. You can decide if you want to trust him with a bank card to that or any other bank account in due course. He can let you know in advance when he needs fuel or to make other purchases. If he has a card see receipts to make sure there's no cash going out undercover.

These are mechanical blocks. He will also need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion. He can register for free counselling from Gamcare and get himself to GA meeting/s. No excuses especially along the lines of not having the time. He found the time to gamble easily enough.

Thought I was ok but just hit an all-time low - dancing in the kitchen all on my own to music so loud my neighbours are knocking on the walls, drunk as a s***k, pub on my own crying like a crazy b***h. but all ok because he's went to his first GA meeting. Oh and can't go to my parents for Christmas cos the cars got a flat tyre. f**k this life.

Sorry, not suicidal - just meant I'm doing things that are not me.

Patty, get help for you - the helpline is open 8.00 to midnight. Escape via alcohol isn’t the answer for you, any more than him escaping via gambling is his answer. If alcohol becomes your regular answer to life and the self medication to prop you up, that’s the road to an addiction of your own. Ditto sugar.

Lethe has set out what he can do and be seen to do to overcome the gambling. But that’s him, not you. One of the key things for you to learn is how to set and enforce boundaries as to what you will or won’t allow, permit, accept and tolerate (that’s allow etc at all, not allow etc under protest). Ultimatums are extreme boundary statements strictly reserved for those extreme situations where you’re prepared to follow through. If you don’t follow through, the boundary evaporates and anything goes. He’s not at home at the moment and if he leaves in high drama but comes home without any fundamental change, once the drama’s over it will be business as usual.

re budget, family expenditure always takes priority over gambling debts. Don’t forgo the use of your car.

Keep the focus on you and take good and real care of you. You deserve it.

CW